Warning: This work has been rated 18+.
miraculously unspoken the lullabies carried,
(un)conscious being and the mental shit varied;
she rose from the dead, tha homies up tokin’
ashes crossfaded- invent a high that we can soak in
don’t mind the tweety birds, they’re all in my head
Wishing every day that them bitches was fuckin dead
“just numb the pain again, you’ll feel better in the mornin”
that’s what they tell you.. then the rain starts pouring
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
EverLight here with a review. This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your novel or poem seem bad, but be warned- you may feel offended anyway
First Impression
Okay...this wasn't bad. But it wasn't what I had hoped for.
Nitpicks & Grammar
No issues here-(the swear words though are a bit un-grammerical but I understand rap uses such vile words, so I'm not complaining.)
Style & Flow
Just one thing-Watch your caps
Overall you did a neat job. With a little cleaning though it could be better.
EverLight Out
This seems like part of a rap, which would be classified as poetry. Congratulations on successfully making me afraid of you! (I'm just kidding). however, I like your use of parenthesis it allows us to look at it from two different perspectives. The italicized thoughts also let us look inside the narrators mind even if it is only for a second and they are mostly grim, we understand why because of the people talking to him, and the things going on around him.
Overall this is a really good poem, the only obvious error is being the "you.." and it would be "you. . ."
other than that it sounds very musical and I like it a lot. Keep writing!