Mines
2007, Wyoming USA.
“Nah, this shit is creepy. I’m out.” the coal worker, at least that what he thinks he is, throws his pickaxe to the ground. The clanging sound echoes off all of the dirt and stone walls of the mine. “I’ve had enough with R.A.D.”
R.A.D was the company setting up this mine. Real shady business that had appeared out of nowhere. No one had ever seen or heard of any of them. They were like ghosts. The money was sent to their addresses where they collected it every few days when they got a break from the unnatural light and almost eternal darkness that was these very mines.
“Yeah man, this aint worth it. Whatever shit R.A.D’s pulling, I’m not gonna put up with it.” Another miner says. The company had gone dark for a few days now. No paychecks, no contact, nothing. The three miners approach an old, rusty elevator. They all get in and it begins to glide down slowly. R.A.D’s workers had been on edge, it was a few months ago when their job had completely changed.
They were just coal miners, it was all they did. Most of these miners had come to this mine because of the almost suspiciously high salary. They paid forty dollars an hour while most places had paid only around twenty. The rooms were nice to, clean and not rugged like most. It seemed like a perfect job, but it wasn’t. They often were forced to switch jobs, moving to different sections every few months. And the way they gave out orders, it wasn’t like other coal mining, almost like they were excavating something…
The elevator screeches to its destination and the doors slowly creep open, stuttering every few seconds.. A voice booms on the speakers set up through the mines. “Hello miners!” A comforting and femenine voice says “I am here to inform you that you are all free to go!”
The miners look confused. They still had about ten hours until their forty eight hour shift was over. “I’m sure you're all very confused,” The voice says as if to read the minds of the miners “R.A.D has decided to shut down the mine. We thank you for your patronage, a bonus check will be sent along with your next one. We are sorry for the short notice and apologize for any inconvenience. Please move to the nearest exit, goodbye.” There's a loud buzzing sound as the microphone turns off.
“Well shit,” One of the miners says, scoffing “Guess we’re free to go, see you never!” He jokes with the other two.
“Right back at you,” Another one says. They laugh, knowing they're lying. They would probably head up to the and get drunk first.
“Wha- wait a minute,” One of them says when they turn around to head back to the probably dangerous elevator “Wasn’t the elevator right there?” Where the elevator stood, a huge cavernous tunell stood.
“Yeah, I- maybe us minds just be playing tricks on us,” One of them says. “We turn ‘round and it’ll be there.”
But to no success, when they turn around, the same tunnel leads straight into black. They begin to worry. “Hello?” One of them yells. “Is anyone there? We got lost!” Nothing.
One of them begins rushing down the tunnel “No, this ain’t right. I don’t remember this tunnel. Somethin’ changed.”
“But that's impossible, no way.” The crew of three begin to wander around the tunnels, searching for a way out. They all try to keep a positive attitude but can't seem too. Nothing changed. “We’re going in circles.”
“Nah, just keep walkin’ we gotta find a way out.”
“Hey… what- what's my name?” One of them speaks.
“Come one man, you remember. Its, its- whats a name again?”
The third one speaks “It doesn’t really matter, we just need to… what we doing again?”
“Dunno, I think we supposed to be trying to find a way out of this place.” The crew slowly deteriorates.
“Where are we again?” One asks “I suppose it doesn't really matter. I like walking.” The crew stumbles now, banging into each other and the now pink, fleshy walls. The walls seem to be pulsing with otherworldly life. None of them says anything, none of them would ever again. Never again would they allow themselves to be bound by such a mortal and human mindset, never ever again.
And so the miners wander the hallways. They don’t talk, they don’t think. It doesn’t really matter, as long as they’re happy where they were. Happy. It is impossible to measure the amount of time that passes before they hear something other than echoey footsteps. Days, months, years, who knows? Never hungry, never tired.
They wander these mines, forgetting all purpose of life. Because all they remember is that they were one thing and one thing only.
They were miners.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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This tale does indeed make one's blood run cold. The strange occurrences these miners experience certainly makes one wonder about R.A.D. Considering that this was flash fiction, it is very well done. Suspense is hard enough to build even when it's not meant to be a very short story, and yet you've done it very well. We congratulate you for that. We also appreciate the final sentence of the work. It makes one fell as though there is some sort of connection between mining and whatever this strange, otherworldy tunnel is. Very well written story!
Sláinte
The Cidrian Writer's Guild
This was...chilling. I felt code reading this.
Hey! Plume here, with a review!
Wow!! This piece was pretttty chilling. I'm a tad unsettled, not gonna lie. I really enjoyed how you built suspense throughout the passage. It's a lovely flash fiction piece, and you should be proud!!
One thing about this piece I really enjoyed were your distinct language signatures for the miners. You can tell they're slightly uneducated (the ain'ts) and their slightly crass language brings to mind country men who just want to make a decent salary. I really liked it, so... good job!!
I do, however, have a couple critiques.
You seem to have a problem with dialogue tags. For example:
You don't need to capitalize the 'A' in 'another.' All you need to change is adding a comma after the dialogue so it looks like this. Also, you need an apostrophe in "ain't." After it's fixed, it should look like this:
You do that in a couple places. However, I noticed an entirely different problem with your first bit of dialogue. This was the only place that actually needed capitalization, because rather than a dialogue tag, you put an action after it. You had some other hiccups with your dialogue as well, like forgetting commas, so I'd suggest just reading through your piece with that in mind.
This is a comma splice. You fix this by replacing the comma with a period, or using a semicolon. You could also use a conjunction after the comma.
I think you forgot the word "bar" in this sentence.
Overall: great job!! This was a great spooky story, and I am thoroughly spooked.