You push me away
You want me gone
I can't hide the way I feel
Tell me you love me, tell me you care
I know its a lie
I'm done
Done falling for it
Don't let go
That's what you say
But I have been slipping ever since
Tell me your stories, tell me your lies
Just admit it
You want me gone
The pain
So unbearable
Fills me with grief
Fills me with longing
For you
You pull me close
You want me here
With you
Don't let go
That's what you say
And I hold on tighter
But I was right
All along
You let go
You let me fall
You wanted me gone
All along
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there! Welcome to YWS.
I loved the narration of your poetry here, but I feel strongly about two issues the poem seems to have: Rhythm/fluency and punctuation; the two very much linked.
Despite it being a little cliche, I don't see this as a problem since the voice of the poem creates a feel of uniqueness and develops that hook, so in Mizzle's words,
The problem regarding rhythm is that there isn't any. The reader is left to decipher their very own rhythms because you haven't included any punctuation to give it a pace. I don't know when to stop so I decide for myself. I feel myself having to read through it a few times to get the best angle. I don't like that kind of poetry.
Also without pace and rhythm there's a lack of meaning. That's a strong issue. I hope you revise this and edit it with punctuation because you're writing is fantastic.
Just try and pick up on these edits.
Keep writing!
Ben
I have to agree with Mizzle on this, your poem is totally cliched. Would love to see something a bit more original from you. I did however like the last stanza:
I really liked how you started and ended the stanza with the same line "All along."
I wonder if maybe you could repeat this pattern throughout the entire poem? It would definitely bring something fresh. Hoped this helped! Keep writing for sure and welcome to YWS!
Hey, Cosza. Welcome to YWS. I hope you've been enjoying yourself here.
Anyhoo....
This is very good. A little cliche, but you executed it very nicely! I'd like to remind you to use punctuation, however. It's quite neccessary sometimes and certain spots that need it in your poem do not have it. If you need help with what these places are, just PM me for a more in depth review.
Tata for now! Great work.
-Miss Mizz