Published January 16, 2008
[pre]I crept to the room slowly,
a hesitant shadow,
his arms outstretched,
beckoning,
a bloody indication,
silent save the occasional gulp,
eyes wide with shock.
I moved toward him calmly,
took a hand in mine,
my eyes locked on his,
he pulled me closer,
wished I could take it away,
he embraced me, tightly,
the blade finished its act.
I gasped for breath,
he held me up,
kept me from falling,
it tore easily,
into my soft flesh,
I was too far gone
to be saved.
No gap left between us,
blade concealed completely,
one last time our lips met,
a kiss that said 'I love you.'
We lived as one,
breathe as one,
die as one.[/pre]
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,517 Reviews
A romantic death. Deep and sexy at the same time. This was a great poem. Good imagry. It makes you think.
Wow, cool. Dark and compelling.
Holy cow. Morbid, and romantic. How did you manage that one? It's amazing. I love it for no other reason than it's morbid, and very personal at the same time.
Very... Uh morbid... Though this did have showing rather than telling giving us the idea and showing. It's frightening in some respects as a lot is never understood, you should maybe include that. But truthfully this would be better as a short story as morbid as it is... Overall: You need to read more poetry: Here
Plus take into consideration my suggestion to make this into a short story, because from this you seem a better prose than poet.
Good luck
VSN
----------------
Listening to: Black Eyed Peas - Where Is The Love (2003)
via FoxyTunes
Wow! It gave me chills. But I think there was the TEENIEST grammar mistakes at the end.
"Breathed as one. Died as one." I think if there was a "lived" then it would make more sense to do the same to the last two lines.
Otherwise, it was a bit unsettling in a way but then I understood the message.
I really enjoyed reading this.
The emotion is shown so clearly which allows the reader a good understanding of everything that's going on.
Well done.
Awesome poem.
Keep it up.
Compelling, moving, sick...beautiful.
I'm not too sure on the structure of your poem...it seems a bit all over the place.
The last verse is powerful. I wasn't expecting it to be like that.
Lovely work. Maybe just get a rhythm happneing that looks a little more stable.
Peace V
This was very well written.
The message came accrosed loud and clear and I just loved it
The last line really pulled it all together and packed the punch
I love the tragic love/death mix poems
Keep it up
I enjoyed reading this poem,
I loved all the details.
And Everything.
[[Heey, I liked this poem!]]
Get the point?
I don't have anything bad to say about it!
10/10!
I really like it
Very powerful. Your message came through loud and clear. The part about dying as one gave me chills.
Clockworks~
Your poem is super excellent! It was well-written and personal, but also a twisted love story. (which is way cool)
It was sad but sort of happy at the end, because it was love. (awwww!)
~Nightfall
Clockworks-
I liked it. But I must say, it didn't seem to have any sort of rhythm or rhyme that I could locate. It seemed to me the only things that made this a poem was line-breaking and artistic phrasing. I was a bit confused as well, I found it difficult to follow. But those last three lines certainly packed a punch, emotionally. So, you're doing good, and I certainly think you can make this poem better.
DarktoTruth
I crept to the room slowly,
keep writing
a hesitant shadow,
his arms outstretched,
beckoning,
a bloody indication,
silent save the occasional gulp, - Put a comma after silent.
eyes wide with shock.
I moved toward him calmly,
took a hand in mine,
my eyes locked on his,
he pulled me closer,
wished I could take it away, - put 'and i' before wished
he embraced me, tightly, why a comma before tightly?
the blade finished its act. where did this blade come from? where did he put it? what did he do?
I gasped for breath,
he held me up
kept me from falling,
it tore easily,
into my soft flesh,
I was too far gone to be saved.
No gap left between us,
blade concealed completely,
one last time our lips met,
a kiss that said 'I love you.'
We lived as one,breathe as one,
die as one.
... Confusing. I sort of liked it, but looking at your writing skills it looked like you could have done better
Wow...that was morbid...No offence though! Your doing excelent!
I liked that a lot. Very, very, very demented. The last line really packed the punch. It really emphazied what you were trying get across.
I really have no clue why this guy killed her (and I believe himself). Was it a Romeo and Juilet type thing or something? I just thought it was some psychopath guy who slit girls throat.
Best Wishes
--Kyle
Death with a romantic twist. I guess I got my message through. ^^;
That was a powerful ending. Or at least to me, it was. The "die as one" was what really got my attention, so great job there. I'm guessing that this is a Tragic Love Story Poem. I like it. ^_^ Keep going!
~Syd