Published April 1, 2009
Transcendental moments eclipse
Becoming themselves
Yet still missing fragments
As elusive as stars
Hovering amongst
The space that shrouds us
Sparkling dust
Untouchable
And real.
So real between us
These disjointed dances
As each second pasees
They become lost in the ether
The yawning break
Between past and present
Cascading inside us, only to tumble
To the depths of our minds
Where one resides.
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My issues with this stem mainly from the compacted nature of the descriptions/metaphores etc. Do you think I should bulk this out/ split it up with some narrative? I feel that it is currently rembling, but that is how I felt when writing. At that point nothing could have been set out logically, it could only have been this. Should I therefore keep this style?
Answers to the above and any other comments are more then welcome.
Chloseph
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That was too short for me, I would have liked to have seen a bit more, heard a bit more about what was going on. Fantastic images and good description. Your choice of words could be rather complex at times and that's normally pretty good but it's best sometimes to simplify it so it's not a complexity overload, so it's easier to read and easier to understand.
I can't really say any more unfortunatly cause nothing else has popped into my head
You have some beautiful imagery here, such as;
"The space that shrouds us
Sparkling dust"
and
"The yawning break
Between past and present."
It flows well, and the only glitch is the typo "pasees".
However, I think it would be interesting to try this in a few different ways. I'd try simplifying what you're saying way down, and then I'd return to the original version
and take lphrases such as;
"Transcendental moments eclipse
Becoming themselves"
and
"Cascading inside us, only to tumble
To the depths of our minds
Where one resides."
and explain to yourself exactly what you mean. Sometimes it's easy to get so caught up in elaborate language and imagery that the original meaning becomes blurred, and sometimes simplicity really is best. However, you may decide this way works best for this particular poem. I jsut think it's helpful to try different ways of saying things, and to remidn yourself after writing a poem of exactly what your intention was in writing it.
Hope this helps.
Jas