Yoko

This poem sounds like it could end up being an actual story other than a poem, that's just me though. Also, you could spread the poem out more by putting in a stanza or two. Another thing, you used two different tenses in this poem, you need to get the hang of sticking to present or past-tense. That's about all I have for you because this poem was beautifully written, and you are so very and extremely talented.
Toodles.

The imagery is AMAZING! There isn't really anything I can find to fix it at all. Bravo
I'm a big fan of last lines and I love yours it ties in the whole thing. The first line drew me in, and that was awesome. I also love "Maybe then I could disappear forever into the watery blue world." AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AMAZING! GAAAHD ok sorry I just realllyyyy really like it.



Keep writing darling!!!!

Oh wow you have an awesome talent, you know! Totally drew me in as I read it..

My favorite part is where you wrote, ''Maybe then I could disappear forever into the watery blue world.'' And how you described the sun as being ''bled'' across the ocean.

The way you wrote it flowed across the page and I could picture everything in my mind. The words you used were clear and descriptive too, which is nice-rather then just a big mess of fancy words that doesn't match the poem-..And it had a wonderful smooth ending!

Hope to see more poems and such by you because this one was such a pleasure to read..Thanks for posting it!!

...amazing

it's beautiful. i loved it so much.

The descriptions are so vivid, it actually sounds real. I like how you described the ocean as being innocent. The theme is so dark yet you make it seem peaceful and happy.

I would love to read more

You have a beautiful handle on description beautiful lovely setting, and readers can easily be pulled into your world. This was a nice piece, very well written with few grammatical mistakes.I absolutely LOVE the title! Your work is brilliant, your description, your setting, the visual imagery is outstanding! Makes me jealous xP I wish I could write like this.
Like Catnip said, the tenses were a bit all over the show. Choose whether you want past or present tense, then just stick to it throughout the whole thing I love how you've painted the scene in my mind, I know exactly what my surroundings look like. And I love that in writing! I almost feel as if I'm there, just beautifully put.
"Sometimes I hear her calling my name, asking me to join her with the waves.
Maybe then I could disappear forever into the watery blue world.
You can see her if you want, early in the morning, a young girl wading out to sea, she's the child of the ocean.
Right now there's no where I'd rather be, with Yoko and the sea."

This was one of my favourite parts. It was brilliantly done and at the very end it linked back to the title (which I love). Gold star! Can't wait to see more of your work

Hey there,
I just love this. Now I don't know much about poetry ( actually, I don't know anything about poetry), but I really like your descriptions: about the ocean and the sky and how the "girl" notices everything and discovers stuff. The " I " part, I felt, came quite late, and there wasn't much about the I " as there was about the " She".
Anyway, other than that I think its pretty good. Welcome to the site, Claire. I hope you'd love it here.

Hi, Aura ^-^
Firstly, you have a beautiful handle on description beautiful lovely setting, and readers can easily be pulled into your world. This was a nice piece, very well written with few grammatical mistakes. Nice work c:
Anyhoo, there were a few parts that confused me a bit, despite their their lovely phrasing.

". . . .which reminded her of how she loved falling during autumn." ??? I get the link between Autumn-time and "falling", but I didn't understand what she meant exactly....?

And this is probably me just being ignorance lol but the "new-born" sky? Implying that it's sunrise, right? Might want to elaborate on that a bit, but that's just me ^-^

Thirdly, some of the tenses were off. "She watched as the sun bled across the ocean. . ." and "The girl stared out into the sea in a trance, a daze of some sort,she was deeply lost in thought." ECT.
And then a few lines down we hear: "She can't get enough of it,the wind in her ears,the salty spray from the waves on her cheeks, and the feel of the sand between her toes."
Which narrative are you using?
--She was at the ocean. It was beautiful there.
---She is at the ocean. It is beautiful there.
See what I mean?
Anyhoo, might want to reword some of that. Sorry if I'm not explaining myself welll, I've forgotten what the "tenses" are called lol anyhoo, the title is, for me more than most, amazing! I lovvvved the title, it drew me in c: Your work is brilliant, your description, your setting, the visual imagery. . . . it's amazing c: I'll be looking out for your work for certain. Keep writing ^-^

Catnip~

Welcome Clair, I'm here to give you the best review I can.

"She watched as the sun bled across the ocean, painting it a vibrant tone of salmon-pink.
The sky had hues of yellow-orange which reminded her of how she loved falling during autumn.
The white clouds looked like soft, white feathers placed lazily across the new-born sky.
The girl stared out into the sea in a trance, a daze of some sort,she was deeply lost in thought.
She can't get enough of it,the wind in her ears,the salty spray from the waves on her cheeks, and the feel of the sand between her toes."

I love how you've painted the scene in my mind, I know exactly what my surroundings look like. And I love that in writing! I almost feel as if I'm there, just beautifully put.
Just maybe spacing, see you have, "She can't get enough of it,the wind in her ears,the salty spray from the waves on her cheeks," I just think maybe is you were to put spaces after each comma, that would be good! You only really did it in that first part, so I'm thinking, they were just miner things.

"Sometimes I hear her calling my name, asking me to join her with the waves.
Maybe then I could disappear forever into the watery blue world. "

I read this part over a few times and was like, Wow, I just love this!
All up, this is one of the most amazing pieces I have read so far on here, in all honesty. It was written just so beautifully. You have a great gift there, so keep it up!

~Winter