z

Young Writers Society



Chapter 1

by ClassyPenguino


A nice day in a nice town. What more could a refugee ask for? I walked along the shops my stomach grumbling for something to eat.

I stopped and counted how many coins I had left. There wasn't much that I could spare to spend so I limited myself to two coins.

I kept on walking until I reached a local pub. The sign was worn down and the words barely visible. It gave a nice rustic feel to it. I tightened the hood around my head and walked inside.

Though it was early in the morning, the noise levels were fairly high. I flinched when I first walked in but I knew in places like these that you couldn't show that you were afraid. Almost every table was full of muscular dudes. Seeing all of these guys gave me chills.

To my left was the bar and a single skinny man behind it. Everywhere else inside tables filled the space. There didn't seem to be any waiters so I would have to ask for the food myself. I looked around for any exits and it seemed that there was only the one I walked in through. So if I was noticed that would be my only way out.

I tried walking confidently to the bar but it just wasn't my thing. I called over the man and ordered a bowl of grub and a glass of milk. I handed the man my two coins and took my meal. I sat down in the far corner of the pub and ate my meal slowly. I knew that I had to keep moving if I had any chance of reaching the next town over by nightfall. I sighed and let myself relax for a few seconds before I went back to being on high alert.

I finished up my meal and stood up, walking to the counter to set my bowl and glass down. After thanking the man for the meal, I started walking out when I bumped into something. My hood fell backwards and my head was exposed. I quickly threw it back up and looked at what I had bumped into. I looked up and up and a little bit more up and I saw his face. One of those big burly dudes was staring right down at me.

I chuckled nervously before running out. Another guy who I presumed was his minion or something stood at the door. I ran straight towards him and slid underneath his legs. Some of the rocks on the road outside scraped my knees but I didn't have time to worry about that now. I stood up and started running. I heard big footsteps following me and I knew this wasn't going to be easy.

Behind me there was a loud and deep voice shouting. "DRAGON!" I assumed this was the man who I had originally bumped into. I tightened my hood even more and sped up my pace.

The horns were always what gave it away. Just one strong breeze or one bump and the hood falls off exposing them. Only the dragon race have these so it's fairly easy spotting one in public. However, my horns were different than other horns. My right horn was broken from an accident when I was younger. The horns of a dragon represent strength and missing a horn or a broken horn can either represent two things. One, you are a great warrior and have fought in many battles or two, you are weak and have no honor.

Dragons were being hunted and executed in hopes of stopping the war from spreading to the rest of the races. The war wasn't against the rest of the world. It was between the dragon nations themselves. And, in my opinion, hunting and executing dragons wasn't going to help stop the war. Instead, it'll probably just get the dragon nations upset and turn on the human race, who were the main attackers.

Though, if the dragons really tried, they could probably have the rest of the world on their knees. But I was a bit outdated so who knows, the nations could have teamed up and are already planning to take the rest of the planet for their own. I knew that the fire and earth dragon nations would at least be together on this plan. The water dragons would probably try and stop this though.

But then again, perhaps the rest of the world is done fearing those that are stronger than them. But if this war did escalate then many of the other races could be put in danger.

I took a quick glance behind me and noticed that the man was gone. I slowed down to a trot and took a big breath. "I hate running," I muttered under my breath.

I stopped for a second to catch my breath and check what time it was. I looked up at the sky to see the position of the sun. I squinted my eyes and calculated about what time it was. It still wasn't midday and I had a lot of ground to cover. I sighed once again and fingered my daggers. They were gifts from my father when I was younger and they're some of the only things that I have left from my home.

I took my hands away and slapped my face. I needed to get it together. I started walking when something whizzed past my face. I turned on my heels and looked at the attacker. It was one of the man's minions who had chased me earlier.

He shot again and I caught it right before it hit my face. I guess that's one perk of being a dragon, good reflexes. I threw it back at him but he pulled out an axe and directed it off course.

While I was distracted with him I didn't notice two other guys come up behind me and before I even realized it, I was stuck under a net.

I tried reaching towards my daggers but a shock went through my body. I screamed before everything went dark around me.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
590 Reviews


Points: 1234
Reviews: 590

Donate
Sun Jan 06, 2019 7:29 pm
Mageheart wrote a review...



Hey there, Penguino! As promised, here's my review. <3 Since you haven't gotten one of my YWS reviews before, I give you a quick rundown on how I do them. I start off the review with some comments on random lines, and then I give an overall summary of what I thought of your work.

Now that that's out of the way, let's get started!

Small Comments


A nice day in a nice town. What more could a refugee ask for? I walked along the shops my stomach grumbling for something to eat.


Nice hook! I love the repetition in the first sentence, and I love how the second starts giving us hints at the protagonist's secrets.

I tightened the hood around my head and walked inside.


This job does a great job at cluing the reader in to the protagonist trying to hide something. We don't know what that something is, but we can guess it has to do with their identity. Also, I'm a sucker for characters using hoods to hide their faces in fantasy stories.

I flinched when I first walked in but I knew in places like these that you couldn't show that you were afraid.


Ooh, so they're a character with street smarts! I like that. It's always fun seeing characters who already know how to navigate dangerous places at the beginning of their stories.

I looked around for any exits and it seemed that there was only the one I walked in through. So if I was noticed that would be my only way out.


Another nice little detail that reminds the reader of the protagonist's secret! I love how much thought you're putting into their thought process - it really does make them come off as a smart character.

Behind me there was a loud and deep voice shouting. "DRAGON!" I assumed this was the man who I had originally bumped into. I tightened my hood even more and sped up my pace.


When I was reading through this last night, this part was one of my favorites! I was left trying to figure out what exactly was underneath the hood, and the man's yell was a great way to change up the way things like that are usually revealed!

I took a quick glance behind me and noticed that the man was gone. I slowed down to a trot and took a big breath. "I hate running," I muttered under my breath.


Mood.

While I was distracted with him I didn't notice two other guys come up behind me and before I even realized it, I was stuck under a net.

I tried reaching towards my daggers but a shock went through my body. I screamed before everything went dark around me.


Oh no! I hope our protagonists manages to break free, or at least gets freed by some kind rescuer!

Overall Comments


Someone once said to me that they could see that my writing was heavily inspired by anime, and I feel like that applies with your novel - the style of storytelling really does resemble an opening episode to an anime! A mysterious protagonist, a dangerous bar, a chase scene and humanoid dragons~ Now I'm left wishing you can make this into an anime, because it would totally be killing it in the shonen genre. <3

Throughout the chapter, you did a great job with description. I could imagine everything that the protagonist was doing, from arriving to the tavern to rushing out of it and getting caught. Description is usually the first thing I critique - since I suck at it myself - but you nailed that! And the way you wrote it really gave the reader a good glimpse into the personality of your narrator and protagonist. Your writing style has a distinct voice to it, and it's a voice that I totally love. The explanation of the dragon war got me hooked, and I love the idea of people getting scared of what will happen if a battle really does break out between them - it's a motivation for hurting dragons/nonhuman creatures that I've never really seen before.

The only suggestion I really have for this chapter is to lean back a little on the amount of information you have your narrator convey to the reader - or at least switch around the order so the explanation about the dragon war doesn't come in the middle of the chase scene. But the explanation you gave was really interesting - like I said - and I'm very curious to see what will happen in the next chapter! <3




User avatar
494 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 494

Donate
Sun Jan 06, 2019 5:43 am
View Likes
Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey there! Care for a review?

So I thought this was a pretty interesting concept! I liked how you made us wonder at the beginning as to why she was being so secretive/why she was trying to keep herself hidden. It did really add to the whole mysteriousness of starting a new story!

A nice day in a nice town. What more could a refugee ask for?


I felt like this was kind of an abrupt way to start a novel. The beginning line also leaves much to be desired in that, it doesn't peak our interest really at all. The beginning of a novel, especially the very first sentence, should grab the reader's attention!- or at the very least, promise the reader that that will come shortly. My advice is to start off where there's something interesting happening. Something like bumping into the man, perhaps? I'm not sure exactly, beginnings can be very tricky - and annoying - to write. I usually have to do a lot of fumbling around, and sometimes the beginnings of my stuff STILL feel like they need help. :/

I handed the man my two coins and took my meal.


I noticed that we didn't get to know what the meal was! It may seem like a small thing that doesn't need to be mentioned, but you'd be surprised just how much including multiple different kinds of sensory experiences in your story, can make it feel more real and paint a clearer picture for the readers. So what did the food taste like? What did it smell like? What did it look like? What was it? All these things are good for us to know.

I ran straight towards him and slid underneath his legs


I kinda found this a bit of a dramatic get away at first? XP But once reading further and finding out that she(?) had horns and what it meant, I sorta understood. It just seemed dramatic before because it was like "are they REALLY going to recognize her? And wasn't it going to just bring a bunch of attention to her by dashing out of there so fast?". The whole 'sliding under his legs' thing still feels a bit over the top, but other than that I get it now. But, I guess just be aware that until we realize it's life threatening for people to know who she is, it comes off as sorta unnecessary? But that's just my opinion!

One, you are a great warrior and have fought in many battles or two, you are weak and have no honor.


Here I just wished there was a bit more elaboration. Why does it mean they're weak and have no honor? It's especially strange for it to mean such incredibly opposite things. It just seems odd to not tell us why it's considered weak- I feel like if it's important enough to mention, it's important enough to explain! :D

Another thing I noticed was I found myself wondering why the dragon races are at war, and what's the war about? I felt like for the amount it was talked about, there could have been some alluding to things like that? But I'm sure you'll give more information on it soon! I just thought maybe a bit of info would have been nice- but maybe that would have been too much too soon? I'm not sure.

In any case, I thought this was really cool and a great start to a novel! I loved the sort of kidnapping at the end- that's really going to make people want to read the next chapter to find out what happens! Keep it up!

-Holysocks




User avatar
456 Reviews


Points: 69427
Reviews: 456

Donate
Sun Jan 06, 2019 4:51 am
View Likes
EternalRain wrote a review...



Hey there! Welcome to YWS. I love your username and avatar. :D

What drew me to this was the fact that it is the first chapter in your novel! I've been looking for new novels to follow so this really piqued my interest. It would be cool, though, if you included the title of your novel along with the chapter number just to let people know what it's called (and maybe draw in more readers)!

Okay, so I really like the vibe of this world so far. Dragons? Yes please. And it seems like this character is a bit human, too (maybe half human half dragon, if that's possible? or perhaps the "dragons" are different than traditional).

I also like how we jump into the action right away - although, it does feel a little fast paced. I wish the character took a bit of time to describe the scenery (what's around him? where is he? things like that). This alone can slow down the pace. However, I do like the fast pace when it comes to the action scenes, like when he is escaping the pub.

Another thing I want to address is sentence structure. I think if the sentence structure was varied, it make the piece much more interesting to read. Right now, most of the sentences are the same: [noun] [verb] [noun]. In particular, many of the sentences start with "I". I think if they varied more in length, it would shake up the chapter (or, future chapters) a bit more and make it a bit more engaging! For example, this sentence really breaks it up:

While I was distracted with him I didn't notice two other guys come up behind me and before I even realized it, I was stuck under a net.


but these sentences read very similar:

I kept on walking until I reached a local pub. The sign was worn down and the words barely visible. It gave a nice rustic feel to it. I tightened the hood around my head and walked inside.


It just feels a bit choppy (maybe reading it aloud could help).

Anyway, it's not too big of a concern but I thought worth mentioning.

I think that's all I have to say! I'm quite interested in what will happen next - that cliffhanger ending! I hope this helps, and if you post future chapters please let me know! I'd love to read them.

~ EternalRain





uwu
— soundofmind