Published August 12, 2011
[Post Deleted]
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,234 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
Okay, this was great.
As a christian, I can truly appreciate this, I'm going to let my friends know about this, and show it too them.
It was amazing, your characters are believable, real, and emotional.
I really am wishing there was more to this, really.
But that's just me getting in trouble with short stories, lol.
I like it how you made the miracle, the real miracle, come by.
It was great.
The idea is, for me historical, and goes well with the bible. I appreciated it a lot.
Your grammar is exquisite as well, I was only able to find a couple of minor mistakes that I think some other people will have already pointed out too you.
I don't read much Christian writing around here these days, or anywhere. And this was a great change. I'm going to go and look through your other work, do some more reading on what you write.
Keep up the good work, I'm glad to find it.
Some day here I'm gonna try one of these, a Christian story like this.
It was inspiring.
Keep writing - you have my compliments on this for sure.
I just loved this, Hayden
Although everybody's contest entries were truly fantastic, I thought that this definately desereved to be in the top three - I've therefore given you third place 
YAY!
More than anybody else's, I found this one piece of writing to be one of the most descriptive and without any mistakes.
I also love your character.
Well done!!!
I'll be back soon with your points... That I need to get o_O
Good luck
Emmzziee
This is really good.
It gives a really good mind movie and i really like that. Its like i dont have to work so hard to get what you mean!
Keep writing!!!
Fly On~ Raven
Hello, Hayden!
Finally, I get to a review! Ok, so let's get started...
Hayden, you don't need me to tell you that you're a brilliant writer: for heck's sake - a publisher is interested in your work!
As always, your prose was controlled, with just the right balance between flowery stuff, dialogue, and description. I love how you are the "master" of your story; I mean that you never let anything slip or an unbalance to occur. Basically, your story was tight and seamless.
As for your characters, they were beliveable, and relateable. The emotions you ushered into your characters made them very true-to-life. I think one of the reasons a story 'stays with' or is memorable in the mind of a reader is because the story in question appealed to their emotions. Lira felt and acted in a normal, human way, and I, as the reader, really sympathised with her.
Now, I'll get on with a few nitpicks. I have nothing major to point out, only just a few sentences, the structure of which I feel could be improved.
No 1, here we go:
I don't like this sentence. It was too short and stumpy and didn't flow smoothly. It didn't, ergo, fit in with the rest of the story. If she was physically starving, she wouldn't just be thin - she'd be bony and sickly and skeletal. I reckon you need to think of some of your own describing words or phrases to really show the extent of her starvation and fragility.
Next.
No 2:
In, not on.
No 3:
If she was running, wouldn't she lift her skirt up? And therefore, she would kick the dust up with her feet - right?
No 4:
How is she wearing that bag? Surely, it must be crossed over her body, and, in my mind, the plural 'breasts' isn't accurate.
And...that's it! I really enjoyed the last sentence, by the way. I love the sleekness and stirring reminincence of it. Your storytelling abilities are just so amazing! You've got this way with words!
I'm looking forward to your next piece!
~ Amelia
I have to go and make our dinner now, but I'll review tommorow night, promise!
Well, well done. Thank you for sharing such a good example of what God has done to save us.
Keep writing,
~FW~
Hey Hayden!
)
So I'm just going to point out a few things that I noticed. (It's wonderful, by the way
One thing that kinda irked me was the fact that you start out with a few sentences of action and then immediately cut to several paragraphs of description. Maybe that can't be helped. But if it's at all possible you might be able to incorporate some more of that action into the descriptive parts.
Throughout the entire story you do fantastically in varying your sentence structures. Until this paragraph right here:
In this case, pretty much every single sentence is one simple thought and that's it. Maybe try combining a couple of them.
Also, I know I'm being oh so very picky but you do use the word "blood" an awful lot. That probably can't really be helped, but I definitely noticed it.
This is pretty much the best line ever. Just sayin'.
Okay, when I got through reading this I realized that I didn't really get a feel for Lira's age. (Hmm....Lira sounds an awful lot like "Lyla," don't you think? ;D Maybe like a young teen? You should put that in somewhere.
Such a beautiful, emotional piece. I LOVE it! Good work Hayden! I will be stalking you for more stuff. See ya!
~Devan
I love this. I read the more expanded part of this that you sent me a while back, but this is just as great. I don't remember excatly how you ended the other one, but consider adding this to the ending somehow. Jesus' death is such a powerful love story and you've portrayed it so beautifully through Lira.
Okay, so I've already read this. And I read it again...and I cried, again. This is awesome dude. Keep it up!
Hi there!
This was a very good read. You deveolped your character very well and even had me feeling bad for her. Your descriptions were good, quite realistic actually. I'm impressed that you decided to write about such a heavy topic. I was kind of sceptical before I read this, wondering if it would be historically correct, but it was.
Shouldn't you capitalize 'he' when talking about Christ? I've always been taught to do that. And also, at the time that Jesus was going to be crucified, those who reached out to help him would be in deep trouble. Why was Lira spared from punishment, especially since everyone though she was a witch?
Great job! Keep writing!