Published December 4, 2011
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Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,382 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
@ Lumi: I appreciate that you took the time to review and I will do the best I can to improve my work. But, I will say this:
You can review a literary piece without being discourteous. I felt that your review was a bit malicious. An arrogant and insensitive review doesn’t make me want to change my piece at all. Rather, it makes me want to go in the opposite direction to oppose what you said.
Focus on giving me constructive criticism, not slandering my writing ability. You can give me constructive suggestions and tips without being rude.
I might need to revise my approach to poetry, but you need to reevaluate your reviewing methods just as well. Reviewing is about helping the author improve their work, trying to help them become their best. It's not about making a point nor is it a chance to arrogantly abuse someone's ability to write.
I would also advise you to stay away from reviewing religious pieces, since it seems that you cannot contain yourself from being nasty whenever a literary piece mentions Jesus Christ.
Again, I appreciate the attempt, but I will not be taking any advice from you until I am convinced that you earnestly desire to help me improve as a writer, not insult me.
Thanks : )
-H.
Good evening, Hayden.
Another religious piece, and another poetic miss. This poem fails for a number of reasons, the largest of which I’ll discuss in this review. Let’s start with how you take a ridiculous amount of space to say something you say in the first stanza.
What’s dictated in this stanza isn’t enlarged any further through the rest of the poem. You just tell a bible story in even less accessible language than the bible itself. So it’s a story of a dude coming to another faith. But you don’t tell us what he saw that was so awesome in Jesus, you don’t tell us why he’s doubting himself, and you spend all your time slathering worship sauce on Jesus. It makes for bad poetry, and that’s exactly what it’s done in this piece.
Your language that I mentioned just a few lines above doesn’t quite make sense. It’d be understandable if the entire poem was written with a constant style of that old tongue, but you deviate so frequently that you end up only having anachronistic O!s and mines. So you kill your flow and audience connection with the mere words you use. Not a good move, and not good poetry. But I think I told you this in the last poem I reviewed of yours. Hopefully this time you’ll edit.
I’ll assume that most of your issues stem from your demand that the entire poem follow a stringent rhyme and rhythm scheme…which most poets can’t pull off. In this case, you’re in the ‘most poets’ section.
Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
-Lumi
Okay, first of all, I want to say that this had to be one of the best poems I've ever read. It was truely phenominal. You have real talent, and I expect that you will go far as an author if you choose to pursue that path.
Second of all, you language was exquisite. The way you worded the lines made it sound as though it really was a Roman Centurian writing the poem. I also liked what you did with the rhyme scheme. You didn't ulternate the lines that rhymed through the whole poem, yet each stanza followed the same pattern.
Quote:
Who was sentenced to die by Pilate's hand.
Yet, found no fault in Him they did,
This is my favorite line.
All in all, this was an amazing and touching poem. Keep up the great work!
Whoaah.... I wish I could write poetry like this. You have such an amazing gift and you're using it so well! I can't really review this... I want to see the short story! Post it soon!
Hey Hayden! Dogs here for your review today. I really really really really really realllllllly liked this piece! It told an amazing story and that story is really long. This poem might be a little longer then most poems but to condense that story into this size of poem is rather impressive.I really love the imaginative writing you used. You use really strong words and language which painted a strong image in the readers head which I personally love. I am definitely going to read your story if your poem was this good! Keep up the good work!!!!
TuckEr EllsworTh
This is awesome! Its very powerful and deep. Your word choice and sentence fluency is wonderful! I wish I could write like this! I would really love to read your story you based this off of.