Siren's Call

great work! for years, i've been afraid of the dark, cause of you know, the ghosts and spirits that they say are dwelling and mostly would go out at night.. ,well.until now i'm still afraid. .i havent realized that the real monsters are living among us.
well, my point is this piece made me realize that i should not be afraid of ghosts or whatsoever supernatural beings. thanks for that! and i like your humor at the end.. though, i didn't expect that you would introduce yourself and give details.. ,but this piece is really good!!

I find the start very interesting since it shows a certain darkness when you talk about the night. I like your style of writing because it's very descriptive. I will keep on reading.

Sorry, I'm not a good reviewer but I'm trying XD

~DessaTestarrossa

This is very different. It comes from a unique perspective. I enjoy how the story simply jumps in without history or any slow bogging down with boring details. You bring to life the imagination. The story reads in a musical fashion, which is intriguing to me.

Keep up the good work and I can't wait to read more!

OH! YAY! Something different and exciting! It reminds me of Vrasess, its humorous, new, and comes off from a different angle, it is something that has not been done before and I like it! I love it when people have their own writing styles and go out the box! This story was fantastic and I would love to see if you took it anywhere!

I won't nick-pick on your grammar and the like as some of the others have already done this, instead I just want to congratulate you on jumping into the "abbey-normal" box and not staying in the normal box.

The story you have here is intriguing and I love how you do not introduce your character until the end and even then you don't give much information about him! This is a good thing as most writers tend to give WAY too much of their characters back stories away at the beginning, which makes the reader lose interest no matter how much magic, adventures, action, and mysteries that they put in it. You are making your character more real by letting us think about what his past is!

Anyways hope you found this helpful!

KJR

I feel this was very well put together up until the end. I didnt like how the first person telling the story didnt even make it through a whole chapter without having somebody else tell it. And the part about specializing in all instruments was rather unclear to me because, simply put, when you specialize in something that has a large group of things that could be specialized (Such as music instruments), if you say you specialize in something, that usually means one part of the large group of things. Otherwise, you would just be good at every instrument. Other than that, I feel you have lots of potential in this story. Cant wait to read part 2.

How would you feel if entire cultures began teaching their children that you and anyone who looks like you are evil and wanted nothing but to rip their heart out and use it in some ridiculous ritual?

oh my goodness this story is amazing! i love all the funny little remarks you have put into it so far. up above is the only thing i think you need to change. if you're talking about the present, dont use past patricables. it messes up the flow of the story because the word isnt in the right tense. but other than that i love your story so much! i cant wait for it to be finished! now i have to go and read the second part!

I like how you pointed out human imperfections without being anti-humane. I think it's cool how you switched around the roles of humans and monsters; making the humans the persecuters and the monsters the victims. My only critic is that it seems to be written in present text, but the narrator knows what's going to happen. I'm not sure I like that, but that's my opinion. Also, I think that this should be the prologue instead of the first chapter. This story definitely has a lot of potential.

I like how you pointed out human imperfections without being anti-humane. I think it's cool how you switched around the roles of humans and monsters; making the humans the persecuters and the monsters the victims. My only critic is that it seems to be written in present text, but the narrator knows what's going to happen. I'm not sure I like that, but that's my opinion. Also, I think that this should be the prologue instead of the first chapter. This story definitely has a lot of potential.

well all I can really say is I enjoyed it ^-^

This is a rather intriguing start.

My only real nitpicks:
"I specialize in most instruments." Maybe this is just another part of the quirky humor you have going on here, but if you specialize in something, generally that's one thing. So to say that you specialize in most instruments... That's like saying every instrument is your specialty. The phrase in its entirety is "Jack of all trades, master of none." Basically, if you have a hand in everything, you're not especially good at anything... Since I'm assuming that you're trying to say he's good at all instruments, maybe find another way to get that across?

"... It's sure to be a blast. Ciao!" I'm not sure that phrase fits in with the rest of the style of the narration up to that point... :/

Overall, like other people have mentioned, there's a lot of telling here. It's not bad, and the quirkiness of the narration could make it work...

My favorite part is when you left us in the hands of his narrator. ^^

But... There were certain aspects of the narration that were... Mm... A bit irritating? That's not the right word for it. But... I don't know. There were certain things that could either come across as quirky and funny, or... distracting and... Yeah.

Like others mentioned, it could be a bit draggy in places, so... More emotion, more action... You've got a really good start on this, there are just a few things you've gotta work on. ^^

Alright, so, this was all just telling the reader. You gave the reader mass amounts of details, without really backing them up, or giving emotion. Pieces like that can get sort of boring and draggy for the reader, especially if there is no action to catch and keep the readers attention.

I would suggest to add a little action to the piece to capture your reader. Overall, though, you have a good idea.

~WickedWonder

Ah, I completely agree with you all on the wording choice. I didn't even realize that! This was unedited and written on the spur of the moment. I was trying to get my ideas in text before they left me. I will be sure to rewrite that sentence. Many thanks to everyone.

This was really well-written and neat. I especially like the way you obliterated the fourth wall at the end; don't think that's ever been done before, and it works well here. I like the heavy implication that the main character is more or beyond humanity without really dishing out exactly what he is; my guess is vampire, but it could really go in any direction at this point.

The only thing I really noticed was this:

I have been doing music for many years and have had ample time to practice.

Welcome to YWS! I'm Celticmusicgirl. Ok wow! This is very interesting. I can't hardly wait to find out where you intend to go with this. I think there was only one mistake that I saw here. "a fan on the Blame Game" I believe you meant "of". Oh and one more thing here. You weren't talking about just one human, you were talking about more than one so it would be "fans of the Blame Game" instead of "a fan of the Blame Game". That's the only thing I noticed at the moment.
Let me know when you post the next part and I'd be happy to review it. If you have any questions or comments or just wanna chat PM me or just drop me a note on my profile I'd be happy to help.
Maith adh,
Celticmusicgirl

Ello ClinicalCynic! You're new here too! :D Well, let me get you a review then, yes? Spelling corrections will be in red, the original text in italics, questions or comments in blue, original text bolded, and things I just liked in general in green! :D

They say the freaks come out at midnight. Why is that? What's so special about midnight? Is the air more conductive to supernatural experiences? Does the moonlight provide a less abrasive atmosphere for those that are slightly less than human? There are some things in the world that I will never understand. I think the sentence should end here. The next seems like a different subject. And on the top of that list would most certainly be why humans are so scared of the dark. I mean, really, if the Boogey Man were going to kidnap you he oculd could easily do so when you excuse yourself to the restroom. If a ravaging vampire were going to devour you, he could simply wait until you ran back into the house because you forgot your drink.

My point is that night time may be a choice time for mundane evil to take place but that is only because humans are scared of the evil within themselves. They feel that the darkness hides what they truly are: monsters. That's right, the real monsters aren't the dreamed up demons that were the brain child of a sleep-deprived author with no better story. Real monsters are walking the streets at this very moment. Real monsters live beside you. They water their lawn like the rest of us. They trim their hedges with the same shears that you would. They bring you chicken noodle soup when you have that god-aweful awful tickle in the back of your throat that makes you wonder if a small herd of kittens didn't take residence there overnight.<--I loved that XD The real monsters may even be sleeping beside you tonight.

Humans have a serious problem. Since the dawn of time they have been a fan on the Blame Game. No one wants to admit that they have done wrong and certainly no one would want to admit that they have the potential for some of the most heinous crimes in history. <--So true. Humans are so desperate for a scapegoat that when none can be found, they will create one. They enjoy pawning off the qualities that they deem as "evil" onto these fabricated beings. That's hardly fair to the beings, is it? How would you feel if entire cultures began teaching their children that you and anyone who looks like you were evil and wanted nothing but to rip their heart out and use it in some ridiculous ritual?

Well that's certainly enough gloom and doom for one sitting. I'm sure that some of you are quivering in your night gowns at this point. I must admit that the mental image I just received was quite amusing. Oh gracious me! How positively rude of me! I spent all that time giving my discourse on the perils of humanity and not once did I introduce myself.

My name is Jackson Alexander Wraithborn<--Cool last name!; however, I go by Zander these days. I have a family but they are spread so far and wide that I could not tell you of each of them if I tried. I'm sure that if you keep reading you will eventually encounter some of them. I must warn you though, I avoid them at all costs for a reason. We had a..."falling out" many years ago and no one has yet to recover from it.

I spend my days as a professional musician. I mean for there to be no misplaced bragging when I say that I specialize in most instruments. I have been doing music for many years and have had ample time to practice. I like to consider myself a "Jack of All Trades" when it comes to mus- Oh dear! I really must be going. I have a performance tonight for some very prestigious people with very big wallets. I will have to leave you in the capable hands of my narrator. He usually seems to know what's going on, and he's far better at story telling than I am. If you can, I would strongly suggest that you drop by the performance hall tonight. It's sure to be a blast. Ciao!

And so the spry young man left his favorite sitting chair by the hearth to make himself presentable for the performance. He was scheduled to play the piccolo this evening, an instrument he has been noted for for many years. But all was not as it appeared for our young protagonist. In fact, what was supposed to be a routine performance that was sure to bring in much profit, turned out to bring in much more than he ever expected.