Published July 20, 2008
Dizzy Dizzy Turpentine
I remember when I was nine
Everything seemed supa fine
Why was that?
I crazily axed my sleepy cat
He replied with his blood pitter pattering
You were thinner, your clothes were more flattering
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140,667 Literary Works • 673,588 Reviews
It intrigued me in an odd sort of "This is bizarre but I think I like it?" sort of way. It is definitely one of the more random things I've read lately.
I love the Dizzy Dizzy Turpentine line, it just sounds plain cool.
Maybe I'm a sap and a cat person, but it's a bit of a sudden violent image to picture you hacking a cat open with an axe. It has an effect, but I can't tell what the effect is other than shock.
Overall, it's kinda (more than kinda) random, and maybe you should write more to make it make more sense.
~Ryllie
Dizzy Dizzy Turpentine <--- cool line
I remember when I was nine <--- You need some punctuation at the end of this line. A comma, a colon, semi-colon, a dash, just something.
Everything seemed supa fine <---I really don't see why you can't just say super
Why was that?
I crazily axed my sleepy cat <--- you felt fine because you axed your cat? weird
He replied with his blood pitter pattering <--- I'd put in commas around 'with his blood pitter pattering' and make it 'pitter-pattering'
You were thinner, your clothes were more flattering <---quotation marks?
This was... interesting. I didn't really get it, but somehow I liked it anyway. It seemed silly with a touch of a dark side(I don't know why). But even though I kind of liked it, it's only okay for what it was: a silly, light, meaningless short little piece. The content seemed extremely superfluous. What does turpentine have to do with the rest of the poem? And where you really supposed to have axed your cat at the age of 9, and then the cat said something about your clothes? It would be okay if it made sense, but it doesn't seem to fit together. Why would your bloody cat be talking about your clothes and how you were thinner? And, you were thinner when?
It's okay for something silly, but it's not really great poetry. I don't know what you were going for. But that's just my thoughts on it.
*adna*
I really don't understand the last sentence
it didn't make sense unless you were trying to say that that's the reason or something.I don't think im the only one who doesn't understand it.MAny questions run through my mind when i look at this poem:Is cloth supposed to be clothes,why did you kill the cat,is supa the same thing as superWow, kind of has the beat of a dizzy merry go round =D
Just a few things I noticed though -
I remember when I was nine
Everything seemed supa fine Should have a full stop dot here
He replied with his blood pitter pattering Maybe a comma after replied?
You were thinner, your cloths were more flattering If you mean clothes, well you spelt it wrong, unless you actually meant cloths. Also I'd take out the last were - it drags the sentence too much
Reading this confuses me, making me nostalgic when I couldn't read and didn't understand what people said.
Dizzy-dizzy-terpentine is a wicked phrase, in the case that you meant "turpentine" as a combination of "turpentine" and "serpentine," so it'd sound like "dizzy-dizzy-terp-en-teen." Love the sound, like a kid's rhyme.
In the case that you just mis-spelled it though, it's turpentine. Ouch.
I'd give you a better critique, but dude, who are these people?