Young Writers Society

Hello Cole,
Wow! This poem is quite intense. It's pretty powerful in its display of emotion.

I don't think I really have any suggestions to make other than here: "that's right, he says while he empties" are you intentionally not using quotation marks here? If so, then it's fine. But if not, you may want to put them in!


"open / my spine like a seam to / the dark in me and"
I liked the third stanza the best, especially this part here. Spine is a good word because it makes me think both of human spines and of book spines, and comparing both as well. I think it's a nice comparison, especially thinking about different kinds of books and people.

"as i'm still trying to say the anima christi / with my tongue half burned"
I like the lines from this stanza a lot as well. In the last two lines, I associate the burnt tongue with what the narrator was trying to say, and the way he/she reacted to it or perhaps hated it relates to a burnt tongue. That's a pretty cool comparison as well.

Anyway, this poem is rather dark, but pretty neat to. Good job!

-Falco

Hey Cole,

I think the only way I can describe this is visceral. Perfect word for a poem. I really like how the poem doesn't really hold any punches about what's going on. It's happening and it is happening now, and it is happening hard and fast and nothing is getting left out. That's sort of what's making it such a strong poem. If it held anything back, it did it because the characters did in their argument.

I do have to say that I don't completely understand 100% what happened though, and I feel like part of that is because we never really get a description of who "i" is although we get a clear understanding of the fire and the books and the house going up in flames. It's sort of like the missing puzzle piece and maybe I just missed it somewhere, that's been known to happen, but I don't understand that innately.

After that, I think the only other somewhat confusing thing is the way that religion plays into this? I'm not exactly sure what the fight is about, but it seems to play a big part since it's sort of the last thing happening in the poem, and I'm not sure where that's coming from. Whether that really matters or not is up to you. I think the poem definitely leaves a burned tongue in your head and it is a very powerful image to leave. You've got a good way with that and I don't think you have much extraneous that needs to be trimmed.

If you try to clear up the images about who "i" am and where religion has folded into the equation a little better, like maybe a more direct yelling, then it would be spot on in my opinion.

Keep the punctuation and capitalization, I like it like it is.

Aley

Hello there! Here with a review. Two things we should get out of the way first, well, maybe three.
1) I'm a nitpicker. Everything I say is just advice/suggestions so don't take it to heart.
2) I write long reviews. I tend to change lines around in my mind as I would write them, so I relay that to the writer.
3) I'm a rambler.

Let's begin!

First of all, let me just put one thing out there. You obviously have natural talent! I mean, no, this poem isn't flawless. But, the meaning, the word choice, the rhetoric- it's amazing! This is probably one of the most powerful poems I've read on the YWS since I joined last month!

It's hard for me to collect my thoughts after reading this. We'll begin with the lack of capitalization. Obviously, you must have typed this in word processor that doesn't have an automatic capitalization. I'll just run through a quick list of things you have to capitalize:

First of all, the title and the first letter of the first word in your poem. The rest you can surely leave uncapitalized if you wish.
Make sure you capitalize any religious references or works like "Dante" and "The Bible" and "Anima Christi." Don't forget to capitalize "Gerard Hopkins" and any "I"'s as well.

Now, let's move onto your line breaks and such. I can see why you chose to cut off a line in several different places. You create dramatic effects/pauses that really enhance the poem. For instance: "fuck
you friends and traitors and fuck
you stars and skies and sickos
fuck the cold and
the zealots and the pain and fuck the fire and
my house and the living and the ashes
fuck the grave and the morning and
the smoke and the day i was born"

Putting the emphasis on "fuck" is genius. Every time it's repeated, it cuts through in a cold, harsh, yet captivating way.

On the other hand, there was one instance where the line break seemed a little misplaced.
"that's right, he says while he empties
his tin of gasoline onto the kitchen
table over the peonies i was
saving
pouring it into my books my gerard
hopkins and dante and
bibles"

I don't see any reason to make "saving" stick out. It does just that- stick out like a sore thumb. I'd end the previous line with saving, rather than "was" so it looks like this:
"that's right, he says while he empties
his tin of gasoline onto the kitchen
table over the peonies i was saving..."

"his dirty fingers
open
my spine like a seam to
the dark in me and
the sores on me smell
like
vinegar
the malice
in his little smile tastes like the bird catching
its
worm"

At first, I wasn't sure about the line breaks. I re-read it a couple times, then I'm thinking PERFECT. You are a genius. You put the emphasis on all of the right words!
Let's talk about the bird catching its worm though. I feel like this doesn't go with the flow. Perhaps reword it a bit, or change it up to something completely different. This line just kind of made me stop and disrupted my reading. I just don't like the word "worm" here, ending the stanza. Don't ask me why, maybe I'm just crazy!

I take back what I said about capitalization. I think you need some punctuation for the poem to make more sense, which therefore means you'll need some more capitalization. Let's take a look at the first stanza:
"he put a plague on my house
and
has come back to burn it
fuck me"

I'd add a comma after "burn it" in the third line to lead us more smoothly into fuck me.

Also, not sure about the opening line "He put a plague on my house." Perhaps change it to "He sent a plague to my house." Or, simply just change the word "put" to something with more pizzazz. It just seems too simple of a word to begin such an epic poem. You need a different verb there or something...

Also, the last stanza:
"so he puts his hat on his head and
leaves like a spider swept out by a broom
as i'm still trying to say the anima christi
with my tongue half burned"
This is what I would change it to:

"So, he slaps his hat upon his head and
leaves like a spider swept out by a broom
as I'm still trying to recite the Anima Christi
with my tongue burnt and singed."

Perhaps the last line needs a little work on my part, ha ha! It's so hard to decide on how you should end such an epic poem! Perhaps that last line does suffice. It's so difficult to call, because some more simple lines are placed perfectly, so maybe the end should mimic that? It's up to you, obviously.

Regardless of my nitpicks above, I LOVED your poem! LOVED, LOVED, LOVED it! Genius! Seriously, I'm not just saying that. This poem is very moving, full of emotion, and shows what real, raw talent you have.

If you have any questions, shoot me back a comment or a private message. Feel free to ask me for a review anytime!

(P.S. You're not obligated to review anything of mine, but when I decide to post my novella's first chapter that I've revised in a few days, can you take a look at it if you have a chance?)

Happy writing,

Kali Lennon