Published November 29, 2011
In this world, how can there
be happiness
when there is suffering?People suffering on the street,
While someone experiences
a moment of happiness.
Why is it we never take notice of the things
That are directly in front of us?
People suffering in times of war,
While we enjoy our peace and freedom.
Why is it we turn a blind eye
To the things that should matter?
Suffering is all around us,
But what do we do to help?
The world has seen so much
suffering,
When will it see some
happiness?
The day the world sees happiness
is the day
people stop crying,
people stop wanting,
people stop causing wars
that should never have started.
The world is still waiting on a change.
When will we get it?
Walking down the street,
An old man puts out his hand for extra change,
People turn away
And keep going with their day.
Why do we turn away
from the people
That need our help the most?
The people in our cities and in our towns
Don't ask for much.
And when they do
We turn away.
Why turn away?
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Your very true but its hard to trust people now adays because people lie and manipulate others. I wish life was without suffering but if there was no suffering, you'd never know happiness. Suffering happens to the best people and the worst people get the better end. I hope you got a good grade on this because it was great. Keep writing.
Hey, Jess! I'm Rose, and I'll be reviewing this piece today.
First off, the subject of this poem is very good. It's very important and concerns more than just the beggar man you mentioned in the third stanza; in fact, it affects everybody every day. We can all find ways to help other people, even if that only means lending an ear when somebody needs to talk. You did a very good job choosing a subject.
Some parts of this poem are brilliant, but they simply don't stand out enough because they're buried under words that don't contribute to this poem. Frankly, it needs editing. It's very hard to get used to editing. It's only because I joined YWS that I've improved at all; the comments of other writers on my work have helped me learn what to watch for and how to fix it. I'm not perfect at editing, but I've definitely gotten much better. When I'm editing, I thing of a few essential points I need to touch on.
Does what I'm writing contribute to the point I'm making?
Does my writing sound clean when it's read aloud?
Will a reader want to read what I'm writing?
Am I happy with my work?
There are numerous other requirements I've added to my mental checklist, but I won't discuss them here. The point is, you need to stop and think about what you're writing. Unless, of course, what you're writing is simply a rant; then, let the words flow!
See what I mean? This is redundant. You could've expressed the same feelings you've portrayed here in three lines. When writing is redundant, it's like drinking watered down coffee. The taste is there, but it's neither potent nor strong. Make sure your coffee's flavorful.
Remember, your opinion is what matters most at the end of the day. If you love what you wrote, don't change a thing.
Always keep writing!
-Rose
This is a heartfelt subject, and you did a good job expressing that. The last line is the best:
However, the rhythm isn't as flowing as it could be. I don't have many suggestions for this, other than perhaps adding the "we turn away/ why turn away?" as a chorus, substituting 'they' or 'I' for 'we' on different stanzas.
Also, if you could substitute synonyms for your repetitive nouns and use more active verbs to spice things up.
Keep writing!
this poem focuses on an big issue on how people would just turn a blind eye to people in need, which is great. It really tries to convince the reader that we should stop ignoring what is around us. Your message was clear and your poem flowed really well. Good work
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