What were the odds that a guardian angel would look identical to the human they were supposed to protect?
It was a question that had recently kept pestering William, constantly entering his mind every time he silently watched Allen eat the cold turkey ham sandwich that Allen's mother had prepared for him. Or when Allen was reading the book he was assigned for his English class with an almost stressed expression on his face. It didn't matter what Allen was doing at that moment. William was by his side by every hour of each day, watching the sullen teenager repeat what William considered the same, tedious cycle that was his life.
Angels and humans coexisted in this world for years. For every new spark of human life, there was an angel to nurture that spark until the spark burst into the warm, lively flame it was meant to be. But the angel would never be alone in their task; the human they cared for would become the angel's life long companion. They were to be inseparable, sharing the same experiences and troubles. They would be able to rely on each other because of the bond that had slowly strengthened over the course of their time together.
At least that was what a relationship between a guardian angel and their human was supposed to be.
William glanced over at Allen, who was crumpling up a sheet of paper and ignoring the half-eaten turkey ham sandwich sitting on the table. He bent over Allen's shoulder to see what it was, but Allen turned his head and scowled at him.
"What do you want?" Allen asked, a obvious hint of irritation in his voice. He clenched the crumpled piece of paper and then walked away from William to the nearest trash can.
"I was just going to ask how you were doing," William replied as Allen tossed the crumpled ball of paper into the trash can. "What are you throwing away?"
"None of your business." Allen snapped as he walked away from the trash can and back to William. He began to murmur to himself, and William caught the words "you", "understand" and "angel". He couldn't help overhearing what Allen was saying. He couldn't really control the fact that he somehow was always just in earshot.
William wished Allen would open up to him for just a little bit. He wondered what it was like to see from Allen's perspective; he wanted to know and also experience Allen's thoughts and feelings. He knew that was impossible, but he couldn't help himself. He really wanted to be a comforting presence in Allen's life, not a distant supernatural being.
But lately, Allen had been less willing to hold a conversation with him or with anyone actually. Allen would arrive at school, go to class, and silently sit in his seat through the majority of class. He avoided everyone at lunch, and ignored everyone who tried to talk to him. William watched the exact same scene unfold before his eyes every day. At least Allen had used to talk to him during lunch, as they shared many of the same interests. But even those conversations stopped, only to replaced by an almost uncomfortable silence.
People and even other angels would ask William how he felt about protecting a human being who had an identical appearance to him. Before, William would tell them that it was just like a normal relationship between a guardian angel and a human. He would start to go on and on about events that had occurred during his time with Allen. Now, when people asked him about Allen, William would respond with, "We're fine." and then change the topic.
"William!" A stern voice interrupted his thoughts. William snapped back into reality, trying to find the source of the voice. Allen's face crowded his vision, and William jumped back, startled.
"I've been saying your name about 10 times by now!" Allen huffed, exasperated. "We seriously need to get to class!" He started to hurriedly walk away, but turned around, facing William.
"Are you...ok?" William could hear hesitation and surprisingly concern in Allen's voice. He couldn't remember the last time Allen asked that question or if he had even asked that before.
"I'm fine," William replied, letting out a deep sigh. "I've been a bit tired lately." His head was swirling with thoughts, but he pushed these thoughts to the side. "Let's go."
Together, the guardian angel and human walked side by side out of the cafeteria, each to their next destination.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
This is a very fascinating story based on the author’s concept of a guardian angel’s duties in relation to humans. The introduction seems to promise that the main issue would be that the human resembled the angel physically. But instead, the issue became the human’s annoyance at having the angel constantly at his side.
This seems to depress the angel and bother the child.
The uniqueness of this story is that the human is constantly aware of the angel who is visible. Other guardian angel stories usually have the angel invisible. One example of this is the film. City of Angels where angels hover over humans inspiring them and helping them out with daily tasks in positive ways.
As a reader, the angel came across as a victim of sorts. The storyteller describes him as being unable to leave the human’s side. This reflects a bit on the one who would assign him to such a task. Yet he is described as conversing with other angels. So that must have been a hyperbole. I liked the ending because it shows human compassion towards the angel’s plight. A very enjoyable read very nicely done.
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Numerical Discrepancy:
[....a guardian angel] would look identical to the human[they....]
But [the angel ]would never be alone in [their] task;
Redundancies
[....kept pestering ]William, [constantly entering....]
[by] his side [by] every hour
Hyphenation
life [-] long
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An vs A
a obvious [an obvious]
Hey Cinder. Finally here for the review you requested!
The concept you have going here is pretty original, I'll give you that. The idea has been toyed with before, I'm sure, but the relationship of William and Allen is definitely special. But the transitions were the main issue for me. They weren't the worst — but certainly considered overused, in my opinion. For example, the transition after William's thoughts:
This whole 'interrupting thoughts' idea has been used so many times that it's just hackneyed. I would suggest changing this transition to an alternative method, like one of these options:
1. William simply drifting out of his thoughts on his own. This could use up several sentences to slowly shift back to the present, but it's worth it to make the transition more natural.
2. Describe the present scene with the 5 senses description, and bring the story back to life. Don't tell the reader that William has gone straight back to present time thoughts, but shift towards that with descriptions until you think the reader might be able to infer that. Describing the present day scene would really help boost the imagery too.
The way you perceive guardian angels must be different from the way I've always thought them as? I typically think that an angel would be invisible to everyone, perhaps sometimes visible to the human they are protecting. But is there something special just about William and Allen, or is this the case with all guardian angels and humans. Obviously, they're not all identical (it's just them) but the whole visibility thing with guardian angels is a little confusing. Whether they are visible or not, I think you should make it more clear as to what they look like.
Adding on to that, some general description might good for this piece. When we're early into a novel, it's good to get a sense of the character's personalities, as well as their features and appearance. Keep in mind for your future to develop the characters (like, what makes them unique — besides the whole guardian angel protection concept).
As for the context of what actually happened in the chapter and its plot: nothing much happened at all. Now, I don't expect much to happen in a first chapter but to get to know the characters. But even still, I can't help but feel disconnected to this chapter? I'm not really hooked besides the interesting concept you have here. I wish you expanded on the characters a little more or left something to stir in my mind at the end in order for me to be anticipating this novel. Besides giving some backstory and information packed several paragraphs, nothing happened. And the information could actually use as a mini blurb for the story or slight prologue? The distribution was just slightly off in weighing information and plot development together, so I think this chapter was a little unorganized because of the unbalance.
I hope we have more interaction with the outside world, too. More people and guardian angels, in order to get a better sense of this world. That way, as a reader, I can also compare William + Allen to other guardian-human pairs, rather than you (the writer) tell me like I should trust you without witnessing it myself. Writing out experiences rather than telling them would enhance outside world interaction as well.
This romantic novel has lots of potential. Writing the first chapter can be tough, so it's hard for it to be perfect in one shot. I'd overall just say to add more context and transitions between awkward meeting paragraphs. Also, referring back to the part where William wonders what Allen's perspective is like — I wonder if we'll ever see his perspective in this novel? Will Allen get his own chapter anytime? Either way, their relationship seems very interesting, that part definitely did intrigue me.
Hopefully this review helped somewhat! I had fun reading it. Thank you for your time and requesting a review from me. <3
I had to stop reading after the third paragraph because I had no reason to keep reading. Paragraph two was fact after fact and it added nothing to the story but make it sound like your reading from a dictionary or nonfiction book. In sorry that this sounds so rude but what I can tell of it you had nothing to say so you just wrote some background info on the main subject of the book and then you jumped head first into the angel and Willam's forbidden love. Personally I think you should've taken it slower. But don't change the way you write because not everyone likes it.
This chapter struggles a lot with info-dump. In almost every situation, it is boring to read paragraphs of information, such as the one that started with, "Angels and humans coexisted in this world for years." I think you could definitely use this specific paragraph to explain the angels and humans, but not this early on, not in this first chapter. Dropping information like that is only interesting when the reader is already invested in the story. Otherwise it is boring.
The bits about William and Allen's relationship was also info-dump, though in a slightly different way. It was telling instead of showing, which was also something this chapter struggled with. You shouldn't have to tell your reader about the problematic relationship between William and Allen. Your reader should see it through the events and things that happen in the story. You shouldn't have to tell your reader their relationship wasn't normal compared to other angel-human relationships. You should show your reader the type of relationship that is normal, then on their own they will be able to realize William and Allen's relationship isn't normal. This will lead to a more interesting and engaging read.
I found Allen to be annoying and very immature. William actually seemed to care, though. I liked him much better.
"William!" should be by itself and I would entirely remove the sentence "A stern voice interrupted his thoughts". William snapping back to the reality already implies the sharpness in his voice, as does the exclamation point. The sentence unnecessarily slows down the reading.
"Are you...ok?" should be with the paragraph when Allen was talking.
The paragraphs where William could hear the hesitation and the one where he said "I'm fine" should be a single paragraph. Also, I would suggest not using "William could hear". The story is told from the perspective of William, of course he's the one who hears it. Your reader doesn't need to be told that. Saying "There was hesitation and surprisingly concern in Allen's voice" is much more interesting and draws the reader in as if they were the ones experiencing it. This would also apply to other things such as "William saw" "William felt" and "William smelled". It is more personal for the reader to just state things as they are without a character attachment such as those.
ah i see! Thanks for the criticism!
Note from author: The summary in the description is for the entire story that I'm planning to write and not just this specific chapter.