Published May 19, 2010
The two boys climbed over a fence and took a short cut through a neighbours garden, the smell was getting stronger.
“Race you to the waves” Josh said suddenly.
They both started sprint to wards the water. They jumped over the fence and landed on the sand, they picked there pace up and headed closer to the sea. Drake powered a head of Josh but stopped when he noticed something further along the beach. A sudden breeze past by Drake as Josh ran past him.
“Yes, I won,” Josh announced “I beat you by a mile”
Drake ignored Josh’s trip down hyperbole lane and dropped his surf board. He started to walk towards what had stopped him it was a mound of something. And it was black. As Drake walked he realised that the sand beneath his feet was changing. It felt strange, as if he was walking of glass; it was rough and sharp. When Drake was three meters from the mound he stopped in shock. The mound was a body. Two beige sandals poked out from one end of it.
“Josh” Drake shouted.
“What is it” Josh replied.
“Come and see, and bring your mobile” Drake ordered.
Josh ran over to where Drake was standing and gazed at the mound.
“What the hell” Josh said in shock.
“It’s a body” Drake replied.
“Realised that” said Josh “but what is wrong with the sand.
Drake Had not noticed, as he dialled 911 he inspected the sand further it was changing right in front of his eyes. It was turning black. The stared to shake Drake dropped the phone.
“Yo man that’s new” josh said.
Drake did not hear he was too busy watching as the sand started to funnel under ground taking the body with it.
“What’s going on here man” Josh said unnerved
“I have no idea” said Drake “but looks like the ground is pulling the body under.”
As soon as Drake had finished the two boys started to run. As they jumped back over the fence Drake’s words were still ringing in Josh’s ears how could the ground pull a body he thought to himself but didn’t want to stay and find out.
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The comment before already took care of the spelling and grammatical errors, so I won't bother with that. Here's everything that I thought....
....Huh? That sentence needs redoing. I'm not even sure what you are trying to say, except for that Drake dropped his phone.
If I remember correctly from the first part, the two boys had just seen a body? I can barely remember, but I'm pretty sure that's what happened. If I had just seen a body, I would be a little too shaken to ask my friend excitedly to "Race to the waves."
Some of the sentences are structured awkwardly. Example:
or
or even
Just like the first part, it needs to be edited a lot more before you post it. The spelling errors are distracting from the point you are trying to get across.
Slow it down a bit, too. The story is moving so fast, and there is not much detail used. Going a little bit into the characters' backgrounds would help, too.
Anyhoo, that's my review.
Hey Chuck13, I'm going to review your work today
Part I: Grammar
Mistakes are in bold:)
Part II: Story and Characters
First of all, your story is quite unrealistic. When the boys find a body on the beach, they are not worried at all:
I mean, if you found a body on the beach, would you be making snide comments to your friend? You would be totally panicking, not able to think straight. The boys do display a bit of worry when they first see the body, but it is not realistic. If I saw a man's (probably) dead body on a beach, I would be screaming, but the boys act like it's something they see everyday. Also, when the sand begins to turn black and funnel under the body, fist they just stare at it, saying "Yo dude that's new." If this happened to anyone you knew, do you think that they would react this way? Then, when the body gets sucked in, they start running away.
Also, you need to let people know your characters. All we know is that Josh and Drake are competetive and one of them ownes a surfboard. As far as the reader cares, they could throw themselves into the hole. You have to make the readers care about them. Let us into their heads. What are they thinking? How are they feeling? Are they scared, confused, sickened, unhappy..... you don't tell us anything about us. You have got to give them seperate personalities, 'cause right now, Josh and Drake are not only two-dimensional, but exactly the smae character.