Published November 13, 2014
I dream of beautiful girls
Whose smile blooms brighter than the sun
I dream of beautiful girls
Who sleep soundly in the night
I dream of beautiful girls
Oh, how their hair flows and shines!
I dream of beautiful girls
Who will never be as dull as mine
I dream of being a beautiful girl
Oh, how wondrous it is!
But morning's cruel humor is here
How wicked can it be?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,110 Literary Works • 673,017 Reviews
Hello, Craz! I'm emeraldfox, representing Team EarthBenders this Review Day!
I liked this poem a lot! It had a great flow and meter to it. I also liked the repetition of the phrase, "I dream of beautiful girls". It had good imagery that helped me picture the girls and their long hair, smiles, and radiance that you describled. I especially liked how it ended.
The only thing I had trouble with was figuring out your rhyme scheme, if you intended to have on at all. "Night," "shines," and "mine" almost rhyme with each other, but nothing else in the poem rhymes. Maybe this was just a coincidence and you didn't mean for anything to rhyme, but it threw me off a bit.
Other than that minor hitch, I thought this was a beautiful poem and I enjoyed reading and reviewing it! *Likes*
"YWS is blue,
Our team is green.
We're the best reviewers
You've ever seen."
-@pendr for Team Earthbenders
Hello Craz!
<3I like it, especially the last two lines:
I could find no error in this work, it flows, it has a great premise, it's great! It's short, but potent, packing quite the ending to boot. I might like to read some more of your poetry someday, It is truly wonderful.
~Kelpies.
The first thing I noticed immediately was how you said smile instead of smiles in the second line. Kinda just stood out to me, you probably already realized that though, so moving on...oh, wait, actually you would also have to change blooms to bloom. "Whose smiles bloom...blah blah blah." haha. Okay, anyway "I dream of beautiful girls who will never be as dull as mine": what is this supposed to be about? Do you have girls? Are you writing about other girls while you already have your own groupie or something? I don't know, I'm really confused. I feel like you're probably pushing a little too hard right here, just write from the soul, my friend.
"I dream of being a beautiful girl" Dude, who doesn't? Girls are 10/10 (says a girl)
The last two lines are truly beautiful. Literally my favorite part of the poem. It's kind of funny actually. I hope that was supposed to be like comedic relief or something because I found that funny for some reason. It was really clever word play regardless. Anyway, it was pretty great.
Yeah, I see what you're saying. Thanks for pointing those out~
such a very, very...very, very idealistic embodiment of beauty and the minds of "ugly" women/girls
love the poem though \(^.^)/
I love this. Most girls nowadays don't smile. Instead, they cut, they cry, they feel bad for nothing. Mostly, they're sad and depressed and suicidal. After all, people give them crap. This poem means a lot to me, and I like to think you refer to the beauty on the inside or they beauty as in feelings. Never have I met a girl who sleeps soundly, who smile like the sun, or who act like they know what they're worth.
Your poem is amazing, and yes, it is serious. I'd love to see more of your work. Maybe make more poems like this? It truly is an extraordinary piece, but I think it could be longer, or the lines longer.
Thanks! I'm not naturally wired as a poet so I didn't know if this was any good. It's awesome that this resonated with someone and I'll certainly give poetry a second try.
o.o I am not so sure about that part about most girls cutting themselves
That's great, Craz. And Verser, try living where I live. I'm surprised half the girls haven't hung themselves yet.
so because a handful of people that cut themselves where you live means you can vouch for the entire population of women on the entire planet? What gives you the right to say that because of your anecdotal evidence, the entire world of women are given crap and all have suicidal thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I do care, and a wave of people might hate on this, but be careful of the statements you make, they affect a lot more people than you think
Guys guys, please be nice and do not hash it out in the comments.
Whatever. Sorry, Craz.
Perfectly placed words . Good work, must say ^_^
Thank you!
This is amazing! I love the your overall appreciation toward girls. The way you wrote your poem was exactly the same as mine. I also love putting the "Oh, how wonderful!" etc. stuff like that. It was just great. I also like the fact that you ended your poem with a question. I have never done that, but you did great. You also used the adjective words correctly, which fits your overall piece. Again, this was terrific. Keep up the great work!
Thanks~