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Message to a Person Who will Probably Never Read This

by Cinderquill


Hi! It’s nice to see you! How have you been? It was fun hanging out with you yesterday!

I wish I could say that and everything else that I’ve been wanting to tell you comfortably in person. But every time I try to tell you how I feel, the words get caught up in my throat, and I end up silencing myself in fear of your judgement. Even as I type this message, I know that you’ll probably never read this. I’m not even sure if you would care if you actually did receive this message. I’m questioning myself, asking myself why I’m even writing this then. But a voice whispers in my head to keep writing, to continue etching words with the small, dull pencil that I’ve used for 13 years.

Honestly, I didn’t think much of you much after I awkwardly tapped you on the shoulder for the first time in our physical education class last year and tried to initiate a conversation with you. You seemed like a normal person, a person who blended with everyone else. Nothing stood out to me at the time. It was nice to talk with you, but each conversation we had proceeding from the first one ended with an uncomfortable silence, as I failed to think of a topic that could continue the conversation. Even the conversations we had weren’t really conversations at all; it was just me asking questions about the classes you were attending at school and your life in general. There was really nothing to talk about, but I tried anyways. Afterwards, I just stopped talking to you completely because I felt like I had no legitimate reason to talk to you.

I didn’t even have a good reason for trying to talk to you. My original intention for even making my presence known to you was to find out more about your twin brother, who I felt some sort of infatuation for quite some time. Your brother...was interesting, at least until he became probably the most mentally draining person I have met. I probably shouldn’t have talked to him at all, but I thought I could at least talk to him because we both had the same interest in anime. But he didn’t want to talk to me or anyone in fact. Unfortunately, I was ignorant and persisted in trying to talk to him, trying to at least have a small chat with him. In return, he insulted me for a reason I still have trouble comprehending, attacking my self-esteem and my mental health. I’m sure he didn’t mean to; a lot of what he told me is true, and I also wasn’t very respectful of his boundaries. But I was slowly sinking back into the grasp of my negative thoughts that I had slowly and painstakingly dug out of. It wasn’t healthy, and after multiple attempts to actually connect with him, I realized I had wasted an entire year on a person who wasn’t going to reciprocate the feelings I had for him, so I stopped talking to him. Now, I can’t even glance at him without drowning in thoughts of guilt, and when he’s sitting next to you at lunch, I’m too afraid to talk to you because of him. I wish I hadn’t destroyed my relationship with your brother, but I do wish the best for him.

Truthfully speaking, I was afraid of you too during the time I was chasing after your brother. I initially judged you based on my interactions with your brother; I couldn’t help it, especially since both of you shared an identical appearance. But slowly I realized you were different. I wasn’t sure how different you were from your brother, but at least you were actually willing to talk to me. Slowly, I began to want to know more about you too. I never had the courage to do so, but every time I watched you in class, I would glance momentarily in your direction to catch a glimpse of you before returning to what I was supposed to be doing at that time.

Now, I can’t stop staring at you when I find the chance to, noticing different quirks that I’ve grown to love. The way your eyes light up, the way you smile at a simple joke. The way that you walk around school like nothing bothers you with small, light steps. I feel selfish just watching you from afar, but I can’t help but give in to my feelings. Instead of doing my homework, I’m doodling your face all over my sketchbook, trying to perfectly capture that brilliant smile of yours. My mind wanders off during school and outside of school because you fill up my thoughts. I have to restrain myself from suddenly running over and embracing you tightly every single moment that I spend with you. I want to laugh together, cry together, and just live a life together. It sounds really cliche and lame, but that’s how I feel.

But I’m too afraid to actually tell you this. You’ll probably reject me if I do. I don’t think you feel the same way as I do, but that’s ok. I’m fine with being friends. The only reason I’m saying this is that I’m very clingy, and it’s hard for me to cope with my feelings. I’m afraid that I’ll start disrespecting your boundaries, and I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes that I’ve done before. I don’t take “No” very seriously, and I think that’s somewhat of a problem. But if I do anything that supposedly bothers you, I seriously don’t have harmful or creepy intentions.

I’m staring at my computer screen, reading what I’ve typed up, wondering what you would think if you actually read this. Would you still be willing to hang out with me? Or would you drift away from me, just like everybody else that’s entered in my life?

If you somehow end up reading this, I’m not sure what I would do about that. I probably wouldn’t even be around to offer an explanation .

But even if you do, I’ll always be waiting for you, even if you decide not to be my friend anymore.

I’ll cherish the time that I have with you.

Until I have to say my last farewell.


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Sat Feb 03, 2018 6:49 pm
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ShadowVyper wrote a review...



Hey Cinderquill,

Shady here with a review for you!

I wish I could say that and everything else that I’ve been wanting to tell you comfortably in person. But every time I try to tell you how I feel, the words get caught up in my throat, and I end up silencing myself in fear of your judgement. Even as I type this message, I know that you’ll probably never read this. I’m not even sure if you would care if you actually did receive this message.


I really like the voice you have for the narrator. I think we can all relate to feeling a strong attraction to someone, only to have the self-doubt that squashes our desire to share with the person we like how we feel about them. It's very relate-able and very well done.

But a voice whispers in my head to keep writing, to continue etching words with the small, dull pencil that I’ve used for 13 years.


You've used the same pencil for 13 years???

I didn’t even have a good reason ... I do wish the best for him.


This paragraph is waaaaay too long. Paragraphs are a way of breaking up text to give your readers a mental break in between ideas. This paragraph is about 3 times as long as what I would normally consider a "long" paragraph and was difficult to read. I suggest you find a way to break it up into more manageable chunks.

~ ~ ~

Overall, I really liked this. It was very realistic and something I think just about everybody can relate to. Near the end it got a bit too sappy for my tastes, but I still enjoyed this. You have a talent with expressing your emotions in a clear way, so people know exactly what you are talking about. Good job!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




Cinderquill says...


I'll keep in mind about how to separate my paragraphs. Usually I group my paragraphs based on the topic of what the paragraph is about, which is probably why that paragraph is long in particular. But I'll shorten them when I write from now on.



ShadowVyper says...


:)



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Fri Feb 02, 2018 8:09 pm
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Radrook wrote a review...



Thanks for sharing this short story concerning a strong attraction felt towards another person who seems extremely aloof. I like how the story is described as a note to the person being spoken about although he or she might never read it. The speaker effectively conveys the desperate longing for acceptance that the speaker feels. It very convincingly describes the failed attempts made to establish a relationship as well as the ambiguous and hurt feelings that such rejections engender. The desired person doesn’t cooperate in furthering conversations despite the speakers frantic efforts to establish and keep one going. The speaker must walk away feeling rejected.

Then the speaker reveals that the desired person is an identical twin sibling of one whom she/he was once infatuated with as well and escribes how that also was a frustrating experience. Tells us that the two twins behave identically.

The story finishes by saying that although the person being spoken about is still strongly desired, no further direct efforts will be made. In short, the speaker has finally realized that despite the strong attraction-nothing will come of it.

Very interesting story that rang a bell on a personal level as I remembered my own attempts at catching the attention of women who were simply not interested. My efforts to rationalize the disinterest as merely not being a good conversationalist. The looks of disinterest as merely shyness or natural tendency towards silence. Sometimes it takes quite a long time for reality to set in and reveal the person as that person really is.

Looking forward to reading more of your compositions.


suggestion:
Please make the gender of these persons clear. As a reader I didn’t know whether to visualize males or females.

BTW
That blunt pencil lasted how long? That's one hell of a blunt pencil!





Someday, everything is going to go right for you, and it will be so wonderful you won't even know what to do.
— Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham, Questionable Content