Torn

Honestly, I could not make head or tail of this. It sounded like a bunch of cobbled together words that happened to sound nice together. I couldn't understand what in the world you were trying to say.


"If loves' wings had been torn apart, (did you mean "love's"?)
And had fallen to the ground,
Our life would be over,
And we'd live with the pain of not knowing,
And the denial clearly showing."
This verse makes the most sense. But still. "And we'd live with the pain of not knowing," Not knowing what?


"And If only,
If only,
It's wings stick together,
And the hearts of two souls,
Could unite for the better,
Weather It be heaven or hell,"
If only what? You don't complete the thought but go on to ramble about something different. Either that or you mean "If only it's wings stick together" (it should be "its"), in which case it should be something like "If only its wings would stick together."
The last line doesn't make any sense at all with the rest of the verse. If it's meant to be a new thought, there should be a period after "better" in the second to last line. Also, shouldn't it be "Whether"?


"We'd at least see,
That only the pain ceases,
And the love repairs,
Once we hold our hands,
And share our two wings,
And fly, fly far away,
Into the lost hexes of the mid-nights' glare,
We'd live once again love,
We'd live once again."
Once again, I can't make sense of this. How is it connected to the last verse? If it's not meant to be, then you need to put a period or whatever punctuation at the end of the at verse. I don't even know where to start with this verse. From beginning to end it's utterly nonsensical. It sounds like just a hodgepodge of highfalutin language tied together with commas in a far-too-long sentence.


"If loves' wings had been torn apart." And again, didn't you mean "love's"?


Like I said, I'm afraid this made almost no sense to me. Maybe it would help if you changed around your punctuation a bit. I think a few extra periods could go a long way. I'm sorry I couldn't be more specific about what may or may not need to be changed in this, but I just couldn't make sense of it. Maybe I'm being terribly dense, but that's not typical me, so you might find it worthwhile to go through this again and see what you can do to make it more coherent.

Good luck!


*adna*

thanks ^^

Over all i thought that this poem was OK. It seemed to vier toward being purple prose; which is all to easy to do to impress an audience, instead of content. However i do not think you have done this deliberately
The imagery, i must concede was beautiful one thing that a good poet needs is : an eye for the beautiful. Or else your writing will become stale and banal - something that no amount of practice or learning can amend. So yay for you on that! *woop*

Your structure on the whole is good. It doesn't jump or get messy; which is nice
The consistency of your rhyming pattern is off though. As at points you break into a rhyming couplet, but it is not consistent with the rest of the poem. If you are going to use couplets or a rhyming structure, then please keep it consistent.
One final thing that bothered me, was the over use of the comma. It was neither a correct use of punctuation or beneficial to the read. Oh! and if you are going to use a comma no capitals after them.

Weather It be heaven or hell,

And fly, fly far away,

If loves' wings had been torn apart.