Intro :
“Think for yourself. Question authority. Through human history :
As our species has faced the frightening, terrorising fact that we do not know who we are or where we are going in this ocean of chaos.
It has been the authorities, the political, the religious, the educational authorities. Who attempted to comfort us by giving rules, order, regulations and informing. Forming in our minds their view of reality.
To think for yourself you must question authority, and learn how to put yourself in a state of open mindedness, confused, chaotic vulnerability to inform yourself.
Think for yourself. Question authority.” - Third Eye - TOOL.
Welcome to the never heard of, 30 minutes to the store, middle of nowhere town in america. Polebridge, Montana. Sounds depressing just hearing it doesn't it? Hey, my names Hyde Cerbereus. Now i'll give you a rundown on what life is like here. I live with my dad and 17 year old sister Lizzy. Mom died about 7 years ago of heart cancer when I was 9. I'm 16 now, a sophomore in Whitefish High School. We moved here about a month or 2 ago from Dante, Virginia. Another middle of nowhere place just at high elevation. There isn't much to do around here. There is a general store and gas station down the street probably about 2 or 3 miles. My friend Jason (JJ) Howard and I walked down there today and sat and jammed to music on the porch of the store. JJ is 15 and looks almost exactly like I do. About elbow length dark brown hair, tall, and scrawny, almost being able to see his entire skeletal system through his skin. Ripped blue jeans with black chucks and usually a metal band t shirt (today it was Metallica for me and Molly Hatchet for JJ). All that we do mostly other than school is hang out at the store, play music, and just hang around in his basement.
The main reason I'm even here is for my dad's job. He got transferred and drives 18 wheelers through the state hauling all sorts of stuff. He says he likes his job sorta, he hates being away a lot but he usually is gone about 3 out of 5 days of the week. People think it's terrible that he leaves Lizzy and I here alone for that long but we know how to get by. He’s just trying to make money so we can live with what we have. Lizzy is a cashier at the general store so she makes money to help us out too. I haven't really been looking for a job because JJ and I try and play/make music and play at the store corner and make usually about 10-15$ when we go down there. JJ plays guitar and I play bass and sing. We usually play in JJ’s basement ‘cause his uncle doesn’t mind. Sometimes we are able to hook up with Keenan, our drummer, and practice stuff.
I look at my life in several ways and I see that I am thankful for the way things are. My dad is the reason I am the person I am.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm, well this is an interesting start here. It certainly pulls you in quite neatly as a reader there with the questions being posed there. Those are certainly a bit out of the realm of the ordinary there and as a reader you find yourself not only thinking on said question but also about where such a question could possibly come from. Its a pretty good note to start on I think.
Okayy, well instantly we lose some of that mystery and intrigue that was built up there. This now seems to be headed in an entirely different direction and we've got ourselves a large chunk of just backstory and I don't quite know how to feel about that particular one there because now the pace just completely flies out the window and while the backstory being mentioned here is somewhat interesting, it just makes this piece a lot more dull to have a big chunk of explanation like this.
Well this ended up turning into a bit of a character profile or something along those lines there towards the end. I think perhaps you need to be a touch more careful about things on this one because it really does break the flow and make it a completely different situation, and a situation that I think could benefit quite a bit from having a bit less of an explanation here. There's a lot of things you don't really need to say this early into the story and can slowly reveal a little bit later on.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I like your story so far I and can see some potential in it. What you wrote is a good beginning but what would your plot/story line be?
Thanks. There is a lot more for me to write. I am still planning it out.
sweet. I'll want to read it
Hey there, Cl0wn6! I'm here for a short review. I really like your topic at the beginning of this, I agree with every word; that it's important to question authority, that there's more to life than we're led to belive, and that the third eye should be utilised. I also like the in-depth introduction to your characters, and the way you emphasis that Hyde is happy with his mundane, low-earning life. I think it ends abruptly, though. For a chapter, this is great, but for a short story, it needs something [i]more[i]. Make Hyde talk about using his third eye, or make Hyde experience some conflict with the government. Perhaps his dad could explain things to him before he leaves for work? It's an interesting story, on a great topic, but just needs that little bit of extra detail to hit it off.
Thank you so much. This story is nowhere near done so there is a lot for me to write up.
Question: Would you consider this a chapter of a book, or an actual short story? I feel as if there's more to this story, and thus it ought to be moved to the Novel/Chapter section. However, there's no clear indication of a Chapter 1 or a Part 1, so I ask.
For now, however, I'll judge this as an incomplete short story, or at least the introduction to a short story.
The Beginning
While I've definitely seen books start out with quotes that might relate to the book, usually they're short and concise, and they definitely do not make up half of the work. Granted, I'm sure this is just the beginning and the actual work will be longer, but no quote should be five paragraphs long.
Other than that, we have your opening lines, which highlight some of my problems with this work,
Let's get something straight: when you post a work, at the very least you should send it through a spellchecker (Grammarly is good for this, but that's just because I have it as an add-on). Even though YWS isn't a professional publishing company, sending an uneditted draft to an editor is stupid enough as it is, but I can guarantee you that if you start out forgetting to capitalize America and having funky sentence structures the editor will pass. I'm trying not to be cruel, but that's how it is--the beginning is the most important part of a story, and definitely the hardest to execute. Thus, you should probably start with making it look clean, and then we'll talk about if it had a suitable hook.
To dissect where you may have tripped, let's agree on this: the beginning should set the tone of the story, hook the reader and detail/foreshadow the main conflict. As an added bonus, if you can somehow hint or subvert your ending, that's also good. But you need to fill the basics first. There's a tone set in your beginning, yes, a certain laidback voice, but it's also structured in a confusing way. You use the commas as a pause, which is fair enough, but you want the reader to see the description of the town as one whole--the commas make it seem like you're splitting it into three. And your description of 30-Minutes-to-the-Store, while clever enough, is distracting; what store? A convenient store? A mall? How are you getting there by thirty minutes, by driving or cycling? It's the sort of description that warrants its own sentence, or otherwise be chucked out for the sake of clarity.
As for hooks, I will admit, it didn't do that for me. So what if it's set in a Middle-of-Nowhere Town? Lots of stories are. What's your point, Laidback Narrator? Give me something to work with here, I get that you're bored, but you don't have to make me bored too.
The main part that I'm emphasizing here, though, is the point about detailing the conflict. I can forgive the first sentence forgetting to do this, but I draw a line after the third paragraph of the first section. Where's the conflict here? Where's the story? You started out with a quote about questioning authority, raising expectations, and then you immediately follow it up with...God, I don't know. A boring rundown town? In-the-face exposition on the main character's life that probably needs to be more well-paced? That's all I've got. Even if you aren't immediately going to jump into the conflict, you should do us all a favor and at least introduce us to the main character in an interesting way.
Which brings us too--
Exposition Problems
Oh goodness, please don't.
It's an unspoken rule that long-winded explanations should be reserved for Wikipedia, and stay out of fiction. That's not to say this is a sure-fire rule. It's just a fair rule to follow when you're starting out, because even if you think your character's biography is interesting enough to sustain the readers' attention, chances are it probably isn't.
Listen here; if you want to drop hints of what happened in your characters' life before the story, do it in dialogue, and if you need to mention it in-story, make it related to something that's happening in the present. Even if you do feel like you need to explain your characters life in detail, at least do it in an emotional or intriguing way. Emotional: "I looked down at the cat rubbing against my leg, and he reminded me of my sister, needy and annoying." Intriguing: "My dad's gun collection is a walkthrough of my existence. His AK-47 is my birth, loud and exaggerated, whereas his revolver is my present, small but full of rage and power." You do neither in your work, instead expecting the reader to crawl through an explanation of your characters' life (a character the reader isn't even sure they like yet). It has its interesting points--the mother dying of cancer, the bandmate, the missing dad--but ultimately its drowned out by the unnecessary numbers of ages, where the main character goes to school, when they moved into town, and other seemingly unnecessary details.
"But they'll be important later on--"
Ap, ap, the reader doesn't care. This is fiction, not history class, we're not going to remember this for our test. If it's important, make it interesting. If it isn't, chuck it out.
The Voice
The voice is probably the most notable part of the story, since it's especially laidback and feels more real than the text. I can hear my brother saying it while he speaks, a hand tucked in his pocket, chewing bubblegum. I wish the text could support the voice, as overall it has a very cool feel to it, and shows more about the protagonist than what most first person POVs are capable of.
Final Thoughts?
I missed out on the premise and plot, as evidently the story hasn't revealed that just yet, and I wouldn't want to judge prematurely. However, as of now, your beginning isn't entirely impressive. That'll change after a couple of edits--that, I can guarantee. A bit of a readthrough and some tender love and care will fix anything, but as of now this needs all the work it can get.
Sincerely,
--Elliot.
Ha. Wow. Thanks for the ideas and help. I don't write a lot so Im not real keen on the subject but I enjoy it. There is a lot i still need to type. This was just a short chapter.
Hello,
I'm spectator and I'll be your tour guide this afternoon. Or maybe I'll review your short story or something.
The biggest thing that sticks out to me is the stark contrast between the "Intro" and Hyde's narration. I'm confused about what's happening in the intro and how it's relevant to the story. I appreciate that it sets an ominous tone for the story, while remaining satirical. However, I'd work on connecting it with the rest of the work and establishing a smoother transition between Intro and Hyde.
Next, let's discuss character. I understand the temptation to describe age/name/hair color when developing character, but this is often not relevant to the story, and doesn't reveal that much about the characters. Try to describe your characters in a unique way.
A couple exercises to try:
- write a page or two describing your character without mention hair color, eye color, weight, height, anything else you would typically describe
- describe a character through only scent and sound
- describe a character from multiple characters' perspectives
Doing this would be helpful to get to know your characters and could potentially be incorporated in your short story. If you want an example of one of these exercises feel free to pm me!
Overall, nice work! Keep it up!
~ summer
Thanks so much for the help and the tips. I normally don't write, but when I do I enjoy it. There is a lot more I am still going to type so this was just a rough draft pretty much.