Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
There goes Auntie Dunn,
Out on holiday.
Don’t think she’s comin’ back around,
She has her cigarettes and opium.
---
She’s higher than the sun,
Never, ever gonna fall.
No one’s gonna be around to
fuck up all her fun.
---
There goes Auntie Dunn,
Hopped up on opium.
Her world ain’t never gonna fall,
As the needle breaks through her skull.
---
Just smile at Auntie Dunn,
We might visit and have some fun.
Her world’s an everlasting vacation.
Don’t need her cigarettes and opium, no more.
---
There sits Auntie Dunn,
Staring out the porch window.
She ain’t never gonna run.
What she thinks, I’ll never know.
~Notes~
I don't know anything about poetry.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I don't know anything about poetry, either. But we learn as we go along, eh?
I'm sorry if my review sucks, but I want this out of the Green Room, so review I will xD
Okay, so I think this was overall good. I'll admit, I'm not so big on the repetition of "there goes Auntie Dunn" and "She has her cigarettes and opium." Honestly, it's a bit tedious. We got the idea the first and second time you said it. I feel like all of the other times, it's just a waste, and that you could use that line space for something more important. That's just my opinion, but I don't like it. So it's up to you to change it or leave it.
Besides that, this is pretty good. Not too shabby for a beginning poet! I found a rhyme here and there, but it wasn't following a distinct pattern (as far as I see) so thank god you didn't fret with that. Forced rhymes are always worse than no rhythms, honestly. xD
Overall, it was a nice poem! Nice imagery, good and clean flow, easy to read and comprehend. I enjoyed it.
Hi! I swear I'm not stalking your portfolio. I haven't done any reviews today and that little annoying thing on the home screen was suggesting I reviewed this, so... here I am. XD
I loved this. Seriously, I did. And I'm not particularly skilled in the world of poetry or lyrics, so if there were any faults, I certainly didn't find them.
Well, except for one little nitpick:
I'd suggest taking out the comma. It kind of breaks up the perfect flow you had going on up until then.
Otherwise, I saw nothing wrong with this.
Rhythm was really nice, all the words went together flawlessly. You really told a story in a short piece, and that's pretty impressive. What's even more impressive is that you don't know much about poetry and yet you still wrote this amazing work... it's kind of mind-blowingly awesome.
Oh God, I'm fangirling. *gags*
Sorry. I wish I had something better to say, but it's late and I'm tired. So, I'll end by telling you I loved this and I'm not even sure why. It was just weirdly, fascinating great.
Keep it up.
You actually... like it? That's a relief, I thought I was going to get kicked off this site for crimes against poetry. XD Thanks for the review!