Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So...this one was a little confusing. It felt like you had just taken a pretty good opening from one story and a decent ending from another story with a completely different genre and then stitched them together to create this one which doesn't really have a proper flow at all. It's just going from one place to something totally different.
Anyway let's get right to it,
I sat down awkwardly perfect and met eyes with the Women beside me. With my eyes still and stolidly fixed on hers, I blinked heavily with arrogance to let her know I was a bigot, and clearly thought myself as royalty. Her mouth then opened, spitting out an abhorrent sound. Nevertheless, the words flew ethereal.
Okay well that's certainly a pretty interesting opening that you have there. Definitely managed to get my attention pretty well by describing this person attempting to be royalty which instantly brings up a lot of good questions.
“And whom must you be?” she asked as she held back a smile. Dare she speak to me? Clearly, she did not know who I was. I looked away from her, toward the statues bathing in the fountain. I turned back to her eyes and said,
“Nathaniel.” I stood up with grandiloquent composure, especially for being already completely saturated with vodka. I waited a long collection of moments,
Okay at this point this is somehow also ridiculously funny.
“To leave here and go far off away from the insipid and decaying. Into this womb of shrubbery, and into your landscape. There we will poison ourselves with self-deceit and find our way back to Eden. I’ve heard rumors that the tree of life still stands. All alone there, though still alive and well.”
Okay this sounds like the vodka talking here because I'm not really sure how all of this is actually connecting to the rest of the story.
The symbols of pagans have slipped me the stories of Fate and seducing the goddess, the nymph. Pleasant the arrow went through her. The nectar fell from the flower and into her eyes, seminally engrossing her.
In the pitch dark, we subtly walked silently into the landscape until we found ourselves at a standstill.
And this sounds like the ending to a completely different story so that's kind of weird there because we can't tell what is actually meant to happen in this one.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: So overall I'd say the language that you've used is great. The descriptions are nice and the dialogue has a humorous exaggeration to it. The one issue is that's its impossible to tell what this story is all about and what's it trying to say. It just doesn't seem to have any sort of clear flow.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 254163
Reviews: 4102
Donate