z

Young Writers Society


12+

Reverent - Chapter 1.0: Awaken

by Arctaire


NOTE: This is just what I've written and edited so far, and is by no means the finished/full product. Also it's the FIRST thing I've written so... I have no clue if it's any good.

Chapter 1: Awaken

The sun shone brightly, peeking in between the leaves of the overhead trees. The summer breeze flowed across the sands of the surface, carrying the petals of the flowering trees through the warm air. In a place of blue sky, yellow sands, and green trees; red decorated a lone tree where a man lay bruised and battered from a horrific battle. Blood ran from the cuts and gashes which adorned his body, soaking the sand from which the shady tree grew.

A strong gust blew across the land, causing the trees to sway from its power. As a ray of light flashed across the mans face, he awoke instantly from his unconscious state. He scanned the area in front of him, as his sore body was unwilling to move. The sound joints popping and muscles creaking could almost be heard as the man slowly stretched. Able to move he groaned and rose up from the trees base. The man unaware of his location, nor how he had come to rest beneath the tree he used to steady himself, began to look around in hopes of a sign of civilization.

He had heard of places such as these, where the ground was sand yet able to grow extraordinary trees from its shifting surface. He thought hard in hopes of remembering where such environments existed but his head throbbed with pain causing him to fall onto his knee, hand grasping the bark of his shade giving support.

After several moments passed his eyes opened to the sound of a soft dripping, as the blood from a wound fell onto the already maroon sands below his knees. Large patches of the trees roots were soaked in a deep red where his back had made contact with the tree. Overwhelmed by the amount of blood he had lost, he wondered how he was still alive.

“Svicran!” he exclaimed.

As the name of this foreign terrain suddenly came to mind. He laughed gently to himself, amused by the suddenness of his outburst and as a means to distract himself from the bloodstained sands below him.

Upon standing again his face shifted from amused to one of confusion. He began to realize he did not remember where he learned the word he had accidentally shouted, nor how he came to be injured. The most alarming realization came to the forefront of his mind, he was unaware of his own identity.

The shock brought on from the awareness of his unknown identity was short lived as the bloodied man’s surroundings began to suddenly change. The soft blowing sands became wet as water seemed to rise from the depths below the ground. As the rush of water rose the man watched as his blood washed away in the slow swirling currents that ran through the rising tide, invisible to the peridot colored eyes that stared into the mystical occurrence in front of them.

The heavy stains from where the man’s back once lay faded as the blood began to flow around the thighs of the awe stunned man. Instinct took over as water level was rapidly rising; the man pushed towards a nearby hill that reaches just to the tops of the surrounding trees.

With a sudden and mysterious dread rushing into the man’s body, he rushed to the dune that slowly shrank with the continual rise of the water. The urgency and seeming inability to swim properly thrust the helpless man into a state of panic. Lungs filling with the bitter salty water. Coughing, sputtering in attempts to keep his head above water. The world fading to blackness, from which only mere minutes ago light had thrust him out of into a foreign and now deadly land.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
401 Reviews


Points: 1658
Reviews: 401

Donate
Tue Feb 10, 2015 3:10 pm
ThereseCricket says...



Hey,

I read through, and I don't think there's actually anything I can find that hasn't been mentioned by previous reviewers. I can assure you, though, that I'll be looking at your future chapters, and reading them as you post. This is an amazing start to writing. :)

~Cricket




Arctaire says...


Thank you :)

And yeah, people have been very thorough and it's amazing and super helpful.

I have ideas for, what I think is, a good story arc. But I'll need to refine it, I have up to/around chapters 1-4 planned out. I just need to finish writing chapter 1 >.<

I hope you enjoy what I have planned :)



User avatar
152 Reviews


Points: 3965
Reviews: 152

Donate
Mon Feb 09, 2015 5:08 pm
View Likes
Rubric wrote a review...



General impressions:

Simper is sometimes better: At times, you fall back on less conventional grammar and syntax, and this can trip you up. I do this myself. One thing I’ve been trying to do recently is make my punctuation simpler, and use more basic tools like shorter/longer sentences to convey tone.

Amnesia causes as many narrative problems as it solves: It’s a neat way to start a story, marking a good break in consciousness and plot to launch a story, and (re)introduce novel concepts regarding characterisation and setting. It can limit you too though, as you’re reduced to using pronouns (he, etc) until you name the character. It can also be jarring when the character forgets something important or simple, but remembers something archaic or exotic. The trope is also a bit overused, because it’s so useful.

The character should be paying more attention to his injuries than he is: the focus of his attention on his surroundings and missing memories misses the urgency anyone who has suffered such injuries would surely feel. Survival instincts should kick in, and it’s precisely those skills that should survive narratively-purposed amnesia.

Specifics:
“shone brightly, peeking”
Peeking is a passive, almost timid word, whereas shone and bright are more assertive. Consistency in diction is helpful to create a stronger sense of atmosphere, like “shone brightly, pouring”, which makes sense, given the desert location.

“the sands of the surface”
Surface of what? “surface” is a feature of another object, but that object isn’t listed, making it read like a sentence fragment.

“In a place of blue sky, yellow sands, and green trees; red decorated”
This semicolon is awkwardly placed, and in my opinion, a poor use of punctuation. The fragments are linked sufficiently that a comma would suffice.

“sway from its”
“sway with its” is a stronger phrasing, because it establishes a clearer relationship between the force and its effect.

“and muscles creaking”
Traditionally bones creak, but muscles don’t. Muscles are more organic and meaty, and are usually associated with tightness, soreness or tearing.

“his face shifted from amused to one of confusion”
The grammar is a little confused here. I’d go with either “shifted from one of amusement, to one of confusion” or “shifted from amused to confused”. The visage is either a kind of face, or a characteristic of the face, and it shouldn’t alternate within the same sentence.

If you've any questions or comments, feel free to post on my wall or by private message.

Cheers.




Arctaire says...


Thank you so much for your comments :)

They are definitely helping me learn, and making me think more about my word choices and phrasing.

and I will be changing parts of my story because you are very right with the amnesia and injury stuff. You gave me a way to fit my idea for a character in which is great cause I loved the idea but didn't know how or when to get them involved in the story.

The effort and detail you put into your reviews is something i'm grateful for.



User avatar


Points: 526
Reviews: 2

Donate
Wed Feb 04, 2015 3:59 pm
TheMessenger15 says...



The passage is quite unique, beginning off with the view of an injured man lying in the middle of a forest alone, you describe the environment around the person and of what he feels like being injured and sore very nicely, although it is hard to believe that this is your first time, my favorite part would be the ending and how you describe him first coming out of the darkness and now returning to it, one slightly annoying pick is that try not to use "the man" repeatably.




Arctaire says...


Yea, I need to figure out a new way to describe him, at least till the full end of the chapter. He doesn't have a name ... yet (I know what it is ;) )

Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I felt so cool when I wrote the part on returning to the darkness :P



User avatar
1007 Reviews


Points: 13831
Reviews: 1007

Donate
Wed Feb 04, 2015 2:37 pm
View Likes
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy heeeere :3

I hadn't planned on reviewing this at first, because I am behind in my reviews (as always), but after I read through it once more, I thought - no. A first attempt in writing needs as much feedback as possible, to keep you going. c: This is your first attempt at writing? *narrows eyes* Really? To be completely honest, It is very very hard to believe that this is your first attempt. I believe you, of course, but this is just so good of writing - for anyone. You really have a hand on the descriptions, especially, and some of them good enough to make me want to go crazy quoting them to people. Good word choice throughout. You have an ability to describe a scene to perfection, with such clarity it's as though I'm actually seeing it - and not just through the eyes of my imagination. You have a gift. I'd say that this was a successful first attempt - no, not successful. This was an amazing first attempt - at writing. Please please please continue! c:

I'll just go through and show you a few things for your future pieces.

In a place of blue sky, yellow sands, and green trees; red decorated a lone tree


One thing you can work on in your descriptions are the wordiness. You have quite a few adjectives in them, which makes the sentences rather clunky to read sometimes. Like the one above. ^^ blue sky, yellow sands, green trees make the piece halt for a moment while the reader digests the information. In most cases, you can build a single verb that says it all. In this case, yellow sands could become merely sand. It gives a solid image all by itself. Another way to keep things more... diverse, I suppose, is to slip your adjectives in different places than merely in front of the noun. To use an example I loved from your piece: man lay bruised and battered. That was wonderful. Cut back a bit on the adjectives, and try to slip them in different places as you did in the sentence about the man lay bruised...

Able to move he groaned and rose up


You do have a slight issue with correct punctuation, which will you will get past in time. c: I have found that simply writing and doing reviews has helped me because I learn how things flow together. But references help a lot, too. So, here is a link to a website that I've used as a reference quite often. c:

Another thing you could work on in your future chapters is bringing your character closer to the reader. For all we know, this character could be a robot - just doing the actions as some machine tells him. We don't have any feelings from him to indicate what he's thinking, what's happening inside. Is he afraid? I'd think with all this happening around him, he would be! And I know you mentioned his fear a bit with your helpless man into a state of panic, but the reader needs more intimate ways of telling. They want into the mind of the character - by thought, word, action. Whatever it takes! Remember, remember: your character is a person, and your reader wants to get to know them. Show his personality - his likes and dislikes, how he talks (or thinks), how he reacts to things. In this first chapter, it is normal for the reader to not know everything about the character. That's understood. You have a few hundred pages more to go along with them, after all. But this is your time for a first impression. If there is no impression given to your reader, they will feel like they're being cheated - not enough of the character given to them. So show his personality through everything he does. Watch your friends and how they each react to their different situations. We all behave differently, right? Give your character that uniqueness, and then present it to the reader as they go along. c:

learned the word he had accidentally shouted


Hm. His shouting seemed intentional when I read it. I mean, it didn't sound as though he spoke without meaning to.

he wondered how he was still alive.

“Svicran!” he exclaimed.


One of your reviewers below stated that they didn't understand what was going on. This may be because you tend to flit around like a butterfly from idea to idea, never finishing them completely. Like the part above ^^, you begin and almost complete an idea (sometimes come so close, a few more words would have completed it), but before finishing - you move onto some other idea. That can confuse the reader and leave many door-ways open in your chapter that should be closed. Remember to complete each and every idea, and don't leave your reader guessing for those things. Leaving them guessing intentionally is genius and supeeeh mean, but with these normal questions and opened but not finished sections of the chapter, always complete them.

This chapter has me veryyy intrigued for the next one! So many questions are bugging me for answers here. Why did he wake up in this strange land? What is this battle the narrator speaks of? If he is losing so much blood, how is he still conscious? I will have to be patient for the next part (tell me tell me tell me you are doing another one. pweaase?) And just as a parting note, this was the piece a friend of mine and I squealed about yesterday. ;) Welcome to writing! And welcome to YWS! I'm sure you'll love both of them. c:
~Darth Timmyjake




Arctaire says...


Thank you so much for this, really made my day and to want to get back to finishing this chapter.

I like to describe stuff, apparently too much. I'll look into those spots and play around with them.

As for character related stuff, I guess it was intentional. In a way I want the reader to kind of discover the main character as he does himself, seeing as he doesn't really know ANYTHING. Though not ending my ideas is something I'll go back into, I don't want people to be put off.

I'll let you in on some stuff, I've created a whole universe/back story to a lot of stuff so there are reasons behind his maladies. What I've uploaded really doesn't get into any of the Fantasy aspect of the story, so I'm excited to get there. And finally, yes I will be writing more, I want to turn this into a true novel(maybe novella) so I have a long long way to go. What I've written so far(More than whats here) is maybe a fourth of what I think chapter one will end up being.

I guess I'll get back to writing since your post really got me excited to get a lot more done. Thank you :)



TimmyJake says...


I'm happy to have helped. :D This is something that really really really needed encouragement, because this was an amazing start. If you post more, please post on my wall with it or ding me. c:



Arctaire says...


I'm really new.... so I don't know how, but I'll do my best!

I'm hoping the rest is good too, I'm into some dialog now and I feel like that's a hard thing to handle. Much different from just describing stuff.



TimmyJake says...


Dialogue has always been my weakest point, too. c: Continual work at it will help work the kinks out. :)



User avatar
118 Reviews


Points: 629
Reviews: 118

Donate
Tue Feb 03, 2015 4:16 am
IceWinifredd wrote a review...



This is really good. I loved it honestly. Especially the cliffhanger at the end. It makes the reader really curious to know what it is that's going to happen in the next installment of your story. I like the idea behind this. However, one thing that really bothered me was how you managed to describe everything. Instead of smoothly blending it into the story without disturbing its flow, you make it sound more like a grocery list. You've done this on quite a few occasions. For example: "He scanned the area in front of him, as his sore body was unwilling to move. The sound joints popping and muscles creaking could almost be heard as the man slowly stretched." I think you could've done a better job of blending this sentence without making it sound choppy. Try something like this: "His weary eyes scanned the area below him, his aching body protesting with an audible 'pop' or 'creak' or his joints and muscles as his body slowly stretched." Or something like that. You'll know what to do with it. Other then that, i think this is an interesting start and if you play your cards right, then it'll turn into a very amazing story. Nonetheless, nice job on this. I enjoyed reading it. -IceWinifredd




Arctaire says...


Thanks :) This made my night.

I totally understand the choppiness and all that. This is my first attempt at writing pretty much anything, so it's bound to have bumps along the way. And it's why I joined so I can get everyone's perspectives and views/advice

I'll do my best to go over stuff and get the flow going better.



IceWinifredd says...


Alrighty then! I'm glad I could help! I look forward to reading more of your work!



User avatar
25 Reviews


Points: 576
Reviews: 25

Donate
Tue Feb 03, 2015 1:29 am
bellathebookworm wrote a review...



To be honest, I have no idea what you are talking about. I understand that there is a man, and he's injured, but I really have no clue why the surroundings are changing. Maybe that will be explained later, but for now I am just confused.

In the second paragraph,when you say "Able to move" you need a comma after it.

The description of land at the beginning draws the reader in nicely, though, and your writing is very smooth. I think it is a good start but it needs some work.




Arctaire says...


Thanks, and yea this is a very rough start that I'm going to expand upon everything and explain all the weird things I made up for a setting.

And I agree with the comma thing. I was unsure and after rereading I do need to go back and edit more.



ClippedWings says...


You've welcome.



Arctaire says...


I put up part 1.1, which is pretty much a lot of explaining what happened in this one, but doesn't give away all the secret stuff to come. Mostly it covers the water so it should help clarify this more.



ClippedWings says...


Okay



User avatar
65 Reviews


Points: 5752
Reviews: 65

Donate
Mon Feb 02, 2015 10:02 pm



Good start so far! I'll be back to review this once I have the time. :)





Never use your shield as a dinner plate, for that is when the enemy is most likely to attack.
— The KotGR Commander