Published October 4, 2005
"Indiscretion"
I’ve come to accept the way
the sparkle of the ring on my finger
catches your eye.
The way it turns about as your kiss
hovers just above my lips;
as your scent douses my shoulders
like a mantle of celebratory fire.
The way its jewel is hidden by
the coy remark unsaid on the curve of your hips,
by the curl of my hair and another hour alone
before the back door slams fleet
moments before the front door opens.
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"Celebratory fire" is forced... and I am aware that the last two lines are weak. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.
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Thank you, Brad, for a good and honest critique. I really appreciate it.
Correct. A woman and her lover - with her husband returning home.
It's curve of the hips - it's more sensual.
I'll work on the revamp, making it clearer, etc. and post it when finished.
My best guess is that this is a poem about an illicit liaison, that that's why one of the lovers has so much attention on the ring, which is presumably a token of a relationship with the person who's coming in the front door at the end.
Do you mean "curve of your hips," or is that a typo for "curve of your lips"?
By "slams fleet," you probably mean something like "slams quickly." The line is a bit awkward, gives the impression that you've plucked a word for "fast" from the thesaurus without an awareness that not just any synonym will do. I'd say "slams" doesn't need the adverb; I don't think it's possible to slam slowly.
Lines 6 & 7 stand out. You show some real skill with language there. The rest of the piece is rather ho-hum. I took the slamming of the doors to be about your parents or roommates or some other unwelcome intruders coming in while your lover was going out, but whatever it means, the narrator needs to make it clearer.
I'd say this is an initial draft -- albeit, a good one -- but it feels like you wrote it for your lover, not me, or anyone. On this draft--give it to your lover and make another for public consumption. Or, do some serious rewriting on this.
Cheers,
Brad
Thanks for reading, Koi. I really appreciate the help. But what to do about that one phrase...
Does this work better? Anyway... here's the revamp:
"Indiscretion"
I’ve come to accept the way
the sparkle of the ring
on my finger catches your eye.
The way the band turns about as your kiss
hovers just above my lips;
as your scent douses my shoulders
like a wave of fire.
The way its jewel is hidden by
the coy remark unsaid on the curve of your hips,
by the curl of my hair and another hour alone
before the back door slams fleet
moments before the front door opens
Hoookay, well first off, you certainly haven't lost your touch. Good, juicy stuff here.
Nitpickyness:
I’ve come to accept the way
the sparkle of the ring on my finger
catches your eye................................> Little choppy. The line break feels really unnatural here.
The way it turns about as your kiss....> it? The ring or the eye?
hovers just above my lips;
as your scent douses my shoulders
like a mantle of celebratory fire..................> ICK. I know you know this is forced, but ICK.
The way its jewel is hidden by
the coy remark unsaid on the curve of your hips,..> I really like this image. Yay you! Could use a line break, however.
by the curl of my hair and another hour alone
before the back door slams fleet
moments before the front door opens.............> I really do like these last two lines. They give an interesting finality to the piece.