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Young Writers Society


12+

Heavy Through the Gate

by Codayy


A pile of gray bricks and Gothic ironwork was mounded around each of the remnants of two, five-foot pillars that stood fifteen feet apart. While the overthrow remained standing, beams were broken off, protruding past the rubble and functioning as fine edges. The snow that flurried amounted to a couple of feet on the ground. However, the layer of snow that dusted the pointed tips of each beam served as no protection from the heaps’ piercing capabilities.

Similarly, the metropolis a few miles away was met with desolation. Through the eyes of a person from the demolished gate, one would see that only some of the tallest buildings held its architectural integrity. Others were lopsided or found collapsed. One structure was recently obliterated, as smoke from its fire billowed until it mixed in with the color of the clouds in the sky.

The overcast was only penetrated through a ray of sunlight that shone near one of the pillars of the gate. A naked, ashen-skinned woman with coarse, amber hair that went below her waist, stood in the ray.

She carried a seven-foot conch on her shoulders like Atlas. Her right hand had her fingertips wrapped around the outer lip and the conch’s gritty, sandy brown aperture. The woman’s left hand felt a bumpy, rough texture as the conch was covered in solid tar everywhere except the inner lip and the beginning of the glossy, royal yellow body whorl that spanned as until the end of the siphonal canal. Spines that exceeded a foot poked out throughout the gunk. Ridges on the spire and body whorl surrounded bejeweled gemstones such as sapphire, onyx, lapis, and emerald. Colors of green, tan, and purple were also variegated in the tar that gave the appearance of a dark iridescence.

The woman’s feet and ankles were buried in the snow as she parted with the outskirts of a grass patch. She would find no refuge from the biting snow if she continued walking forward. Teeth chattered. Pins and needles festered.

However, the pain from the shell’s weight surpassed anything the weather afflicted. Everywhere she ached. Discomfort from the beginning of her journey gradually turned into pangs for her neck and shoulders. One leg buckled from the weight, so she let herself stop from her footslog.

The woman looked down onto herself. Grime was smeared all over her body. Snow hissed as it landed upon her skin, melting into droplets of water. The cold, dry air was overwhelming, allowing her to smell nothing. The only sound came from the howling wind and the crunching of the snow as she wiggled her numb feet. And in that sense, that only amplified her loneliness.

Her eyes started to water. A teardrop started to roll down her cheek. The woman’s hair obscured her despair if anybody happened to watch. At the same time, a blue, viscid liquid ran down the siphonal canal. The droplets parted with their surface, and they splashed onto the ground simultaneously.

After a few more drops, she composed herself. The woman craned her neck towards the conch. She couldn’t let go of this possession. Through her life with the item, she learned the intricacies that the conch held. Every detail meant something to her and she knew how they worked together as a composite. If she left her shell behind, her journey would have no purpose. She would only wander.

The woman’s tears dried up. She bounced to resecure the shell, and the shake emptied the remaining liquid left in the siphon. The pain persisted, but she accepted the pain as a constant that must be dealt with. She trudged through the gate resolutely.


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Sun Dec 02, 2018 12:23 pm
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Starve wrote a review...



This is the first post of its kind I've seen on YWS and I have to say you did a great job.

The piece feels like an exercise in methodical descriptions. So all my comments are on two line of thought —
i. Whether a description of such an image should be purely factual, or should personal interpretations, thoughts on symbolism and context be added to it.

ii. Given that it is a methodical part-by-part description, where it works and where it could be improved.

So the first thing I did was read @wafflewolf7 's review, and I agree with them, that too many numerical or concrete descriptions let's the over-all sense and feel of the work take a backseat, which should be avoided.

The next thing I did was I reverse image searched the image and it turns out that it is a cover of an album by the band Circa Survive. And you could have talked about that too in a way, since the rules on such stories and descriptions aren't hard and fast. Whether to add that dimension of discussion to it, is of course upto you, but in my opinion, it would possibly be beneficial to the reader to give them a sense of the origin of the art-work, as well as it would let you talk about what inspired it. Though it would definitely add more work to be done in the story.

Moving on to the actual review —

1. The vocabulary is pretty diverse and sufficient for the descriptions, given the complexity of and the various elements in the image. Like talking about the overthrow etc. The grammar and punctuation seem fine enough too.

2. Here is the second danger with giving descriptions like " five-foot pillars that stood fifteen feet apart."

There is no frame of reference that I see that gives an estimate for that value, so in a way you are making some assumptions about the image. (Thus, it might be better if we get your personal opinions and thoughts and images anyway.) The woman could be normally sized, or a giant (like, as you mentioned, Atlas). The buildings are too far away in the distance. The shell denies realistic classification anyway. You also assume that there's tar covering the shell, though it just be its natural colouration. You also assume that the woman is literally crying from the weight of the burden even though face can't be seen. So I'm not saying it's wrong to take some assumptions, but to realize the responsibility when you realize you can.

3. The other side of that is that Your observation skills are pretty good as evidenced by how you've described the buildings in the background. So I would say that you have an eye for detail, but you should also maybe spare a thought as to what should be included and excluded in the 'story'.

That is all, I like how the narrative is built in the latter half, especially even noticing the liquid in the shell dribbling down and weaving it into it!


Good work and keep writing!




Codayy says...


Thank you for the review!

So the first thing I did was read @wafflewolf7 's review, and I agree with them, that too many numerical or concrete descriptions let's the over-all sense and feel of the work take a backseat, which should be avoided.


I responded to @wafflewolf7 's review first, which covers my general agreement towards this.

The next thing I did was I reverse image searched the image and it turns out that it is a cover of an album by the band Circa Survive. And you could have talked about that too in a way, since the rules on such stories and descriptions aren't hard and fast. Whether to add that dimension of discussion to it, is of course upto you, but in my opinion, it would possibly be beneficial to the reader to give them a sense of the origin of the art-work, as well as it would let you talk about what inspired it. Though it would definitely add more work to be done in the story.


There's a few things interesting about this. For one, a reverse image search showed that you research for this which is cool... Thanks. Also, I didn't know you could the image since I, uh, blurred the nipple... heh.

Okay, on a more serious note, I chose to write this piece of artwork because I love this album. Top listened of the year for me. However, regardless of that, it's rather hard to find references through the artwork in conjunction with the lyrics. The artwork was chosen due to its duality of apocolypsm and the acceptance of that. The theme runs into the song, but the lyrics are mainly independent from the artwork. The exception to that is Rites of Investiture which describes a story of a person carrying something heavy through a gate.

tl; dr for that paragraph, I tried.

There is no frame of reference that I see that gives an estimate for that value, so in a way you are making some assumptions about the image. (Thus, it might be better if we get your personal opinions and thoughts and images anyway.) The woman could be normally sized, or a giant (like, as you mentioned, Atlas). The buildings are too far away in the distance. The shell denies realistic classification anyway. You also assume that there's tar covering the shell, though it just be its natural colouration.


This is a little paradoxic to what I said earlier, but I hope this makes sense. I used estimated numeric details, not as a means to be meticulous in my detail, but moreso to give a frame to an impossible to classify landscape. Idk the length of the conch, but how I do establish an estimate without ambiguity? I feel like there's a few band-aid solutions like "a large conch rested on her back that rested on her back and shoulders" but it seems clunky. Basically, I'm trying to find the magical word that describes the estimates for each numeric description I did but I can't think of them.

tl;dr You're right, but I'm not sure how to fix this problem without sounding too vague.

You also assume that the woman is literally crying from the weight of the burden even though face can't be seen. So I'm not saying it's wrong to take some assumptions, but to realize the responsibility when you realize you can.


To make the theme apparent, I did this. I could be wrong, but it seems to be hidden for a reason, and I made an inference based on the theme of the album while as I mention earlier.

There's a few stylistic choices I wish to change about this draft, and I'm glad you were able to assist me on that.



Codayy says...


Um, it cut off my response to the quotation for some reason. Basically I said I generally agree and explain why i wrote the way did in my reply to wafflewolf's review.



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Fri Nov 30, 2018 7:22 pm
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wafflewolf7 wrote a review...



Hey! I just wanted to add a bit of personal advice (you obviously don't have to take it) on your essay here!

You often describe things very analytically-

"remnants of two, five-foot pillars that stood fifteen feet apart."

"She carried a seven-foot conch on her shoulders like Atlas."

and

"Spines that exceeded a foot"

If you're describing an image, even more an artwork, its very important to show the way that you feel when looking at it, or how the characters feel in the piece. You do a good job of that in some places, but I won't walk up to this picture with a ruler and measure the conch to see if its really seven feet.

Hope this was helpful!!




Codayy says...


Thank you for the review!

If you're describing an image, even more an artwork, its very important to show the way that you feel when looking at it, or how the characters feel in the piece. You do a good job of that in some places, but I won't walk up to this picture with a ruler and measure the conch to see if its really seven feet.


This was a descriptive essay for an English class, so I went technical and robotic to avoid bias. Typically biased adjectives contain ambiguity which why I avoided them in my assignment.

Now, regardless of that, I agree with you. If this wasn't an assignment, I would change some of my more concise descriptions because it's a little much. If I make another draft, I would follow that suggestion. At least for the spines and pillars part. I think maybe the conch description might stay, just because the conch is abnormally large which might be too vague, but that's about it. But like, adding some emotion into the conflict would work in my favor.




Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.
— Neil Gaiman