oh!- my Creator! i do love the attention to detail you give me!
You give me wings to fly,
and curved lines so that i can move them, if i want to.
i do love you very much, my Creator!
~
look at my feet, which You have given me,
and my body of dark lead
i am beautiful, because You have made me beautiful,
because You are beautiful!
~
oh, what is this?
what has caught Your attention?
my tail is half finished, as well as my lips and hands.
~
please, Creator!
haven't i pleased You?
am i not Your one and only Creation?
~
No, no! Let me live, Creator!
have i not guarded over Your strange words to Your liking?
please, Creator!
let me continue my purpose on this flake of wood, in these flakes of wood, bonded together forever!
~
You strike through my body with such brutality,
pressing down to be gone with me forever.
i turn to speckled dust beneath You,
and my wings cannot fly me to safety.
~
You do not stop until i am nothing more but an imprint,
my lead body scattered and like stains
that litter Your paper.
You discard me with a final sweep of Your hand.
~
i lay, broken and confused, as my new form becomes one
with the bristled ground Your feet rest upon.
You step on me, but you mustn't mean it.
~
i love you, even as you begin to doodle again.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hello Craz!
I really like the emotion you've allowed the doodle to feel, and it kind of makes me feel bad for all of the times I've erased things.
This is the only stanza that I really had an issue with. I'm not quite sure what the part about guarding strange words is, unless there are other words on the paper with the doodle. I think it might work better if the doodle is wondering if it hasn't done something else, just because I'm not sure how the words are related. Also, I get that the paper is made up of flakes of wood technically, but it sounds a bit weird here, and I think it would be better to break it up as well. Maybe like this: "let me continue my purpose on this paper here, / on these flakes of wood, bonded together." I'm not sure why you have "in" the wood flakes, because the drawing is on top of them, but I guess it helps with the idea of them all bonded together, even if it seems a bit odd.
One little thing here is that I don't think you need the and in the second line. It's sounds a bit weird, and I don't think it makes much sense or adds to that line.
That's it! I really like your ending as well, how the doodle ends up as part of the dust on the floor that the Creator steps on, but the doodle still loves the creator. That's so sweet!
-Falco
This is Yams here for a review!
I don't seem to like this poem all that much even though some of the visuals are good.
All the parts where "Oh creator" and all that pops up it seems to degrade. I feel like I'm in a like/dislike relationship with this poem. I don't really like how the narrator/narration is with the pleading and the begging. I don't know, but that's just my opinion.
I must give you props for the creativity you had in the poem, but the ode part just didn't seem to work with me that well.
The flow in the poem feels kind of inconsistent with the long lines and then the really short lines, some of them feel like they need to be broken up, etc.
I didn't have much to say for this poem, so I'm sorry if you didn't like my review.
Have a great day!