Young Writers Society

Hayden it was great as usual!

BUT the snake needs LEGS he isn't cursed yet, so he needs legs then he can loose them latter. Okay? Sorry this is just.....bugging me....legs....LEGS!!!


Okay I am done....legs

L.E.G.S spells LEGS!!! Yay!! Okay now I am done....legs

Awesome!!!! There were things I may not have agreed with in a biblical sense, but all and all I found your story GREAT!
One question? Why did Eve carry a spear at the beginning? Just wondering...

(Still can't wait to have your books on my shelf some day!)

Keep writing,
~FW~

Moo;

Firstly, I want to say that I very much appreciated the review before I write anything else. Just know that.

Now, I must say that it stings.

After multiple people told me that my writing was flawless and imaginative, your review stung pretty well. But, I thank you for the criticism.

I definitely see what you mean about “hooks”. I'm definitely going to work on that.

I agree with what you said about Eve seeming robotic. Getting into my characters has always been the hardest part of writing for me. I always make them so flat. I can never get into the meat of the character. That’s a challenge for me.

I see what you mean about me adding romance to my piece or using unneeded description. Romance has always been my thing. I’m big on romanticism. The problem is I don’t know how to use it effectively…? I need to change that, I guess.

I definitely agree on the “info dump”. I have a problem with that, too. You’ll probably find it in most of my writing. It is often used when I describe the appearances of people. I have a really hard time expressing what the characters are like through actions.

By the way, I’m now simply dreading over the mess I made with the “fruit-eating” scene, as you pointed out...

Overall, your review was helpful. I want my story to be emotional. I want it to be powerful. You’re the first person who really ever told me it needed improving. I look forward to making it live up to your expectations

I’ll let you know when I edit the piece so you can see how I've improved it.

Thanks so much for the help!

H.

P.S. Feel free to review my story "Unbound". I really liked what you had to say!

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?t=79413

Hey there Hayden, Moo here at your service with a review. Seeing as no one has really nitpicked this or pointed out some of the more obvious flaws, I'm going to do so now. :3 Additions will be in bold, and anything that I feel should be deleted will be crossed out. Any other comments will be in italics.

The sun bled through the canopy of the forest. The air was cool and soft, feeling light on Eve’s skin. The breeze was sweet on her lips. Innocent curiosity bloomed in her mind as she explored the unknown regions of an ancient garden.

As she made her way through the deep jungle, she plucked exotic flowers from their vines, cautiously taking in their perfumes to discover if their scent was sweet or sour. (Can flowers really smell sour?) There were a hundred different tunes being sung by hidden birds. Fruits of every different shade and size were sprinkled throughout the garden, hanging from trees, swinging from branches, and falling to the ground with readiness to be consumed.

In Eve’s hand, she tightly gripped a spear. The shaft was made of a sleek wood. The spearhead was carved from heavy stone. It was a gift from her husband, Adam. With its sturdy weight, she felt powerful.

In the afternoon, once the cool of the morning had been swept away by the blazing sun, thirst began to itch her throat. After a few moments of searching, Eve conveniently found a small pond nearby.

In the pond’s glass-like surface, she could see her reflection. Eve recognized her wide eyes, round chin, her slender face, delicate nose and curved lips. Leaves and twigs had made a nest of her wild copper hair that tumbled down her shoulders and back. She began to pluck the fragments from it and combed her fingers through the knots.

She cupped her hands and brought the water to her lips and drank. The water was sweet and it raced across her tongue and cooled her burning throat.

Suddenly, the faint shadow rushed away from her sight and Eve could hear footfalls trail away. Curiosity blossomed in her mind again and she chased after the noise. Eve hurried through the jungle with her spear. She took powerful strides with her long legs. Her hair flew behind her as she sped through the trees.

As Eve fled deeper into the jungle, the trees grew closer together and less sunlight filtered through the canopy. She veered right and left, dodging trees and bushes. Her breath burst through her lips with quick rhythm. The wind was no longer sweet, but musty with age. She could taste it on her tongue as she sprinted through the woods.

The tree’s branches forked through the sky. The wind made the leaves of the tree sway chaotically. Small fruits could be seen in the tree, yet, there were none on the ground. Eve immediately understood where she was.

In fury, Eve bounded forward across the meadow to the man. She reached out, tore the fruit from his fingers and tossed it to the ground.

The man turned to face her and Eve gasped. His eyes burned through her with radiance more glorious than a billion suns. They were sharp and hot, like that of a serpent. The stranger’s face could have been chiselled from the smoothest stone. His carved chin and jaw was perfectly square. His sharp cheekbones framed his masterpiece eyes. A wide, tall forehead and sturdy brow completed his glorious face. His unblemished, milky skin was crafted flawlessly over his strapping bones and the meaty slabs of his striking, concrete muscles. The man’s blonde hair fell in glossy, curling locks down his back like liquid sunlight. His long burly arms, and square hands, laced with steel muscle, were both godly works and deadly weapons.

The man was magnificent. Eve was strangely attracted to him.

When he spoke, his voice did not match his beautiful, flawless lips, for his voice was like a dragon’s.

The serpent uttered one word that struck sheer horror in her heart as the ravaging fever burned mercilessly. Its voice was as a dragon’s, its eyes blazed like cinders from hell. “Sinner.”

Wow, this is amazing! It's so beautifully written, and great imgination and emotion. I wish I could write like that. ^_^ I was crying towards the end of it! Really great job, you have an amazing talent for writing!

~Tear

This was absolutley amazing! Just phenomenal. There is no other way to describe this! Very new ideas on this story and just amazing imagery. You are seriously talented.

Wow, I can't tell you how much that means to be. Thank you so much!

Ok, so I couldn't wait, you got me all curious. Haha. So I can't find anything wrong with this. I ABSOLUTELY LOVED THIS. I can't really say how i feel about this, except by the end of this I was crying. This was very personal to me. Very very personal. But, you should think about getting published. It is that good. Keep writing. And I know everyone says that on here. but really. keep writing. Because I would so pay money to have one of these stories. You have the potential to be a famous writer one day.

THANKS!

that was rly rly good it made me think! you are a phenomenal writer hun (: Keep writing. Review minee

Thank you Amelia!

However, I am quite curious. What parts of the story do you disagree with? I'm very interested.

Hi Hayden! Glad to see you've posted another work. Gramatically, this is pretty much impecable. I really can't fault you. Your descriptions and literary devices very brilliant and well-thought-out. The whole concept is certainly unconventional and imaginative. I'm not going to press like for I don't exactly agree with the happeings and the storyline. But, don't let me put a dampner on things! Well done!
~ Amelia

Yea, I know. Eve is the infamous tempter of Adam. I tried to show that he was still eating from her sin when he reached for the fruit that she had eaten from. Because she took the fruit, Adam found it.

I just honestly feel so many Christian men (besides me) blame women, especially Eve, for letting them fall into sin. But I feel that Eve is more than just the tempter of Adam. She hurt, she cried, she regretted. I believe this tore her to pieces when she was forever separated from her beloved Father God. There's more to her story than being the temptress of man.

Ummm... WOW! That was amazing! The only thing I can say is that Eve tempted Adam to eat the fruit, but still, that was intense! Great job!

Just to clear up some confusion, I don't think you should have ended any differently. It's just... It's kind of sad it had to end the way it did. This story makes you wish it doesn't have to be that way, that Eve would realize what the serpent was just a little sooner. I think you would have offended some people if you had changed the ending, and it would have taken away from story as a whole. Anyway, that's what I meant.

Wow! Thank you so much for the review I never thought my writing could be so moving. Thanks!

I have to agree with most of your points.

**The ancient garden: Though I believe in a literal Bible, I also believe “six days” to God was billions of years. It just comes from my beliefs that it would be ancient to them.
Also, to me, it is an ancient garden. Historically, this probably took place eons ago.

**Eve’s appearance. One thing to know, the forbidden fruit did not bring one simply knowledge. Adam and Eve had knowledge before the fruit. The fruit strictly brought knowledge of Good and Evil. Before hand, Eve and Adam did not know what was good and what was evil. Hygiene is not good or evil. Good hygiene is natural. When she starts pulling the twigs out of her hair, that’s what I’m imagining. She’s cleaning herself. She’s keeping good hygiene.
However, I see where you might have thought this. When they eat of the fruit, they realize they are naked. Nudity is seen as shameful and evil and when they eat the fruit, they see it as such. They were not meant to understand the difference of good and evil, but when they ate the fruit, their eyes were opened.

** “Fled” I like it there. It almost feels to me that she is “fleeing” from what she once knew and was familiar with (innocence).

**The serpent as a man. Yes! This is new. I made Lucifer into a man, but I tried to make him very much alike a snake; the movement of his body, the feel of his eyes, and his dreadful voice. I wanted to be traditional too, so I made him turn into a serpent during the climax.

**I agree with this. I will change it.


I can see how you would want it end differently. I did too, but I felt it was appropriate. This is the fall of man. There is no hope and it couldn’t have ended differently for me. That is another story.

I will definitely let you know if I need your help on anything. Let me know if you need me to review something.

Thanks again!

~H. C. S.

I really want to cry inside. This was terrific. This will be the second peice of yours I have read, and I bow down to you. The feeling here is wonderful, but I am going to put in my two cents of the negative because I'm just like that with reviewing. Believe me, there's not much.

Innocent curiosity bloomed in her mind as she explored the unknown regions of an ancient garden.
Ancient garden is an odd way to put this, but I like it. The fact that Eden could have been ancient while Adam and Eve were living within it is intruiging.

Leaves and twigs had made a nest of her wild copper hair that tumbled down her shoulders and back. She began to pluck the fragments from it and combed her fingers through the knots.
Here was one of my few problems. From what I've understood of the way Adam and Eve lived before the fruit of knowledge, they didn't know appearance mattered, so why would she be fixing her hair. Wouldn't it be normal and unneccassary?

As Eve fled deeper into the jungle, the trees grew closer together and less sunlight filtered through the canopy. She veered right and left, dodging trees and bushes. Her breath burst through her lips with quick rhythm. The wind was no longer sweet, but musty with age. She could taste it on her tongue as she sprinted through the woods.
To me, fled makes it sound like she's running away from something when she's chasing it. The whole paragraph gives a feeling of dread where it doesn't fit.

Beneath the shadow of the tree was a man.
This made me go, "Whoa! Completely new thought." I have never even considered that the serpent may have masqueraded as a man.

It disturbed her and she removed her hand.
There were a few of these grammatical mistakes. A comma should go before the and.

Wow! That's frickin' amazin'
I couldn't see any flaws at all :')
LOVE IT!! <3
Carry on writing (:

I have to agree. Your writing is always fantastic, Hayden. Can't wait to grab one of your stories off a bookstore shelf in the near future

All I have to say is, "beautifully written".