Fire
I was lying in my bed,
on that fateful night,
that dreadful night,
reading a book,
and all was alright,
when I heard that horrendous cry.
That cry,
so filled with pain,
with agony,
I knew something wasn’t right.
I knew something bad,
had appeared.
Then I felt it,
this warmth,
this unnatural heat,
and I knew I had to take
my life in my own hands,
or I would be gone.
I ran and ran,
down those halls,
I ran,
but the fire toyed noisily,
running its spindly fingers,
its flames through my hair,
I almost turned,
but I kept running.
The fire cooed in its praising tones,
telling me,
“Life is better where I am,
it is better to be alone,
to be done.
You are better dead,
better gone.”
And I almost stopped,
but I kept running.
The fire impersonates,
everything you know,
my friends,
my family,
even my dog.
I stopped,
I turned,
and what I saw was terrible,
worse than death,
worse than fear,
and when I turned,
this is what I saw…
In a circle of fire,
danced things,
my favorite things,
my old stuffed animals,
my desk,
my notebooks,
and they danced,
to the rhythm of death.
They chanted a rhyme,
calling to me,
“Come with us,
come with us,
we know you love us,
don’t leave us,
don’t,
go…”
And I almost ran,
I almost went,
standing on the brink of death,
when a hand laid itself on my shoulder,
and I turned to see,
a fire fighter,
and he spoke,
“Don’t go.
They are things,
and only memories.
Memories.”
When I escaped from that house,
that burning inferno,
of life and death,
of black and white,
and red,
I knew that those things,
my favorite things,
were truly,
only memories…
Please read and review!
~Cloverinthefield
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Thank you both, very much.
I thought this up in the shower, and I quickly typed it so it didn't get any revision.
I will change the poem to suite your points, Amelia, because I agree with them.
I may change it and add more, Emmy, but I'm not sure. I also wanted to display a semi-childish view, since it is from the view point of a teen forced to "grow up". I do think it could be reworked for grammar and better word choice, though.
Anyway, thanks again, I really appreciate your opinions and praise.
~Cloverinthefield
I really really liked this and the ideas in it. But, other than the storyline, nothing else is very intimate. We don't really know what the character feels and it would be better if we did. Add more and it will be amazing. It also felt childish at times.
keep writing,
Emmy
Hello! First of all, welcome to YWS! Have fun here. Btw I love your username. Anyways, onto the review. I really liked this. It was a little weak in the beginning but slowly improved and was at it's peak in the middle. A few small nitpicks: ie,
- I don't like how you reiterate your words: it's obvious that something isn't right.I'd scrap the second line here. A blunt statement is all you need to make an impression.
One more:
Again, I feel you used unecessary repetition. Remeber, blunt and pithy is effective.
Just my opinions. All in all, this is a brill piece. A *like* from me!
~ Amelia