Published April 9, 2015
though I had asked many times
pleaded with you, oh please oh please
and I had stopped some time ago
yet
let's go to the pool,
you said
it makes me wonder
how you will wear a bathing suit.
munching on stale chips,
I wait in the car, then
stick my toes in the pool.
I splash, yet
I do not get in.
sister chastises me, but it is better
than having to leave early.
oh, how do you wear a bathing suit
surely I notice how quickly you dart into the water
like an eager little frog
but it is not the excitement of rebirth I know
that propels your fragile little legs
a shadow stands next to me,
and I no longer splash.
get in the pool, he says
and I know, how I know the twinkle in his eyes
I stare at a hair on my hand
and do not get in.
I do not want to leave early.
oh, how, how can you stand
to wear a bathing suit
surely it is obvious
surely you know better
surely, you who raised
such a smartass, as he says
knows better
the water laps at my toes
and I am reminded, at each playful wave
of why I no longer yearn for the pool
of why I hate it now
but I do not want to leave early.
you swim
in your bathing suit
and pretend this is normal.
I'll sit here
with my toes in the water
and know better.
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140,637 Literary Works • 673,574 Reviews
Interesting poem
Not in a bad way, to put lightly I like this idea,I would love to see a second part to this or you making it into a little bit of a series,about the relationship between two characters ,keeping with the writing style and everything. I like the idea of lower case letters, ''awkward'' description.
Its unique,refreshing should I say. Is it just me or may there be a hint of romance? hmm or it could just be me trying to find some in every piece of writing I find.
Thank you for this amazing piece of work and hope you carry on with such amazing pieces of work.
Have a nice day
Hello! I enjoyed the idea of this poem; however, I think that you can expand a bit on the imagery and sensory descriptions, and don't forget to start with capital letters. Also, I thought the line "I stare at a hair on my hand" was a bit awkward (for lack of a better word)...
Other than that, I loved the feel of the poem.
Great job!
Very nice. But remember to add commas, etc.. As make sure that you capitalize the first letter. Very important. Also I have some advice:
Describe things better.
Example:
I'll sit here
With my toes in the water
And know better
Maybe describe it more:
I'll sit here
On the buff, moist soil
With my toes in the water
Which is glowing light blue
On this sunny day
Just thinking. This might make your reader more interested, and they will feel like its real.
Don't forget capital letters.
Besides that, I think this is a great poem.
Don't forget capital letters. <-- Poetry is free, you don't have to capitalize.
Hello! This is a good poem but you have to capitalize all the first letter of the first word in the poem. Because that's what poem should be like. Also there is an off balance of the tone in the poem, for example:
In this first stanza, you have to be careful with the punctuation marks so the readers will know where to pause and give balance to the tone so it would be like this:
You can crush out "had" since the word "asked" and "stopped" is obviously past tense already, so yeah
But overall the poem is good, you just have to fix the small problem that's all
but you have to capitalize all the first letter of the first word in the poem. Because that's what poem should be like. <-- Poetry is free, you don't have to capitalize. In school this is what we are taught, but as we grow older, there is more freedom in ways of writing, especially when it comes to poetry. Check out E.E. Cummings.