Cigarette
By
Corwin Clampitt
Cigarette cigarette sitting in my hand
Never can, never can I forget
Never will, never will I understand
Wishing I, wishing I had a hand to hold
Lungs filling in, filling in
Heart bleeding out, bleeding out
Don’t know where I’ve been
Don’t know what it’s about
In these days I’m
Just sitting watching em go by
Don’t seem to know why
I can’t seem to walk away, get away
Need to find a way, any way
I hear footsteps coming
Nearing me, no fear of me
I see blinding lights ahead
Scaring me, death of me
The feeling of water
Drowning here, in my tears
Cause even though I don’t know
Anything, everything
I always tried to bring
Anything, everything
I might have not known
Right or wrong, nothing left
Then these stones were thrown
Felt alone, felt unknown
Lungs filling in, filling in
Heart bleeding out, bleeding out
Don’t know where I’ve been
Don’t know what it’s about
In my mind I stroll
Don’t know what I’m looking for
Losing control, deep within my soul
Black smoke fills the air
Without a care, please beware
Evil glare, I seen you there
Life’s unfair but I’m aware
Lungs filling in, filling in
Heart bleeding out, bleeding out
Don’t know where I’ve been
Don’t know what it’s about
Cigarette dying out
In my mind can’t figure out
Want to shout, full of doubt
But in despair, you’re not there
Ashes fall like a flare, angels fall like a prayer
Ashes burn, no concern
Cursed words, never heard
Turns to me, stares at me
Never will, never will I forget
Never will, never will I regret
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Sorry about taking so long to reply, been away for a little while. Thanks Lezalean and Cheesy, Narachel, and Mollytate for your reviews/posts. Narachel, theres more than nicotine killing this person in the song =).
Wow. I loved it. You're very talented at poetry. I've written a few but could never really seem to pull it off:/ Anyway, I thought it was awesome!
Hey I really like the flow and the different ryhming patterns. The way you repeated bits for e.g
make it really interesting to read. My take on what it is about is that the person is lonely, maybe they just broke up with someone, so they result to smoking. Is this anywhere near true?I really enjoyed that, in a strange sort of way, because it doesn't seem to be the sort of song that you're supposed to enjoy.
I think you could be a little clearer about what the song's about. This is a really well-thought-out piece on the whole, but you're forgetting that the readers/listeners might not know the background you do. It's an easy mistake that most writers make, but the audience only knows what you tell them.
Is it just about the danger of smoking, or is there something else behind this? If my Lit teacher got hold of something like this she'd have us analyse what subtly hidden meanings there could be. Now that's a good thing, but you could just make it a little clearer.
Other than that, the song is good. I think if it were sung slowly, the way I imagine it, it could be a really heartbreaking song. If I heard it as a soundtrack on the TV in the right situation, it would probably make me cry. Which is a good thing.
Hope that helped
~Grin
Hm. Definitely filled with despair. I think it's the words of someone dying from smoking. No, wait - it's someone committing suicide because they lost their lover, at least I think. But anyways, I liked the repetitiveness - gives it a sort of echoing effect, strengthens the atmosphere. All in all, no spelling, styling or grammar errors that I can spotlight. Good work.