The Golden Boy

by Ciaro

Published August 13, 2016

12+

In Stories of Stuff

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The smell of my mother brewing coffee crept into my room, crawling to my nose and woke me up. The clattering of cucharas and trastes were enough to tell me that I couldn’t take five more minutes, after all, today was the first day of the second semester at school; and for mother this meant chaos, I don’t know why though. When I got up from bed I took a quick shower and grabbed my school uniform which hung from a window – freshly ironed.

In the kitchen, mother swayed back and forth preparing breakfast. Her long black curls fell carelessly on her whole back, and moved with her like she was dancing salsa. She set the table immediately after she saw me: two plates of scrambled eggs with veggies. The breakfast that was supposed to give me energy for the whole semester since I only ate scrambled eggs on the first days; and mine had more than hers. We sat on both ends of the small table and she didn’t take her green expectant eyes off of me until I began eating. And, in this picture, like always, dad had already left to work in the fishing docks - the Montealtos’ docks.

The Montealtos are one of, if not, the wealthiest families in all of Old San Juan. They own the busiest fishing docks in the capital ever since the business rose. They have known an enriching life since they settled here in Old San Juan. My mother tells me they were here before she was even born, that they were a few of the lucky ones who turned cents to thousands, and thousands to millions throughout the years. They’ve climbed the ladder to success in the eyes of my parents and all the folks who live day by day; and now, the magnificent castle-like hotel El Convento, is their humble abode since 1962.

Walking on cobbled streets on my way to school, the sun rose hot over timeless San Juan at 6:35am, and I made my usual stop in front of El Convento to wait for the trolley. There, under the shade of a tree, I waited patiently for the ride, but my heart began to skip beats while I expected her to come out of the huge wooden entrance doors of the hotel – Clara Montealto. I hadn’t seen her in a month since winter break began. It’s not like we spend any time together at all, but seeing her counts for something inside me.

Clara makes me feel hope. She’s the type of person that sees beyond what’s in front of her. She can talk to anyone, and everybody knows who she is - though she makes a great effort to be known by her art rather than her last name. Clara dances, and to be honest, she can do it to anything. Her specialty are traditional dances, because she loves the drums, and the thump, thump, thumps. And she loves Puerto Rico with intensity.

The first time I saw her she was dancing bomba in the center of the school. This was at the Open House before my first year. She had all white robes and laces around her. With all of her rhythmic movements she fluttered gracefully in white; and of course everyone adored her. I adored her. Even if we didn’t know each other, she wasn’t a stranger to my head, my eyes nor my body. All we had to do was exchange words someday, and maybe then I wouldn’t be a stranger to her.

The trolley arrived and for a moment my hopes of seeing her fade. But in the blink of an eye, the doors of El Convento jerked open and some bellboy ran to the trolley yelling.

“Stop!”

Behind him was the one and only Clara Montealto – the golden girl of all San Juan. I had never seen her take the trolley before. To my surprise, while she looked for a place to sit, I caught her eyes and she sat next to me; the trolley carried on its natural route from there. I couldn’t stop staring at her: her long legs, her eager look, the smell she emanated...

“Umm...hello?” She said, her honeyed eyes stunned me on the spot.

“You’re going to Jose Julian, too?”

I saw her staring at my portfolio, “I am, yeah.”

Prepa?” She smirked.

“What?! No. I’m a junior, actually.” I said sort of embarrassed. She probably had never seen me.

“Oooh!” Her cheeks hid a hint of redness.

“Sorry ‘bout that. I’m Clara – senior.” She held her hand out.

“I’m Kai Bazán” I said, shaking her hand and wondering the how and the why is this happening.

We both smiled and talked the rest of the seemingly endless way. For some divine reason, my senses were on the edge: I could hear the shore bordering the entire capital. I could hear the doves in the plazas and the piragüero setting up his shop. I could smell the caffeine in the breaths of every soul and in the air. I could hear the cop-cop on the streets of the artisans making their way to el paseo; Old San Juan came alive before my eyes. The rest of the day in school was monotonous except for finite glimpses of Clara. I saw her everywhere and, for the first time ever, she saw me. At the end of the day, she spoke to me about the hotel’s 50th anniversary and how they’re throwing a party and everyone’s welcomed for one night.

“Why did you take the trolley today?” I asked her on the front entrance of the hotel, “I mean, I’d never seen you take it before.”

“That’s a good question,” she said, “because I really don’t know. I just felt like starting new this year, you know?”

“I guess.”

“I hope you come, Kai” she said and disappeared behind the enormous wooden doors.

The night of the celebration came two weeks later. My mother took on the task of inviting every vecina she could think of. We all entered the castle-like venue together and were mesmerized by the glistening chandeliers that received us. Without thinking too hard I could notice those who were staying for the one night and those who seemed to live here, so I stared at my mother and told her she looked beautiful.

“This is Mister Ríos, Kai. He’s my confidante.” Clara presented me to the bellboy of the first day. He winked at her and opened an exit door behind him,

“Have fun Clarita” he said. She dragged me into a starry night in Old San Juan.

First we made our way through Calle del Cristo and Calle San Francisco to Plaza de Armas. There, musicians were playing salsa and I couldn’t control myself when the rhythms took over me. I embraced Clara and led her to the sounds of the timbales and congas. Her smile shone like the stars that adorned our sky, and her eyes reflected the silver moon that hung from above us. Everybody around us joined in clapping and dancing. The space was filled with laughter because some ladies were challenging the older men to dance, so some sort of competition began. Clara and I stepped outside of the circle and watched the spectacle. The older women moved with grace and experience. The men responded respectfully and gallantly.

After that, we went through Calle de la Cruz and made a stop in Butterfly People. It’s a store of boxes. But boxes adorned with real butterflies! Clara wanted to show me her favorite butterflies in the collection which were every blue butterfly in display.

“My dad hangs a new box every year for my birthday.” She said while studying a brochure titled ‘Make your own designs!’

“Some are even around the hotel.”

This made me picture Clara rushing through the yellow hallways of El Convento with her arms wide open, and every blue butterfly coming alive when she passed them.

“I’d like to see that.” I told her and reached for her left hand.

Outside, muffled police sirens were heard in the distance, but it wasn’t something new. The grip was sweaty but neither of us cared. Then, we kept on the same street to reach El Paseo de la Princesa. Clara spoke friendly to the maví seller and he gave us freebies; we sat in Sanguino’s bronze masterpiece Raíces and drank the yellowish drink.

“This maví just keeps getting better and better.” I said when I finished mine.

Clara sat silently staring at the statue in the center of the fountain. A naked woman with her arms and eyes to the sky, said to mean liberty.

“Are you alright?” I asked her.

“Yes,” she said quickly, “I was just wondering something Kai. Do you remember when I told you about starting new this year?”

I nodded. She turned her gaze directly at me.

“Well, I want you to be a part of it, Kai.” She drank the last sip of her maví, stepped up and grabbed my hand.

We got back to the hotel through La Puerta de San Juan, and to our surprise El Convento was completely deserted.

“This is odd.” Clara said.

We searched every corner of the hotel and nothing. Clara didn’t mind, so I didn’t either; and we went to the rooftop of the hotel were the pool was. At first neither wanted to go in, but then I took my shoes off and saw that she did too; I took my shirt off and she unbuttoned her dress; lastly, I took my pants off and her golden dress fell gloriously on the floor. We jumped.

It was ecstatic, the whole scene. The lights in the pool softened my vision. The only amount of details I could see underwater were hazy white silhouettes of Clara’s body. She swam swiftly around me, twisting and turning, as if she were dissolving in the water. In a few seconds I lost her. Then I felt her behind me and she put her hands over my eyes. She removed her hands but I kept my eyes closed for a bit expecting something else to happen. Nothing did. When I opened my eyes, the surface reflected the glows of red and blue lights, and Clara wasn’t in the water.

The sirens broke the enchanted night. I was pinned face-front on the floor with my arms cuffed behind my back; I couldn’t move; I couldn’t see; I couldn’t do anything.

“Stop! What are you doing to him? Leave him alone! He didn’t do anything wrong.” Clara yelled.

I could hear them, my parents and the Montealtos arguing. Their mouths degrading each other, marking the division only money can make...

“Mom, Dad, what’s going on?!” I tried to yell.

“Kai!” Mother yelled.

“Your delinquent son kidnapped our daughter, Mr. and Ms. Bazán. Somebody has to do something about it, the law is the law...” A dazing voice, a woman’s, spoke.

“My Kai...He hasn’t done a thing! He doesn’t deserve to go to...to a prison. He’s so young.” Mom sobbed.

“You don’t have the authority to do such thing!” Dad exclaimed in a grave voice.

“Who said anything about prison? I heard something about a detention center in Ponce... ” The woman again.

I was shoved inside the back of a police car. All I saw was blue and red in a haze. And Clara’s and Mom’s voice echoed in my ears like a whisper. I rose into a sitting position and looked outside the crystal, mom had her hand pressed there. Everything was happening too fast for me to take it all in. I pressed my forehead to the crystal and her hand and began to scream. The driver started the car. With every passing second we were farther apart, and my heart felt torn and my eyes sore. In the last corner, right when my hopes of seeing Clara Montealto were fading with the night, and my heart began to slow down by the thought of never seeing her again, I saw her running towards me, mouthing my name, merging with the stars.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Mea
Review
Mea wrote a review Review · Sep 7, 2016

Hey there! I'm here for a quick review.

Overall, this isn't too bad. It's definitely an interesting start to the story, and I really like how you make the setting come alive.

I think my biggest critique is that you aren't giving us enough time before he gets arrested. I know the general advice to start as close to the inciting incident as possible, but here I think the story would really benefit from stepping back and being allowed to breathe before getting into them spending the night together and him getting arrested. Right now, I don't have any sense of their friendship/love. I'm assuming a significant portion of the story is going to be centered around him trying to get out of jail and get back together with her, and in order to make the readers care about that, you need to make them care about his relationship with her. Right now, we don't, really. It's a start - the seeds have been planted, but you tear them apart too soon, before we are rooting for them to stay together.

I also noticed that a lot of your paragraphs are long enough that, although the setting description is pretty nice and clear, it makes it feel visually crowded, especially when you have description and actions in the same paragraph. Try to split them up, and remember that you always, always have dialogue on its own individual line instead of in the middle of a paragraph.

I liked the ending paragraph. The short, kind of non-emotional sentences drive home the numbness he feels.

And that's all I've got for you! Good luck, and keep writing!

Ciaro replied · Sep 17, 2016

Thank you so much :)

Mea replied · Sep 17, 2016

You're very welcome!

User avatar
Laurenh6
Review
Laurenh6 wrote a review Review · Aug 14, 2016

Hey there! Thought I'd review this.. Looked interesting so I'm going to list my observations as I read along. It's just my personal opinion so I hope you don't take offence and I hope I can help improve your writing :D :) .

1) The first sentence - I like the concept but it all needs a little rewording to make it a less awkward read :) . Here's what I'd do :D

So here's the first sentence

"The smell of my mother brewing coffee crept into my room to my nose and woke me up"

and I'd change it to ...

"The smell of my mother brewing coffee crept into my room, crawling into my nose to wake me up"


2) next critique... You change from mother para 1 to mom para 2 -why? Be consistent and stick to one or the other !

3) Why is salsa in italics para 2? Why does it need to be?


4) Your sentence structure I've noticed, is always rather long .. Look

"She set the table immediately after she saw me: two plates of scrambled eggs with veggies, the breakfast that was supposed to give me energy for the whole semester since I only ate scrambled eggs on the first days; and mine had more than hers. "

That's so long - you always use loads of colons and commas - you need to vary sentence structure.. Personally, I'd alter it to ...

"She set the table immediately after she saw me: two plates of scrambled eggs with veggies. The breakfast that was supposed to give me energy for the whole semester since I only ate scrambled eggs on the first days; and mine had more than hers. "

5) I must say though, I like how you record your thoughts in the story. You've got a good way of communicating what you mean and giving a good understanding of how the character thinks . So, well done!


6) Next critique .. You say

"hadn't seen her in a month since winter break began."

And then start the next paragraph with ..

"The trolley arrived and for a moment my hopes of seeing her fade like the winter break."

The repetition of "winter break" I feel is kinda repetitive in a bad way. I feel you should alter that a little :P


7) Again I feel like your structure is off ..

"The trolley arrived and for a moment my hopes of seeing her fade like the winter break. But in the blink of an eye, the doors of El Convento jerked open and some bellboy ran to the trolley yelling stop!, and behind him was the one and only Clara Montealto – the golden girl of all San Juan. I had never seen her take the trolley before and to my surprise, while she looked for a place to sit, I caught her eyes and she sat next to me; the trolley carried on its natural route from there. I couldn’t stop staring at her: her long legs, her eager look, the smell she emanated... “Umm...hello?” She said, her honeyed eyes stunned me on the spot. “You’re going to Jose Julian, too?” I saw her staring at my portfolio, “I am, yeah.” “Prepa?” She smirked."


Right that's full of long awkwardly wordy sentences there is too much to take in. This is what I'd do..

"The trolley arrived and for a moment my hopes of seeing her fade like the winter break. But in the blink of an eye, the doors of El Convento jerked open and some bellboy ran to the trolley yelling.

"Stop!"

Behind him was the one and only Clara Montealto – the golden girl of all San Juan. I had never seen her take the trolley before. To surprise, while she looked for a place to sit, I caught her eyes and she sat next to me; the trolley carried on its natural route from there. I couldn’t stop staring at her: her long legs, her eager look, the smell she emanated...

“Umm...hello?” She said, her honeyed eyes stunned me on the spot. “You’re going to Jose Julian, too?”

I saw her staring at my portfolio, “I am, yeah.”

“Prepa?” She smirked."


8) You should always put speech on a new line!!!!!!!


9) You say you like this girl because of her looks. Talk about her legs and smell etc.. But I feel like I'm lacking a connection with this character . Why is she so special? Yes, she's pretty but it's not all about looks right xD.. I feel she needs her personality more definite , or at least a little more description on her looks to make us understand why she's so wonderful.

10) "Her smile shone like the stars that adorned our sky, and her eyes reflected the silver moon that hung from above us." - that's sweet :P :)

11) "First we made our way through Calle del Cristo and Calle San Francisco to Plaza de Armas. There, musicians were playing salsa and I couldn’t control myself when the rhythms took over me; I embraced Clara and led her to the sounds of the timbales and congas. Her smile shone like the stars that adorned our sky, and her eyes reflected the silver moon that hung from above us. After that, we went through Calle de la Cruz and made a stop in Butterfly People; Clara wanted to show me her favorite butterflies in the collection which were every blue butterfly in display. Outside, muffled police sirens were heard in the distance, but it wasn’t something new. Then, we kept on the same street to reach El Paseo de la Princesa. Clara spoke friendly to the maví seller and he gave us freebies; we sat in Sanguino’s bronze masterpiece and drank the yellowish drink. When we finished, we got back to the hotel through La Puerta de San Juan, and to our surprise El Convento was completely deserted. “This is odd.” Clara said. We searched every corner of the hotel and nothing. Clara didn’t mind, so I didn’t either; and we went to the rooftop of the hotel were the pool was. At first neither wanted to go in, but then I took my shoes off and saw that she did too; I took my shirt off and she unbuttoned her dress; lastly, I took my pants off and her golden dress fell gloriously on the floor. We jumped."

You give a brief description of the events - like listing . I feel like this is supposed to be a special moment but the lack of detail sorta doesn't give it justice . The plot of events sounds quite cool and awesome , but the way they're written.. It's sorta like they're brushed over ... If it was thaaaat special I feel more detail is required to emphasise it - each event elaborated and described. With the excitement they felt , the things they did, and setting description etc.


12) "The sirens broke the enchanted night. I was pinned face-front on the floor with my arms cuffed behind my back; I couldn’t move; I couldn’t see; I couldn’t do anything. “Stop! What are you doing to him? Leave him alone! He didn’t do anything wrong.” Clara yelled. I could hear them, my parents and the Montealtos arguing. Their mouths degrading each other, marking the division only money can make..."


WHAT? We were just in a happy place and then this - it's a big jump. Much too big if you ask me. You need a build up to this climax you can't expect a reader to just jump from one opposite to the next. :P I mean, don't get me wrong the ending - the surprise and cliff hanger is amazing! The plot is amazing! It's just you really need to change a few things to make a reader connect to it :P .


Overall it was interesting to read - I found it intriguing - so please notify me when you have more! I just feel like a few improvements are needed - and I hope I could help you with that :)



Lauren

Ciaro replied · Aug 15, 2016

Thank you so much! I never had someone review something of mine, I appreaciate all of your comments. I'll make sure I fix it!

No worries :D



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