Published January 13, 2011
The wine lines my lips with red stripes,
sipping warm-colored liquids for three hours
not so slowly, trying to tip my thoughts
enough for you to slide out,
but you don’t go
and tag clouds and statuses
summon you
social connections draw back to you
the web is strewn with pieces of you
like Her saying your Name –
and it’s a mystery,
the number of times
a heart is wrecked
via
technology,
a wonder that the wine
doesn’t fix anything.
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138,206 Literary Works • 672,082 Reviews
To be honest, you should turn the wine part into it's own separate poem. It just doesn't fit with the bit about social networking (not that well, anyway). Well, it actually does fit, but the change from wine to social networking is...meh.
Also, one little nitpick:
"and it’s a mystery,
the number of times
a heart is wrecked
via
technology,"
The way the technology falls is just unnatural; I would suggest you make it on the same line as the "via".
Keep writing, and good luck!
Well... It keeps me thinking for a while that was is this thing all about...
I could not understand it... Then also it had a good flow but it went of the track at some places...
Keep writing...
Huh? I didn't understand it, well not that well, anyway. The wine paragraph and then the social networks seemed, very cliched. So, I would only give it a three out-of ten.
This is my favourite paragraph, I somehow thought it was going to be linked to romance. But I don't get the last sentence either. 'enough for you to slide out?'
I'm sorry if i'm been harsh, it was just a very confusing peice for me.