Running. Fleeing. The screams of my people fading behind us. Soon, all I hear is the pounding of our horse's hooves on the forest floor.
"We must stop or we'll kill the horses." Blaze, the head of my protection detail, says as we come upon a clearing with a stream running through it. "Please, my Lady. The Grenlu will be too busy ransacking the villages. We can afford a short respite before the border." I reign Flame in, despite my desire to push on, I cannot dispute the truth of Blaze's words. The others pull up close to me, effectively protecting me from all sides.
"Very well, we can rest here for the night." I respond. "The sun is setting and we cannot light our way without revealing our location."
"Ash, you and Coal scout around. Make sure we are alone out here."
Yes, sir." Ash is the youngest of of my guard; only on his 17th summer. As his name implies, he is pale with ice blue eyes and light blond hair. Coal is the opposite, he is second only in experience behind Blaze. His dark features are much like most of my people; black hair, dark brown eyes, and brown skin.
As they depart, Blaze instructs the others to set up camp and me to rest. So, I sit under a great pine and try to close my eyes for a little while. But my mind will not give me peace. I think back to this morning, when this nightmare began.
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I had risen early, as I tend to do when I am restless. I was in the meadow, meditating with Blaze and his men standing guard, when the screams started. We had jumped at the sound, with Blaze being the first to shake off the shock. As the screams continued his dark blue eyes locked with my light brown ones.
"We must help..."
"Keep her safe..." We had started speaking at the same time, with each of our intentions made clear with the three words that had escaped our lips. And so the battle of wills ensued.
"My Lady, you must remain here until the danger is past."
"No. I must go down and protect my people." I had started mounting Flame when Blaze grabbed my arm.
"You know I cannot let you join the fight. What if something happened to you?"
"I cannot stay up here while my people suffer. I have you and the other guards to protect me and I have my own skills to protect myself and others with." Our argument was interrupted when Ash called out.
"There is an army entering the valley! It's the Grenlu!" Blaze and I rushed to the edge where Ash and the others were standing. When the valley came into view I saw that Ash was right. The pennants carried by the flag-bearers held the red boar over crossed arrows; the unmistakable crest of the Grenlu tribe, leader of the Five Tribes of the North.
"Oh no." I gasped as I watched the raiders the Grenlu sent ahead drug women and children from their homes. Many bodies already littered the streets. The bodies of my people. Lives taken while they defended their homes, their lives.
"My Lady, we must go. If the Grenlu find you, they will do everything they can to destroy you."
"But my parents. My people. I cannot leave them. I am meant to protect them. I cannot run."
"You have no choice. It's likely that your parents have already been captured and many of the citizens' lives will be spared. If we don't leave mow, they will find you, then all hope will be lost." I knew Blaze was right, but that did not lessen the pain as I turned away from my people and fled through the woods, my guards always remaining close.
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Knowing that we cannot light a fire, I give my guards comfort by warming their blankets and enchanting them to stay warm through the night. The exercise has left me weary, something that I welcome at the moment.
"Please try to rest, my Lady. There will always be one of us awake, keeping watch. You need not worry of an attack tonight." I nod, already laying down on the bed roll laid out for me. As long as Blaze and the others are near I know I will be safe.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
I see you have plenty reviews already, but I still wanted to say my opinion about this work of yours. i am kind of confused what is Grenly, but maybe I need to go deeper in this story to understand it at leats a tiny bit more. I hope you explain it later on, maybe in the following parts. I hope you do not mind me, reading and telling my opinion, together with what I could correct in this short part.
"Yes, sir." Ash is the youngest of of my guard; only on his 17th summer. As his name implies, he is pale with ice blue eyes and light blond hair. Coal is the opposite, he is second only in experience behind Blaze. His dark features are much like most of my people; black hair, dark brown eyes, and brown skin.
I like the fact, that you start to tell us about the surrounding characters, but do not forgetthe main character, also, on the way. This part 'only on his 17th summer' is something I can not understand. Maybe '17th' time?
As they depart, Blaze instructs the others to set up camp and says to/tells me to rest. So, I sit under a great pine and try to close my eyes for a little while. But my mind will not give me peace. I think back to this morning, when this nightmare began.
{The whole present tense thing is actually ruining it for me. You can use past tense, I think it is better. I know you talk about what is happening, but it had already happened, and ended. Their hair colour will not change the next minute, blonde is always blonde, so it always was blonde. This is just an option. It is hard for me to edit it. If you want this whole thing edited, contact me. The last line is mixture of two tenses, which is no good.}
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I had risen early, as I tend to do when I am restless. I was in the meadow, meditating with Blaze and his men standing guard, when the screams started. We had jumped at the sound, with Blaze being the first to shake off the shock. As the screams continued, his dark blue eyes locked with my light brown ones.
{I think your whole story needs to be like this, from the very beginning. You start perfectly here.}
"I cannot stay up here while my people suffer. I have you and the other guards to protect me, and I have my own skills to protect myself and others with." Our argument was interrupted when Ash called out.
"There is an army entering the valley! It's the Grenlu!" Blaze and I rushed to the edge where Ash and the others were standing. When the valley came into view, I saw that Ash was right. The pennants carried by the flag-bearers held the red boar over crossed arrows; the unmistakable crest of the Grenlu tribe, leader of the Five Tribes of the North.
{ohh so Grenly is a tribe!}
"But my parents. My people. I cannot leave them. I am meant to protect them. I cannot run away."
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"Please try to rest, my Lady. There will always be one of us awake, keeping watch. You do not need to worry about any attacks tonight." I nod, already laying down on the bed roll laid out for me. As long as Blaze and the others are near, I know I will be safe.
Overall, very good job, and I am really curious for what may happen next.
I really like the story, so I hope you keep on posting the following parts. The story caught my attention, honestly, even if many are still confusing, but you have long way to go with this story, anyways.
Keep on writing.
Hi!
This was a very interesting chapter but first of all, what is a Grenlu? It's very intriguing but I would either specify it now-when you first mention it, or in the next chapter or two.
At the part where this main character ghasps because the women and children are being killed I was wondering: why just women and children? This caught my eye and I'm not sure if your planning for it to be part of the plot or if it was just a mistake but if so, I would fix that.
There where some punctuation errors and I saw a spelling error.
17th needs to be seventeenth.
I would also add in more description to this character's surroundings. Also, more thought as to why she wants to save her people and risk her life for them. What are her motives. Things like that. I think maybe more of her history should be involved in her thoughts because to me (and this just a personal preference) it is important to bond with the main character in the first chapter and to learn atleast a little bit of its background story.
I hope this helped and I can't wait to read more if you come out with a second chapter!
Very cool! WHAT IS A GRENLU?! I can't wait to read more!I feel like you added great mystery and suspense to it,keep it up!
You did a good job of keeping it going and not dragging it out.The characters are fun and their names are catchy and intruiging.I think this will be a favorite of many people!
I can't wait to find out what the Grenlu is! One of the minor problems I see is it seems to have some plot holes but if they are filled it is a wonderful read!
The characters are quite wonderful.They seem to be very protective of her and want to keep her safe from this danger.The characters are a good fit in the story.
The theme is nice too.I always enjoy a nice wooded scene in a first chapter,especialy when the first chapter starts with action and suspense like yours.
Favorites of the story so far:The Grenlu,"you",and Blaze.
All in all it is a great read and I enjoyed checking it out! Keep up the good work!
Your first chapter was really good at keeping me up to what was going on. You did a good job at keeping the story centered on the main character and not on different things. Although there was a spelling error, "If we do not leave mow, they will find you, then all hope will be lost", mow should be now. You did a good job at keeping me engrossed with the story and wanting to know what happened. Good job and I can't wait till Chapter 2!
This is one of the greatest first chapters that I have ever read since reading tons and tons and mountains of books. Great Job!!!!
There are just little things that I have spotted wrong, one of these being this phrase, "If we don't leave mow, they will find you," With the error being one letter, mow instead of now.
Some of the phrases are kind of confusing and rushed, with them not being explained thoroughly. For example, "Knowing that we cannot light a fire, I give my guards comfort by warming their blankets and enchanting them to stay warm through the night. The exercise has left me weary, something that I welcome at the moment." This to me is not explained very well and it is not making much sense to me.
Also I am having a hard time figuring out where they are, what setting they are in, and what they all look like, other than having Coal and Ash being explained briefly in the first part.
Things that I would change:
In the first part when you wrote that the Grenlu army was attacking, to me what you should of done was taken and explained why they were attacking.
Also what I would of changed is in the first part then Blaze sends Coal and Ash out to scout, I thought that it was the Lady that said that and I was confused because they said yes sir and it was a lady and I was confused, but as I re read it a couple times it made sense.
Concluding notes:
I would take and just change a couple things in this chapter to make the future chapters better.
I would do a spelling and error check.
I would explain a couple things a little more.
I would state who was talking before or after or during a sentence. For example, " "Ash," Blaze commanded, "You and Coal scout around. Make sure that we are alone out here." "
These are the only things that I would of changed, and other than that I completely loved the story and I thought it was a atomic bomb of awesomeness.