[Post Deleted]

Hello Hayden,

That was amazing! I enjoyed it quite a lot.

I like the descriptions though, like some of the others I would say there were a few to many (I really did not mind that much once I was fully into the story though.)

I have to admit, at first when you started portraying Jesus I was not sure I liked the way you were doing it but then... the more your story went on it reminded me that, as so often happens we try to put Him in our small boxes of thought. Jesus is God, He loves all mankind. Who are we to say Jesus can only look one way or another? If He appears to someone He can look like whatever he wants too! Personally, I believe your representation of Him was interesting and a good reminder that Jesus is, and should be, the greatest love and lover of our whole lives. Jesus knows exactly what we need and when we need it, be it a King, a Lover, a Best Friend or most of all a Savior. What does it matter what he wears?

Regarding the fear point of your story, I believe that was fantastic! You demonstrated very well how He is always with us, how we should give all our fears to Him. (Psalm 56:3- What time I am afraid, I will trust on thee.) This part was very encouraging to me. Thank you Hayden.

So, as a whole I believe you did a fantastic job. Thank you Hayden, for sharing your incredible talent and passion for Jesus with us. I believe God can use you to do great things.

Keep it up,
~FW~

Hiya Hayden! I'm here as promised!

There is absolutely no questioning the fact that you have a gift for writing - your prose is incredibly sharp, attuned, and focused. You make your reader part of the story, drawing them in further and further until they're there with your main characters, seeing everything they see, feeling everything they feel. I became utterly entranced by your story: I literally couldn't take my eyes off the page. In other words: I loved it!

Now, onto a few negative points...

One: I feel that you over-prosed just slightly in a few areas. Nothing major, though. They were the kind of sentences which I read and winced a little. Your descriptions are gorgeous, don't get me wrong, but sometimes you flower things up a bit too much. You know me: I like short, sharp, and emotive.

Two: You used the word 'sea' - far too much. I got tired of reading it. I mean, it didn't detract from the body of work, but every time I read it, I cringed. I know your story revolves around the sea, but try and think of some other synonyms to replace it.

Three: Just in the way of general nitpicks, I only have one:

HaydenSmith wrote:Rachel’s eyes had grown familiar to the darkness

This was an amazing story I loved how Jesus was portrayed, with lot's of energy but so kind and loving My favorite line in the whole story was something like, I am God, not some stranger, dear Best line EVER!!!

The ending of the story sent shivers up my spine, it had a very good lesson.

The descriptions were also very well although there might have beenjust a tad to many...

Overall, absolutel brilliant, I say that one wins the contest

This is such a beautiful story!

I especially like this bit,

The surface of the water broke like paper, but the waves hit her like slabs of concrete.

Hello there

A great veil of fog was swept across the expanse of the sky, shrouding everything beneath its wing in darkness. The clouds and sea bled together as approaching shadows swelled upon the bow of the murky horizon. The breath of a storm fell upon the roaring seas, lifting the waves over cliff faces and beds of jagged rock.

It felt like she had fallen into a sea of broken glass.....
...As the shadows began to devour her,