Timmy here, as requested. ^.^
So this was an interesting story to read, and one I was not expecting. You're right about the title - that you may need to change it. Because when I looked at the title in my request thread, I thought it was going to be some sappy story about some love affair on the 23rd of April, blah blah. Or a diary entry. What I go was so, so much different from what I thought I'd see. And this story was a delight to read, and I enjoyed the topic and the message you send (the ending bit sounded a teensy amount like the end of Kane Chronicles, where they're addressing the reader - which I love. <3). The entire story is really cool, and it's almost... scary how much of a story you threw into such a short work. Really, you have a plot for a novel here. Think about it. You have mistakes, tragedy, death, suffering, science-fiction, two amazing characters - what else do you need? xD I say you should stash this wherever you keep your ideas, and pull it out when you want to write a new novel. Because this could become something far greater than a little short story. There's a lot of potential in this. Honestly. I have never been a fan of Science Fiction much (the space kind, although I do loveee Star Trek), but this story had me captivated the entire time.
Let's run over a few technical issues and other things I saw which could be improved. c:
I was angry with my parents for not letting me have enough freedom, so I borrowed my parents’ ship and left Lapone, the planet where I’m from.
Hm. Not sure what you could do about this, but it seems too much like info-dumping when you go and tell us you left Lapone because of your parents and Lapone was your home planet and etc... I think that when you do edits, you should enlarge this part and make it a bigger section of the scene. Go more into her reason for leaving. And, really, when you think about it, if her parents weren't letting her have enough freedom, she wouldn't even have access to their ship - which is why a bit more here would help. It's odd, but sometimes extrapolating on ideas and explaining things more dispel the info-dump feelings. Give this part a bit of focus.
Not just because she’s my best friend, but also, she can work a ship like a doctor with a scalpel, delicate and precise.
Good. I loved that comparison. Also, I think an Em-dash (--) would have done a better job instead of that comma after scalpel.
We had packed enough food for a couple weeks of fun, then planned to go back.
Where are the parents during all of this? Gone at Mars for the weekend? xD It seems odd that they wouldn't have noticed all of this activity around their ship.
but I’m quick thinking
Sometimes phrases we use, even though they might make perfect sense, don't fit in with the piece because of the context. When I read the part this is in, it pulled me out of the story for a moment. It seemed odd and disjointed, because I've always seen it as I'm a quick thinker. It isn't a big deal, and doesn't hurt the piece much, but keep in mind that when you use the same words, but in a different way - people can be taken out of a story.
I reached over and turned the radio off and looked at Lynn.
The two and there make this sentence a bit odd to read. Perhaps change around the last bit so it reads smoother? and turned the radio off, looking at Lynn. To me, that flows better and sound more natural.
She dropped to her knees. "No. Oh God, please no."
This part needs a bit more attention. It all seems too... sudden, and they're just accepting it straight away. Oh, my planet has been destroyed. They just hear it once on the radio and accept it as the immediate truth? No, no, no - let them be skeptical about it. It's not like the weather man just stated it's going to rain on Thursday. Their entire planet - blown to hell. I know if I was in space and some radio guy told me that Earth had been destroyed, I would have to repeat it about ten times before I believed and understood. I would probably stare blankly at the radio for hours, still not believing. Also, since they're only like a day away from their planet, why didn't they just go back to make sure it had truly been destroyed? It seems odd that they heard this news once and accepted it for the truth without verification. Just something to think about for your edits. c:
I paid a lot of money to send this back to you.
In the letter to the reader, this just didn't seem to fit. Because how does the cost of the letter to Earth have anything to do with their destruction?
There are a few things for you to think about - not much, really. This piece was super well written, especially if you are - oh gosh. You're thirteen and you're writing like this? O_o That's amazing. Seriously, this piece kept me riveted to the page, and I hung onto every word. In the end, it's the plot which makes this work so amazing. Your style is nice, your characters are lovely, but the plot just tops all of that. Make this into a book. That's an order. I'd read it. c:
~Darth Timmyjake
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