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Young Writers Society



Fast Mouth

by Colier


That fast mouth,
I had one before.
The orange peeled hemisphere-
it closes you in
But I've known that before
If you watched the landscapes trickle away
would it ever be soon enough?

That fast mouth,
It wants you to hear it
at this moment
because tommorow means another
restless night,
But we've had those before.

That fast mouth,
The words written on your tongue
shown upside down.
You talk quickly.

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Sun Apr 30, 2006 3:44 pm
xanthan gum wrote a review...



You used a lot of awkward repitition:

I had one before.

But I've known that before

But we've had those before.


This is too short of a poem to use so much repitition. Also, the last line:

You talk quickly.


I've heard poems end like this before, but I don't really like it. It leaves the reader, me, with a sense of something incomplete and obvious - we understand the fast talking already (hence "fast mouth" is the title). I'd revise some of this.





If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.
— Henry David Thoreau, "Walden"