As our last night came to a close,
I wondered if he would miss me as
much as I would miss him.
I tried to find any sign that he liked me back.
He would sit down with his body facing me,
but does that mean anything?
He started placing the bottom of his foot
on mine, pushing my foot back and forth.
Does that mean anything?
I kept catching him watching me when
he was performing on stage,
while I watched behind the curtain.
Does that mean anything?
And I still remember the smell of him.
Such a sweet smell he has.
I wish I had kissed him on the cheek
when he hugged me.
So many regrets about what I should've done,
but it's too late to fix them.
Even though he lives close by,
it feels like he lives miles away.
What if that was my only chance
to tell him I love him?
Does that mean anything?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
A very good piece.You should have mentioned your condition after not telling him about the feeling you had for him.How you hold on to yourself etc.It starts wiyh a question which automatically makes the rreadrr think about the answer,it happened to me and till the end i was thinking about the question but then the poem took me away from it and in the end i started thinking about the answer to the question.So a clever way to make the reader do whatever you want.Great use of suspense and regret.So well done and good luck for the upcoming poems.
Thank you. I will definatly remember that when I re-write it!
welcome
Hey!
First let me begin by saying I really like the idea of this poem and the repetition at the end gives it some demanding rhythm, but I would like to some more feeling. Maybe add in some personification or a simile here or there to show the desperation and needing to be loved back by the girl/women.
The length of the poem is good, and I think you are off on a really good start!
XOXO,
Rascalover
First off, I'd like to thank you for writing a reply. Honestly, I haven't written much poetry, and it's my week spot, so that's why I attempted it. I do agree that I should've put more similes and personification, but I couldn't find the right place. Thank for the review
Hi!
First of all I'd like to say I liked the poem.
The repetition of "does that mean anything," bears a lot of significance as well as the fact it perpetuates the desperation and vulnerability being shown in the writing. By the third time around I was getting chills every time I saw "does that mean anything."
However I think this repeating phrase is a double edged sword. On one hand it increases the potency of the poem, however on the other hand it does stifle the syllabic flow of the overall poem.
My last complaint would be to replace certain words. For example instead of saying "liked me back," with "loved me back." Love is a strong word whereas "like," is a lot more passive and indecisive. Your poem is functioning off of the power of desperation and you should embrace that and go with it. Cut back on the passivity and swap out some words that belittle the rest of your poem.
Great work, keep it up!
I agree that I should've used "loved me back" instead of "like", I was just afraid it would be too strong of a word for the poem. I was going to add in better words, but I was having a total brain fart. Thank you so much for giving this a review. I didn't think anyone would even read it. Haha