by Collin Witte
Vanille walked on the old silt road, her steps sinking into the earth. Each breath grated like sandpaper on her lungs as she made her way back to the orphanage. Her head filled to overflowing with thoughts of Miss Kelly. Where was she? Why didn’t she tell me she would be gone?
That morning in school, Miss Kelly’s chair sat empty. Halfway through the class a spindly, bitter woman with rust-colored hair marched through the door. Without a word of explanation, she grabbed a yardstick and slammed it on the board. “Open your books and close your mouths. Miss Kelly is gone, and I run a tight ship.”
Vanille was so absorbed in thought, she almost passed Mom without running her hands across the rugged bark. Mom was what she called the gigantic live oak tree that sprawled across the entire front yard of an abandoned church by the edge of town. As a child, whenever she felt alone or confused, she would visit the tree and nestle among the sturdy branches. Her parents had died in the uprising on the hill when she was three. No one would tell her what this meant. All she knew was she had a bunk in the orphanage and the nuns always reminded her to be careful of who she spoke with. “Watch out for the men with the red bands,” Sister Sarah would always whisper. “They call themselves the reapers. If you ever spot one, you must stay away from them and come straight to me.”
Vanille ran up to the oak and embraced the trunk. It was as wide as her bedroom. She leaned her head against it, trying to soak in the tree’s silence and strength. Whenever she was unsure of what to do, Mom gave her the answer.
Vanille began to climb. From thirty feet up, the town looked different, almost beautiful. She could no longer see the chipped paint of the fence, the decayed brick of an abandoned house or the dirty wrappers that blew around the streets. From here, the town of Green Life Valley looked like the idyllic photo Vanille found in one of Sister Sarah’s old albums. It had once been a tourist town famous for its award-winning wines. Now it was a forgotten place where everything was the same … up until yesterday and the strange new teacher.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there!
So before I get into my review, can I suggest you post future chapters in the novel section? Unless this is actually a short story in many parts in which you should title it Green Life Valley Part 1. But I think this is actually a novel, so make sure to post it under novels/chapters next time you post!
This is rather short and doesn't have much action in it. That being said, there isn't much I can focus on here so my review will be on the shorter side.
First things first, I wish you would've spent more time focusing on the teacher! It's obviously a big deal for Vanille because she's still worrying about it on the way back to the orphanage. How was class different from it was when Miss Kelly was the teacher? All I really got from that scene was that Miss Kelly was gone and a new, stricter teacher filled her place. I want to feel more than that though. Make me feel bad for Vanille. Talk abut how Miss Kelly, for example, always gave out candy for As on tests or encouraged students to speak up in class and helped them not feel nervous and stupid. Get what I mean here? I want to see some contrast between Miss Kelly and this new teacher.
Other than that, I think you've done a good job here. I'd like to see some more development with Vanille, but that'll come along in later chapters as well. You've got a good start here. It's a good introduction to the story, setting up the MC, setting, and the main problem. There's a lot you've got going here as you write on.
If you let me know when you post the next chapter I'll gladly take a look at it
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks Noelle! This was my first time posting. I am going to post the entire story into the novels section and see if that fits better. Thanks for the suggestions!
The full story is now in the Green Room. Maybe it wasn't appropriate to divide into chapters, so to speak. Love to hear what you think! : )
Hello, my friend.
First, let me say that I find your writing natural and flowing. I usually reprimand writers when I believe that their sentences are too bulky or, I say, do not flow well. However, I believe your writing does just that: flows.
As well, you have this listed as a Short Story, but the title refers to it as Chapter 1...
Second, some grammatical things:
I didn't really see any grammatical errors. I checked twice, but you never be too sure.
Third, some stylistic suggestions:
I don't really have any stylistic suggestions either. I truly enjoyed your writing style.
Fourth, your characters:
As much as I loved your writing, I felt cheated. I wanted to know more about Vanille. Not just about the world around her, but what she thought about the world around her. I felt as though she wasn't characterized to the extent that I know you are capable of. Spend more time with her. Breathe more life into her. Even though this is the first chapter and we will learn more about her later on, the first chapter must make the reader interested in the character's life. Right now, I do not care about Vanille. Perhaps spend more time on characterizing her.
Fifth, your:
Slow down. My lord, my friend. I enjoyed your writing thoroughly, but this entire chapter was far too fast. You threw so much information at me, I hardly had time to breathe. Slow down, my friend. Enjoy your writing, as I do. Don't just introduce Mom, Sister Sarah, reapers and the world at large in four paragraphs. Spread it out. Spend time with each. Show the reader what you want she or he to know. If you slowed down and lengthened this chapter with more of your writing, it would be beyond gorgeous.
Overall, slow down! Take time with both your characters and your plot. I do so love your writing. Please, keep me posted about the progression of this story. I would love to read more. Happy Writing!
Thank you!
The full story is now in the Green Room. Maybe it wasn't appropriate to divide into chapters, so to speak. The pacing was connected to the idea of quick action. I will think on how to expand on Vanille's character. Let me know what you think! : )