Child Rune

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This is unpolished, and I'm not sure if I'l come back to it, so I'm mostly just looking for any kind of acceptance I can find mostly... though advice is always good. :)

The sloth-kings of Ethera
Arise from the deep
To drink in pale sunlight
And in gardens, steep
The soul of man silent
Who, born within Rift
Is formed into a dream-blade
To topple demons swift
And is carried by a youngling
With fur white as death
To the mirror-world of yearnings
The ellvian feth
Where all moons align
And all minds connect
And a battle is waged
Between angel and insect
So that children can sleep
And men keep sane
So the sloth-kings can watch us
From their distant plane
And guard our souls

From the fear with no name
 
 
Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
umaima
Review
umaima wrote a review · Mon Mar 18, 2013 12:12 am

well the poem has rhythym alright but its lacking in meaning...rhythym is a very important aspect of poetry but not a must so it wasn't that impostant to make it that way...

the most important thing is the poem should make sence and should specifically have a meaning which can be understood so try to focus on that more next time when you write a poem

other than this i would say that your poem was good but you need to improve and believe me you will so best of luck for your other works

if you need anything even advise you can always ask me..

Umaima

User avatar
Kafkaescence
Comment

Even Google isn't helping me decipher all this jargon, so this piece makes next to no sense to me. If this is intended to be a companion to a story you're composing, mention that, or, even better, actually incorporate it into the story.

User avatar
Jonathan
Review

OK this is definitely original and extremely interesting I really like this kind of poem.

But these things that rime they sound a bit wrong some don't really stick like angels and insects.

At any rate this is supper good grammar and spelling really nice job.

Keep writing and have some very good luck. :D



If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're misinformed.
— Mark Twain