Psst. Psst.
I hear them beckon to each other.
I know I am the subject of their harsh biting words,
But desperately I convince my naive self that I am wrong.
I am not wrong.
My back is turned, willingly
An open target.
One dagger thuds deeps into my muscle
The second, third, and fourth blows
Come stronger and stronger
Swiftly embedding themselves into my aching body.
I tell myself not to feel the blood
Flooding from the wounds.
I tell myself not to give in to the weakness I feel.
Too much.
It is all too much.
I can't suppress the pain, and it swallows me.
I sink to the ground, drowning in my own troubles, my life.
Even as I fall, I hear them.
Psst. Psst.
The echoed whispers in my dying brain
will be the last I hear of my foe.
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140,573 Literary Works • 673,519 Reviews
Hi there, LGF here for a review!
I thought this was a neat poem, in whole. You dealt with a common theme and made it unique, and I like your writing style.
The repetition of Psst. Psst was really nice, and it really tied the piece together well. Gave it a rhythm and focus I guess. Some parts where slightly cliche and I think maybe you could have worded it in a way that has the same meaning, just maybe subtler.
For example;
drowning in my own troubles, my life.
I don't know, it just felt kind of over-dramatic,(just my opinion)
Other than that I think this was a promising piece with some great ideas.
One nitpick;
One dagger thuds deeps into my muscle
Should be deep.
A summary: I liked the imagery you used to turn the themes into something unique, and it was a promising piece with only a few nitpicks!
Keep up the good work;
LGF
Hello, rhia here to review!
I really like the story here, but I think you could definitely work on the writing itself. I'll give you some suggestions to, hopefully, help you.
I think this is just a typo, pretty sure that you meant "Deep" or "deeper" instead of "deeps"
Otherwise, I just feel like some of the sentences were just too wordy and could be simplified or reworded. If you want any help with that, feel free to PM me.
Hey!
This is incredibly described! It really feels like you are feeling what the person in this is feeling. I feel like I know the pain she/he is going through, getting back stabbed.
8.5 from me
RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
This is a really powerful piece.
I love the imagery of the words as actual knives. You displayed how it feels to be gossiped about really well, really profoundly and I could almost /feel/ the knives with you.
I love the repetition of "psst," at the beginning and end. It really connected the poem together, like a rug ties a room together, you know?
Overall, I don't have too many nitpicks on this. Great job!
Eight stars of ten, just because I think the two lines ("I can't...my life") were a little cliched, like words from a can, and you could've worded those a little better. But like I said, overall, I really liked this piece. Keep writing!
This is a very nice poem. I really like the way you have made this whole poem into a kind of metaphor (if I am correct).
The only part that troubles me is the 'The second, third, and fourth blows/Come stronger and stronger'
Maybe if it was like 'The second, third and forth blow/Comes stronger and stronger'. You know, just switch around the 's'. But other wise very nice work.
8.5/10 from me! Keep up the good work!