Published December 10, 2010
It seemed like the last few weeks had gone by so fast, but so slow at the same time. About three weeks ago, my mom told me we'd be leaving for Florida. She had gotten a call from our softball coach, and our team had been chosen for a tournament down there. It's been all the team could talk about for the past month, but also, all we'd been training for. Countless hours in the gym and on the field practicing. It wasn't just the fact that we were a double 'A' fastpitch softball team, but because we were the only Canadian team enrolled in this tournament. It was alot of pressure to hold up reputation.
Some of the shallower girls on the team were mostly excited for the hotel parties and sun tanning. Sure it would be fun, but we were going there to win. I folded my jersey smoothly into my suitcase. I took a moment to stop and look at it. I had been on the Dragon's softball team for five years, and this is the first time we would be representing our yellow and green colors out on the field in the United States. Pfft, not intimidating at all right? I danced around my room, picking up items of clothing to add to my bag while listening to my "Burnham" c.d. They were pretty much my favourite band. Their posters covered the walls of my room, along with Justin Bieber. I had seen them both in concert last year. It was the only time either of them came to Montreal. Lucky enough, I was able to get tickets. Somebody knocked on my door and I turned to see my sister Rachel standing there with a smile on her face.
"Hey Kris," she sad, coming to sit on my bed. "Excited?"
"Yeah, A little." I lied. We looked at eachother and laughed.
"Of course I'm excited. Are you?" I asked while I continued to pack my things.
"Yeah, I'm already packed. But i'll just be watching. You must be even more excited, considering you're actually playing." She explained enthusiastically. Rachel had always been excited for me, in everything I've ever done. My softball career, my schooling, graduating highschool, and birthdays. She's just such a compassionate person. I looked at her and smiled. Her long, flowing, red hair made her smile look so much bigger. Even though we weren't twins, it was scary how much we looked alike. One day, so many people had asked me if she was my twin, that I brought her straight to the hairdresser's and got her hair dyed cherry red. We still looked similar but you would be able to tell us apart from afar. She was only a year younger than me, but she mostly got along with all my friends. She was so mature for her age.
"I guess so."I replied, thinking about her comment.
"This is going to be one hell of a summer."
"You think so?" I asked. She raised one eyebrow at me. I smiled and nodded.
"Yeah you're probably right." I agreed.
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141,733 Literary Works • 675,641 Reviews
Hey there! I'm Truth, nice to meet you
I'll start with the nitpicks..
You missed a 'had' in there.
'A lot' should never be written in one word, except if you are using it as "distribute between or among."
Some of your sentences seem a bit choppy. In example, that one above, could be put into one to make this:
Just by adding 'and', you combine similar ideas into one sentence, which creates more flow into the work. I know I used to be afraid of using too much commas and 'ands', but really, there can't be too much so put lots of them
Be careful to stay into past tense. There's just a little slip up here,'is' is present while 'was' is past.
I would suggest changing this to this:
I find it reads better
Don't forget there should always be a comma before the second quotation marks and not a period, it keeps the flow of the sentence and completes the thought.
Same here with the past, 'have' is present, 'had' is past.
Again with the verbs tense, and 'high school' should be written in two words.
Is this what you meant?
Alright, all done with it
Overall, I like the idea of the novel very much.. even though the boy band makes me think too much of the Jonas Brothers (Inspiration?) and I do not appreciate all that much.. I will bear with it for the story
PM me if you've got any questions on want me to review more
-Truth-