Young Writers Society

Heyheyhey, it's me here ^__^

I remember when you told me, or rather us (memories), that you made this in an hour. I really liked it actually but there's a bit more you need to do to make this story absolutely perfect and beautiful and nyantastic and I'll just stop now.

Alright, basically you tell what Emily is doing, notice the 'tell.' As I've learned a way to do things is to balance out the showing and telling, keep the balance. But it's mostly leaning towards the telling more than the showing. Of course I understand it is a practice story but let's call this brushing up the little mistakes so maybe once you make a serious story you can really be prepared.

I like how you started with a little summary at the front of the story, but also maybe it would be nice to include a name for your village perhaps? (if you want to leave the readers in suspense I get that totally!)

Also I think you described the villagers perfectly, with the equal amount of fear and helplessness they were placed in, as you described with both showing and telling. Showing meaning as this sentence shows:

"The other villagers watched in fear, nobody helped her.. Not a single person helped her."

This is a really good glimpse at showing, one I encourage you to review and maybe revise.

Also some of us want to know more of Emily's thoughts, not just the frantic thoughts of getting out of the guard's grip but more as what she thinks of the villagers, people, scenery and even her family!

But over all your story just needed some minor touch ups, I think the plot line is really suspenseful, hope to here from you soon Muka ^___^

Happy writing!

Hello! Flash here for a review.
Hmm.. It seems like you're "telling" instead of "showing" in this piece. The first paragraph could work as an introduction to this world you've created. It could totally work. But the rest of the story should show us things about the village and Emily.
Speaking of Emily, you gave us little details. We know she has short, brown, messy hair. What about her eye color? Her body shape? What clothes does she wear?
Once again don't tell us she's quiet and mysterious, show us that she is! For example, when she decided to take up for the innocent person, the reader can indirectly see that Emily is pretty brave.
Another thing in question is the time period. When I think "village" I think of a little town with cottages in a secluded forest in the medieval/dark/Middle Ages. And then you mention "jeans." Girls didn't wear jeans (let alone pants) until the 1920s or 1930s. Plus, I don't think jeans even existed until then either.
Now that that's out of the way, I'm going to talk about the grammatical errors.
"In her jean's pocket" would sound much better as "in her jean pocket" or "in the pocket of her jeans." Or, you could even leave that part out and just say she carries a knife with her.
"There was a girl named Emily..." I would consider removing "there was" as it doesn't really flow.
There are also a few comma splices. My best advice is that you can't make a sentence longer by just adding commas. Then it's technically a run-on.
Lastly, I wanted to see more action when Emily ran over to punch the guard! Action is awesome and keeps readers reading!
Well, that's all I've got. Keep writing and welcome to YWS!!
~Flash