I posted this in dramatic poetry a month ago... but I would like critique from the people here, mostly from Brad, but also everyone who has something to say. So here you go. Tear away.
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Your eyes, so insipid with such a masquerade of illumination,
Reflecting an over glow of divine lust.
The carbonation deep within the jade, thick as chrism, the supposed brilliance,
Is nothing more than plagiarism and stout perjury.
The wine dripping, and waiting in cups, for the dance with the madness of Eleutherios
To begin.
I crave the ecstasy of Eros, and the angelic and neurotic flute of Dionysus,
For them to carry me into such
Sweet in-sanity,
This is what I long for.
Though,
Under the mask of all this,
Inside of you,
Under those eyes painted green,
Is a worn down, over indulged, withering
Ego waiting to die.
And one day everything will be turned to Jade. Pessimistically,
Lest we forget.
Unless we forget.
Let me meet with Dionysus,
Let me meet and drink and dress myself in Eros.
I will then be your fool.
At every word will I come.
Lapsus memoriae.
The empty filled
Within me.
And I will edify you.
And I will grow into you.
And I will imbathe royally in the Jade waters.
The symbols of Pagan’s slipped me the stories of
Fate and seducing the goddess, the Nymph.
I dreamt these rare dreams into realities that I’m convinced of,
This folly, these fancies, the delightful tangible fantasy is real.
Your eyes, so sincere. Jade, I must sip
It so slowly to not overdose from the richness, the depth, and from the potency.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Cornelius,
I will answer in the order of your response.
(1) Your lines are sporadic; some are short and fast while others are long and drawn out. This might be an effective technique somewhere, but I don't know that this is the right piece for it.
(2) I did not mean get "the story" of the poem the first time, sorry for the confusion. I meant that we get things such as "Is a worn down, over indulged, withering \\ Ego waiting to die" after the "worn down," and the rest is too much. Lists in poetry do not usually turn out well for the poet. It particularly kills your close.
(3) The message I took from this is that you (a) know enough Greek to make logical connections, though they aren't awe-inspiring (much too direct for that, I'm afraid) and (b) are trying to convey a sense of unstable love--pedantic, logical, rational verse does not complete this meaning (albeit, it can and has been done by poets much greater than either of us).
(4) Exactly. The first stanza can be dropped entirely. I would change the "you" to a "she" to make things clearer. Overall, this is pedantic because it's too prosaic. Lines such as
"The wine dripping, and waiting in cups, for the dance with the madness of Eleutherios // To begin. // I crave the ecstasy of Eros, and the angelic and neurotic flute of Dionysus,"
are way too long for them to be effective. It reads like an essay that got hacked up.
The idea is laudable, the means are not--try this again, perhaps with a little bit more of a flare for taut verse.
All the best,
Brad
Thank you for responding, and hello to you too. Your profile is very impressive.
(Questions)--
Though, what do you mean by machine gun lines?
Got it the first time? In what regard? I switched my feelings around half way through (after the of drinking the alcohol), So I am repeating myself where? What 'message' did you ascertain/establish?
and mmmm..... I don't see any didactic/pedantic qualities other than perhaps, perhaps.., the first stanza, speaking of the eyes... but come on, it was metaphorical introduction to her soul, and I could have included much more minutiae.
Hi Cornelius_Quinnsomer,
You're painting a moody, disturbing scene with machine-gun lines. It's a lousy mix. The overabundance of adjectives where we got it the first time only reinforce a pedantic/didactic nature that is not congruent with the message you are trying to convey. Scrap it.
A weak effort.
All the best,
Brad