i asked you to let go of me
but you held on.
i asked you to touch me,
softly,
but we parted after a death grip.
################
so we sing the song of the hollowed
as the rain fell down,
so we sang the song of the hollowed
as i reach into my empty chest
and pull out nothing.
%%%%$$$$$$%%%%%
i reach into your chest
and i found a heart,
reached into your pocket
and found mine.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Oh my gosh. This is so good!!!! I love the last stanza especially; you do an excellent job using show don't tell there. I think the repetition is good on the second stanza, with "so we sing the song of the hollowed / ... / so we sang the song of the hollowed," but I think the tense change threw me off a little. Was that purposeful? Also, what does "the rain fell down," mean? As you can see, I was a little confused by the second stanza. But I really loved the first and the third, and it was overall an excellent poem.
um. Sure. Technically the poem is good. I just don't know what to make of it :\
It isn't nice to trash people, 15. If you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all
The title was the very first thing that pulled me in! I can feel the emotion through this piece very well! The image you were going for was well brought out and the feeling of the Poem was obvious and the readers emotions were easily directed.
Can't wait to read more of your pieces!
I was intrigued just reading the title. You set this piece up wonderfully. I enjoy the ups and downs depicted right from the start. Structurally, the stanzas are not too lengthy or short, which makes for a very nice read. I'm not sure the point of the symbols after each stanza. I do like it for visual enjoyment, though. So, I apologize if I missed the point. Now for some constructive criticism, the only thing lacking in the slightest aspect is a higher level of diction. You used words beyond well enough to effectively paint a picture, though. Besides that, your piece is grammatically sound. Can't wait to read more pieces!
Your friend,
Cheaper
I was intrigued just reading the title. You set this piece up wonderfully. I enjoy the ups and downs depicted right from the start. Structurally, the stanzas are not too lengthy or short, which makes for a very nice read. I'm not sure the point of the symbols after each stanza. I do like it for visual enjoyment, though. So, I apologize if I missed the point. Now for some constructive criticism, the only thing lacking in the slightest aspect is a higher level of diction. You used words beyond well enough to effectively paint a picture, though. Besides that, your piece is grammatically sound. Can't wait to read more pieces!
Your friend,
Cheaper
'Ello, it's Cello!
Let me start by saying welcome. I hope you enjoy the site!
Now onto the reviewing...
You clearly had some emotion in this poem, which was great. It's a shame to write without emotion (Which I catch myself doing quite often) so you're starting out on the right foot.
Okay, let's go verse by verse.
Over all, this is pretty good, but the third and fourth line were a bit... eh. They had meaning, yes, but the wording felt off. When I read this, I hear 'touch me softly' as what you meant to say. What it read as was 'Touch me, softly'. Emphasis on touch me. A bit more... [I'm not sure what age your are but] It sounded a bit more sexual. I'm assuming that's not what you were going for (with context and all) so I would take out the comma and make it one line.
'i asked you to touch me softly,'
The first part of the poem was in past tense. This part is in present- all but the third line.
sang- past
sing-present
I assume you get it. I would suggest putting everything in past but if present is more your style, that's cool. (Dm me if you need some help with it)
Again, choose a tense. This is present. The last part had some past.
Minor thing- I would suggest changing 'mine' to 'my own'. It just sounds better in my opinion.
Keep up the good work! (And let me know if you have any questions about the site)
-ChocolateCello