Hi! It’s nice to see you! How have you been? It was fun hanging out with you yesterday!
I wish I could say that and everything else that I’ve been wanting to tell you comfortably in person. But every time I try to tell you how I feel, the words get caught up in my throat, and I end up silencing myself in fear of your judgement. Even as I type this message, I know that you’ll probably never read this. I’m not even sure if you would care if you actually did receive this message. I’m questioning myself, asking myself why I’m even writing this then. But a voice whispers in my head to keep writing, to continue etching words with the small, dull pencil that I’ve used for 13 years.
Honestly, I didn’t think much of you much after I awkwardly tapped you on the shoulder for the first time in our physical education class last year and tried to initiate a conversation with you. You seemed like a normal person, a person who blended with everyone else. Nothing stood out to me at the time. It was nice to talk with you, but each conversation we had proceeding from the first one ended with an uncomfortable silence, as I failed to think of a topic that could continue the conversation. Even the conversations we had weren’t really conversations at all; it was just me asking questions about the classes you were attending at school and your life in general. There was really nothing to talk about, but I tried anyways. Afterwards, I just stopped talking to you completely because I felt like I had no legitimate reason to talk to you.
I didn’t even have a good reason for trying to talk to you. My original intention for even making my presence known to you was to find out more about your twin brother, who I felt some sort of infatuation for quite some time. Your brother...was interesting, at least until he became probably the most mentally draining person I have met. I probably shouldn’t have talked to him at all, but I thought I could at least talk to him because we both had the same interest in anime. But he didn’t want to talk to me or anyone in fact. Unfortunately, I was ignorant and persisted in trying to talk to him, trying to at least have a small chat with him. In return, he insulted me for a reason I still have trouble comprehending, attacking my self-esteem and my mental health. I’m sure he didn’t mean to; a lot of what he told me is true, and I also wasn’t very respectful of his boundaries. But I was slowly sinking back into the grasp of my negative thoughts that I had slowly and painstakingly dug out of. It wasn’t healthy, and after multiple attempts to actually connect with him, I realized I had wasted an entire year on a person who wasn’t going to reciprocate the feelings I had for him, so I stopped talking to him. Now, I can’t even glance at him without drowning in thoughts of guilt, and when he’s sitting next to you at lunch, I’m too afraid to talk to you because of him. I wish I hadn’t destroyed my relationship with your brother, but I do wish the best for him.
Truthfully speaking, I was afraid of you too during the time I was chasing after your brother. I initially judged you based on my interactions with your brother; I couldn’t help it, especially since both of you shared an identical appearance. But slowly I realized you were different. I wasn’t sure how different you were from your brother, but at least you were actually willing to talk to me. Slowly, I began to want to know more about you too. I never had the courage to do so, but every time I watched you in class, I would glance momentarily in your direction to catch a glimpse of you before returning to what I was supposed to be doing at that time.
Now, I can’t stop staring at you when I find the chance to, noticing different quirks that I’ve grown to love. The way your eyes light up, the way you smile at a simple joke. The way that you walk around school like nothing bothers you with small, light steps. I feel selfish just watching you from afar, but I can’t help but give in to my feelings. Instead of doing my homework, I’m doodling your face all over my sketchbook, trying to perfectly capture that brilliant smile of yours. My mind wanders off during school and outside of school because you fill up my thoughts. I have to restrain myself from suddenly running over and embracing you tightly every single moment that I spend with you. I want to laugh together, cry together, and just live a life together. It sounds really cliche and lame, but that’s how I feel.
But I’m too afraid to actually tell you this. You’ll probably reject me if I do. I don’t think you feel the same way as I do, but that’s ok. I’m fine with being friends. The only reason I’m saying this is that I’m very clingy, and it’s hard for me to cope with my feelings. I’m afraid that I’ll start disrespecting your boundaries, and I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes that I’ve done before. I don’t take “No” very seriously, and I think that’s somewhat of a problem. But if I do anything that supposedly bothers you, I seriously don’t have harmful or creepy intentions.
I’m staring at my computer screen, reading what I’ve typed up, wondering what you would think if you actually read this. Would you still be willing to hang out with me? Or would you drift away from me, just like everybody else that’s entered in my life?
If you somehow end up reading this, I’m not sure what I would do about that. I probably wouldn’t even be around to offer an explanation .
But even if you do, I’ll always be waiting for you, even if you decide not to be my friend anymore.
I’ll cherish the time that I have with you.
Until I have to say my last farewell.