NOTE: This is the end of Chapter 1, this part is long compared to the previous updates. But I'm glad I'm back to writing and completing Chapter 1 all together. As per usual this probably won't make too much sense if you haven't read the other parts. Enjoy :)
“No, I woke up shortly before the water started to rise, and now I’m here.” Arctaire explained, leaving out the details he had already explained.
“Well, hopefully we can figure out what happened to you and who you are…” Reslin paused. “I couldn’t imagine what you’re going through.”
Arctaire looked off into the distance and sighed “I’m hoping so too.”
The two men sat in silence as they floated across the surface of the water. Small peaks rose from the horizon. Green from the treetops thickened the line below the growing peaks. In between the trees buildings had come into view. Arctaire’s eyes glimmered at the sight of the small, semi-annual, coastal town.
Small wooden boats crowded the shoreline. The village had grown immensely in size upon reaching the docks. Multi-storied buildings hid among the tall trees that grew throughout the village. Arctaire was reminded of the festivals as lanterns in dazzling colors hung from the tree branches. Each with a small candle inside of a colored glass container. The sides of the lanterns had symbols carved into them; one of a tree, some with waves, and a mountain was carved into a few. Arctaire did not yet understand the meaning of these symbols but enjoyed the sights anyway.
The two men tied the boat to the dock and headed into town.“Where are we going?” Arctaire asked as his eyes took in the new sights of Aerdin.“Well, I figured a healer should be our first stop, after all you did say you woke up covered in blood and wounds…”
Arctaire hummed in agreement.
“And if all goes well we can go check out the festivities tonight, they light the candles and there’s lots of food and music.”
They passed by small shops with merchandise set out in windows and food stands with patrons gathered around surveying the food. With every turn more people were found, all talking excitedly about the day. The amount of noise on the streets was almost deafening compared to being in the svicran. Arctaire almost wished he was back on the sand dune, if only to have silence. After walking by a couple more buildings the men turned down a small alley way and headed into a quiet shop. Only a small sign above the door marked its existence.
The inside of the shop held an eerie glow of red. Two small windows let in light. The walls were lined with wood adding to the aura with its deep colors. The noise of the streets blocked by the heavy door closed behind the two men.
An elderly woman walked out from behind a curtain, her lips turned up slightly when her eyes landed on Reslin.
“Hit your head on another branch Reslin?” she asked jokingly. Reslin laughed gently in response.
“No, but I do have something… someone that you should take a look at.” He turned and clasped his hand against Arctaire’s shoulder giving him a small smile. With that the women walked over slowly, her body working hard to move itself.
“Come, Come. Let us see if there is anything I can do for you.” She walked Arctaire over to a cushioned couch so that he could lay down. She looked him over in a quick manner.
“So, what happened to you?” she asked.
Arctaire again recounted his tale. The woman listened intently as she searched his body for wounds. She moved his limbs and clothes in order to properly examine him.
“If what you say is true, you are very lucky to have survived that. But a mermaid, in the svicran of all places, that is impossible.” she laughed in a slightly mocking manner. Arctaire’s eyes fell to the large rug. He traced the intricate patterns with eyes full of disappointment and shame. Unsure if he should really believe what he had seen.
“There is one thing I am curious about, you said your back had been bleeding, correct?” the women asked in a concerned tone.
“Yeah, it’s still kind of sore.” Arctaire answered.
“Let her take a look.” Reslin said from a chair in the corner of the small room.
Arctaire sat up and glanced between the two. He nodded, turned so his back was towards the woman, and removed his shirt. Her hands gently traced the muscles on his back, and a small gasp could be heard as she reached the point between his shoulder blades.
“Reslin, I’m going to look after Arctaire for a little bit. Go enjoy some time around town.” The old woman said with a sudden urgency.
“What’s wrong? Maybe I can help.” He retorted.
“It was just healers intuition, he probably just hurt his back when he was younger.” Arctaire turned and saw a pained look across her face.
“But..” Reslin started.
“No, no. He is fine.” The old woman interrupted. “I just want to look him over and ask him a few questions. Go on.” She said in a more relaxed tone.
“Okay, but I’m going to come back so I can show Arctaire around town.” Hesitantly Reslin stood up and walked to the door.
“I’ll see you both in a little while.” With that he opened the door and quietly walked into the alley.
The air in the room seemed become heavier with the soft click of the door. The woman came to stand in front of Arctaire, her face void of emotion.
“Do you truly know nothing of your past?” she asked accusingly.
“Nothing! Why? What is going on? Why did you send Reslin away?” Arctaire replied anxious and distressed.
The old woman sighed “ I cannot help you anymore, but I know some people that can. I will send word to them.”
With that she hurriedly walked back through the curtain separating the front room and what Arctaire assumed to be where she kept supplies.
“I have set up a meeting point, and it should not take them long to get there.” the old woman stated as she reentered the room. “You must leave, and not return.” She sighed, “It is for the best.”
Arctaire was about to protest what she had said but was silenced with a wave of her hand.
“You do not know your past, but you shall find out soon enough. But more important to me, you do not know Reslin’s past and I plan to keep him safe.”
Arctaire was saddened by her words, but knew that if he wanted to remember anything about his life he would need help and whoever he was set to meet was supposed to be able to help him.
“I will leave, but I cannot promise I will not return..” Arctaire stated in a determined tone.
A sly smile formed on the old womans face, “Just leave everything else to me.”
Arctaire picked up his shirt and noticed two long slits had been made down the back of the fabric. These holes were separated by a thin strip of cloth that would fall between his shoulder blades. As he inspected it closer, he noticed stitching at the top and bottom of each slit as if to secure the openings from tearing.
“I’ll show you where to go.”
Arctaire snapped out of his confusion about the shirt and put it on. The two walked back down the alley and into the crowded streets. The mountains that served as a background to the town grew to an incredible height as the buildings became smaller in stature the farther from the town’s center the pair walked.
Soon open fields could be seen between the buildings, no longer walled in alleyways. A path split off from the main path and lead towards fenced in areas full of different farm animals grazing in the pastures. While another path lead to an ominous looking forest. Trees grown dense with thick, intertwined branches that shrouded the land.
The woman stopped just outside the wall of trees and turned towards Arctaire.
“This is as far as I can go. There is a small glade that can be seen from the path, that is where you must go. This area is protected so there is no need to worry of anything going wrong on your way to the meeting place.”
Arctaire wondered if she can sense his nervousness about entering the gloomy forest. He swallowed and began to walk into the forest, and only stopped to say a quiet thank you to the woman. They walked their separate ways. The nerves Arctaire had been feeling subsided as the nature that surrounded him was peaceful and calming. To his knowledge no sudden changes were going to occur, the ground was solid and various plants grew from the lush grounds.
He reached the glade after a short period of time had passed from walking and what he saw when he stepped into the clearing made his jaw drop with awe.
Flowers of every color covered the floor. Butterflies and small insects floated from petal to petal. Brightly colored birds sang sweetly as they searched for food. Arctaire sat on a small log, that was hidden among the grass, to take in the scene before him and to rest his legs while he waited for the unknown assistance to arrive.
Not long after Arctaire sat down a large shadow passed over him. What looked like an enormous bird seemed to be circling and descending into the glade. He stood up from his seat and slowly crept closer to the trees in hopes of not scaring the bird if it landed.
When Arctaire looked back up, the bird had stopped mid air, hovering. The closer proximity led to a clearer image for Arctaire, but a man with wings that spanned well passed twice his own height was the very last thing Arctaire had expected to see.
What could only be described as an angel; quickly swept down and landed a few body lengths away. The two men stared intensely, taking in as much visual information of the other as they could.
The angel was clad in armor. Pauldrons covered the man’s wide shoulders. An intricate design spiraled across the chest piece. The white, gold, and black armor glimmered in the sun’s rays. The angel’s wings spread once to an intimidating size, then wrapped around their owner. A pained expression sank into the man’s face and slowly he dropped to one knee and bowed his head in respect.
A discouraged voice escaped the angel, a tone of defeat and acceptance of a dreadful situation held the word captive as it forced it’s way from the man.
“Commander.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,819 Reviews
Okay since everyone seems to really good at grammar all over this site, I think I'm going to start being the feels reviewer, just focusing on the feels! So here we go. The way I do this is I take it chunk by chunk, and analyze the feels! :3 It takes a while, so if you don't want to read, you don't have to.
“No, I woke up shortly before the water started to rise, and now I’m here.” Arctaire explained, leaving out the details he had already explained.
“Well, hopefully we can figure out what happened to you and who you are…” Reslin paused. “I couldn’t imagine what you’re going through.”
Arctaire looked off into the distance and sighed “I’m hoping so too.”
The two men sat in silence as they floated across the surface of the water. Small peaks rose from the horizon. Green from the treetops thickened the line below the growing peaks. In between the trees buildings had come into view. Arctaire’s eyes glimmered at the sight of the small, semi-annual, coastal town" - More confusion! Arctaire doesn't know who he is, right? Or where he is for that matter. Confusion, confusion, confusion! But the line, "Arctair looked off into the distance and sighed, "I'm hoping so too." is good, really good, confusion, hope, maybe a tad of regret all wrapped up into one great sentence, quote, thing.
Okay, I take back what I said. This is kind of a long piece, so I'm gonna point out all the quotes i really, really like a brief thing why. Sorry if this isn't very helpful, but this review will get you out of the green room, so YAY!
"The inside of the shop held an eerie glow of red. Two small windows let in light. The walls were lined with wood adding to the aura with its deep colors. The noise of the streets blocked by the heavy door closed behind the two men." This chunk is good, very good, but also a little vague. Although the description is good and really sets the mood, it also begs the question, red glow? Where? How? From what? Why? I don't know if you intended for that, but oh well!
"Arctaire picked up his shirt and noticed two long slits had been made down the back of the fabric. These holes were separated by a thin strip of cloth that would fall between his shoulder blades. As he inspected it closer, he noticed stitching at the top and bottom of each slit as if to secure the openings from tearing." Okay, when I read this, all i can think is, WINGS! Very nice foreshadowing, very good indeed.
"The angel was clad in armor. Pauldrons covered the man’s wide shoulders. An intricate design spiraled across the chest piece. The white, gold, and black armor glimmered in the sun’s rays. The angel’s wings spread once to an intimidating size, then wrapped around their owner. A pained expression sank into the man’s face and slowly he dropped to one knee and bowed his head in respect." the stiffness and description of this new character is really good, the only thing I have to wonder about it, why the pained expression! Why? So many questions . .. but most of all, WHY? Sorry, I get carried away sometimes.
Hope this is helpful, or at least encouraging! Keep writin, while I go hunt down the other chapters to this story!
Hugs! - Biluata
Timmy here, as promised. c:
So I usually begin a review with some positive comment, meant to start things off with a smile. In this review, I think I'll just go through and comment as I read/review. So you'll just get a barrage of commentary from me. And I hope it's organized enough to understand in full. Sometimes, I get a bit confusing.
I haven't written a review in a while, so I'm a bit rusty, too. Let's see how this goes. xd
Period after sighed. Comma after so.
in between needs a dash to connect it, and you need a comma after trees
Comma after well
So as you can see, you have a slight (when I say slight, it's something you should be concerned about, but something that you'll get better at in time) issue with punctuation. As you write more and more, you'll get better at adding proper punctuation as you write, and it'll be easier to spot places, too. Writing helps that. Reading other writing will help you see how it's done properly. And also, read tutorials. I've found that this website is an excellent reference. It isn't that your punctuation is bad. No, it's wonderful for how new of a writer you say you are. But it's one of the things you can improve upon over time. c:
A quick note on your descriptions: They're very good, and I found myself able to see everything in clarity as you went along. But how you do them could be worked upon. When you write along, spread your descriptions around the piece. Imagine your chapter as a piece of bread. The description is butter. When you write the piece, be sure to spread the butter over the entire piece of bread, rather than allowing it to settle in one place.
Try to work on showing rather than telling - or, rather, veer more towards showing that telling. Both have their strengths, and instead of what many people say - show, don't tell. You need to do both. But more showing than telling is best, as it brings a sensory feeling to your writing. I'll give you a few examples.
There are several ways you could go with this. If he's barefoot, you could use the feeling in his toes and the crushing of the petals beneath his footfall to build the image. You could use the scents of the flowers around him to build an image. Remember remember remember - the five senses. Don't forget them. Every writer knows how to use the sense of sight to build an image, but many tend to forget the importance and gravity of the usage of the other four senses. They're awesome. Use them.
I already spoke of punctuation, but I'll give the ellipsis special mention here. For starters, be consistent. An ellipsis is done two ways. If done in the middle of a sentence, like: I know... you mean, you only use three periods to do the ellipsis. If at the end of the sentence, you do the ellipsis - and then add a period at the end. So an ellipsis isn't a sentence ending - just a mark to show a pause in narration or dialogue.
Work on that angel description a bit. It needs some molding and tweaking. When you referenced man while talking about the angel, it confused me. Not a big deal, but something you should look at while editing and see what you can do to fix the description. Love the character already, though. Look forward to seeing more of him in the future. There seems to be something behind him - something connected to Arctaire's past. It'll be fun and exciting to learn about that in the upcoming chapters. And wonderfulll cliffhanger. xD Whenever I read your works, I am amazed as to how you can be a new writer. Everything is just so so good.
As a fellow fantasy writer, I really admire your world-building. We're only in the first chapter, so this is the skeleton of what will be. But wow. You've already built your world and fashioned creatures and fantastical items around your character. The names are very fantasy, too.
I don't have the time to review every chapter you write of this book, but I'll try to jump in and review one every once in a while. c:
~Darth Timmyjake
As always, your reviews are incredibly helpful. Along with always making me want to write more. So i guess I'm going to start Chapter 2 tonight now
Commas have always been my weak point. In school I'd get over zealous and put them everywhere. But now it seems I've shied away from that habit.
As for show vs. tell that's something I'm really going to have to work on. I have all of thee images of what I want my world to look like in my head, and I want the reader to see everything the way I do... but I could do a better job at mixing things up. and yea I definitely do need to spread things out more. When I get in a descriptive mood I just go with it.
Thank you for all the wonderful comments and help! And I'll try to update more regularly so that if you're ever bored you can see how things are going.