When the frozen wind whispers its pale song
And static nights are dark and long
The frosted trees hold their breath-
Waiting, silent, as if in death
For when the somber moon’s at high,
The first scarlet dove stains the sky.
When hooves of feuding princes churn fresh snow
Ardent spirits come to blows.
Crowns of bone clatter and crash;
Roses bloom from each grievous lash.
Thunderous war cries shake down the stars
And handsome coats jagged prongs will mar.
When from sweet golden light, shadows are cast
Winter’s king will succumb at last.
To his victor, fair moon bows her head
Sun kisses the fallen, rent and red.
The forest’s new ruler takes his throne
But the cost of his kingdom left him alone.
When frost turns to rain, and white melts into green
The desolate king will find his queen.
Nestled in lilacs lays a new prince,
His snow-spotted coat tells of wars hence.
But the endless cycle won’t always lead to death,
As breath unto dust and dust unto breath.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
OH MY GOSH THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
It is so vivid and whimsical and gives me so many feels!
Have you happened to have read The Mists of Avalon? That's how I know this legend.
You executed this so amazingly, and you should send this to the YWS Lit. Journal. It's that good.
Hello!
This is worded very awkwardly. You can fix that by saying instead, "For when the somber moon is high"I quite enjoyed reading this. Your imagery is quite nice, and I appreciate your message and how you illustrated it through nature.
That being said, there are a few issues with your meter that can be easily fixed by rephrasing.
I like the image here, but it's a bit too long in the meter department to fit in well. Take out "of feuding" as you don't really need it here. You illustrate it well in the following lines.
This doesn't have to do with meter, but you do need to rephrase, as the meaning is a bit unclear.
While I understand that sometimes it does, I think it would reinforce the message of the cycle and not losing hope by taking out "won't always" and adding "doesn't" in its place.
I hope you find this review helpful! Happy YWSing!
Hi.
You have an archaic and kind of Gothic-y sound to your writing that really suits the theme of your piece. Eloquent, styled and clearly thought out. The rhyme is present and consistent without trying too hard to change the words just so they fit.
The themes of the work, such as life and death and the changing seasons are ripe for good use of pathetic fallacy and other literary techniques which have been placed sophisticated-ly throughout this work.
Well done.
Hello, ChristataAstera!
Kay here!
I have to admit that I really love your poem. You are truly amazing!
After quite sometime, I have come across a truly imaginative poem. (I literally was imaging each and every line). Just one teeny-tiny problem- I kinda got lost at some places.
Overall, I love your poem. Wonderful piece of literary! Keep it up....
Keep those awesome poems flowing in. Good Luck
This is truly amazing! Very well done, it is beautiful.