Young Writers Society

Hello there! Luata here for a review. It has admittedly been quite a long time since I've written any, so please bear with me as I get back into the swing of things. Onward and upward!

First Impressions

I liked the emotion that you were trying to convey, but it initially struck me as odd that you were writing from the abuser's perspective. That being said, I quite liked the effect. I would love to see you elaborate a little more on abuser's mental state and/or emotions. I want to see motivations for his actions, or at the least, his own internal monologue on the subject. I feel as though you are missing something important by not addressing that aspect, especially given the subject matter. The story-telling effect is quite nice, but again, I'd love to see some more emotional issues being addressed. There were a couple of grammatical issues (I'll address those below), but the flow of the story worked very well and conveyed your meaning in a descriptive yet not overly loquacious way.

Grammatical Issues

You are a shy, quiet thing when your friends first introduce as.

I'm assuming you meant 'us' rather than 'as' here.

You dislike me at first, you think that I’m too bitter.

Two independent clauses here, so you ought to separate them with a semicolon or make them two separate sentences.

Then you start to warm up to me the more you get to know me. The more that you see my different sides.

Exact opposite issue here. Here you have an independent clause and a dependent clause ("the more that you see my different sides" being the dependent clause) so you ought to combine these two phrases into a single sentence or you ought to make the dependent clause an independent one.

You start to cling to me at parties, you say that I’m turning you into someone more fun than your usual self.

Same issue here. You have an independent and dependent clause. Make sure that you combine these two into a single phrase or make the dependent clause an independent one.

Work starts to get stressful, and you start clinging to me at home too.

You can delete the comma after 'stressful'.

You want me there every night, you need me to sleep.

Independent, independent issue.

No more independence.

This is a dependent clause masquerading as an independent clause, however, if this is an effect you are trying the achieve, then the grammatical incorrectness of it can be ignored. That just depends on whether or not you're wanting to create the abrupt declaration effect.

You brush off the bruises, you say they were accidents, you’re just clumsy.

Independent/independent/independent issue.

Wrapped in my warming embrace.

Same thing as above, about the dependent clause that may or may not be incorrect, depending on the effect that you want.

Story Flow

There are just a few things in this story that I struggled with, as a reader. I do agree with @Holysocks about the "Finally, you start to notice that I am harming you" bit and about the ending. The "just one more sip" does present the issue as one of addiction, however, by alluding to alcohol, you lose some of the effectiveness of the rest of your narrative. It detracts from the overall emotional atmosphere that you spent the entire piece building.

You don’t want to leave me. You truly believe this is a normal, healthy relationship. You poor delusional girl.

This suggests to me that the abuser knows full well what he is doing (which actually brings up an interesting psychological perspective, but I won't get into that). To me, as a reader, I don't quite understand that. In the context of the story, it just presents the abuser as a rather two-dimensional character. I know the story is short, but, like I said earlier, I'd love to see some depth to the abuser character. I think there's a lot of interesting perspective that you could explore with this piece.

Final Thoughts

I know that this review seems rather nitpicky (and I'm terribly sorry) but this is the sort of review that I find helpful, so I tried to be as in-depth as possible. I love the idea that you here and if you ever decide to do a re-write or a revision, I'd love to read that as well! I think that this story has quite a bit of promise and that with a bit of polishing, it could be even more powerful as a narrative. I hope you have a wonderful day and that you continue to write!

Cordially,
~Luata

Hey there! I thought I'd drop by for a review.

I thought you did a good job of making this very... I don't know, sociopath-like? Like I mean, the feel of the story was very numb, due to the second person POV, and it you just did a very good job of making us think that it was going to be a love story, and then, well, it turned very bitter- and we got to see sort of what it may be like in an abusive relationship. So awesome job! I think you conveyed what you were intending to. c:

You need me by your side whenever you go. No more independence.

So I found this transition a little odd. Until this point, we just see a cute couple, with one of them being a tad on the clingy side- and I mean, there's nothing super wrong with being somewhat clingy, but it can get out of hand. But then suddenly it's saying that the narrator is the reason the relationship is unhealthy. And it's just a very confusing transition, because like I said, there aren't many clues before that lead to that being the case. I think what could help this, is if there's something more at the beginning that gives us a hint- like perhaps instead of the friends liking this person, they don't like them right off the bat- or something else along those lines, just so we're all sorta on the same page.

Finally, you start to notice that I am harming you.

I think one of the disadvantages of second person POV, is that it's easy to sort of slip into "telling" a lot, as apposed to showing. I noticed that most of the information we got about the story and characters, was simply being told to us- and that really doesn't get us connected to the story/characters, because it's just not as interesting as seeing it happen for ourselves. Also, the reader is more likely to believe something that they see for themselves, rather than believe something they're told by a narrator or character. So, for example, the line above tells us that the MC starts to notice being harmed- but we don't know how, or when, or why they start to notice. Bring us into the story; we want to see the discovery, and what brings the MC to finally realize they're in a harmful relationship. Hopefully that makes sense!

Your last words will be “just one more sip”.

I felt like the ending could have been a bit stronger. I didn't feel like the last words "just one more sip" were particularly related to the rest of the story in a way that made me feel especially surprised or wowed. I'm not sure what might make the ending stronger, but perhaps something that sort of ties in the beginning of the story to the end? Even just a similar play in wording such as something like:

You are a shy, quiet thing when your friends first introduce as. You dislike me at first, you think that I’m too bitter. Then you couldn't live without me.

Err, or something like that? It's just an idea/example of what I mean by tying in the beginning a bit. Sometimes things like that can work well because it reminds the readers of the previous parts of the story and it's just a nice sorta thing.

In any case, I thought this was a cool- and a bit disturbing - of a story! I think people don't always realize how easy it is to fall victim to those types of relationships- like it's more like a "that's something that happens to other people" and it's hard to grasp why someone would stay in a relationship like that. But it definitely is incredibly difficult. And I think it's really good to show that in writing sometimes. So awesome job!

-Holysocks