Published January 11, 2008
I am the one in the corner of your eye,
I am the one you really want to know,
I am the one stomping in the snow
I am the one who's gone without a trace
I am the one that nobody know's
i am a bit sleppy Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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139,463 Literary Works • 672,569 Reviews
I have to agree with all above me. There isn't really a point to this? Something needs to happen--why is this person like this? What drove them to it? And why should we care that this person is like this? That's the biggest one...if you don't make the reader care, then you have nothing.
I have a few questions/suggestions though:
I wouldn't double space it. It's just distracting. Linebreaks in poetry warrant a break in the reading, so in a sense it's like each one of your lines would be a sentence itself.
Mix up your wordchoice some. "I am the one" is just a little just a little just a little just a little just a little repetitive. Pick something else to get your point across in the beginning, otherwise it's rather boring.
..is "I am a bit sleepy" part of the poem?
This doesn't seem very...poem-y to me. It just seems like a bunch of random sentences shoved together. No offense, but it's kind of annoying....
Happy Writing!
~Bella*Maria~
PS I love your avatar!!!
I... don't get it.
I read it three times, and still didn't get your point. Perhaps work on making it clearer with some imagery and cut out the repetition of "I am". It gets boring after a while.
Keep writing!
~Syd