Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
The spaceship whizzed through the electric galaxy swerving through meteors, debris and the closely gaining enemy ship pursuing it. She pushed the ship further forward, urging it to go quicker in order to escape. The predator behind her was firing with reckless abandon. Her ship streaked through space, neon tailings lighting up the darkness as she continued to weave her ship through the meteor field acting as a obstacle course. Rocks blasted by, blurring into a slate of colour. Lasers bombarded the atmosphere. Scraping and battering her ship, the shots shifted her off course. The ship spun, flying into floating debris.
Alarms began to blare inside her small ship. They screamed to her about the immense damage she’d just sustained. Her demeanour remained calm and detached as her eyes flickered across readouts. She analysed the data to figure out her best course of action. Pressing buttons on the control intensely, she tried to right her course. The enemy ship was turning round, preparing himself for another onslaught, one that could be the last. It was more reckless, a sense of desperation that it needed to be the one to survive.
The two ships weaved through the atmosphere, curving in and out of each other. Each ship was firing wildly. Neither wanted to be the one that received the final blow to end their ship. Laser shots skittered past. Debris clanged into hulls. Pilots tensed on their controllers. There was an almighty juddering as the two ships collided. They rammed against each other as the two crafts roared through space. Pushing and rearing against each other, they vied for the inches to scrape through the meteor field. The other swerved it’s ship off course preparing to ram her ship into one of the meteors flying past.
Noticing the steering ease on her ship, she sent a searching look to her opponent and saw him barrelling squarely towards her. With a sharp pull on the controls, she escaped the attack with just a light hit to her far engine. It hadn’t expected her to have time to pull away and managed nothing but a look of panic before it’s ship crashed into a meteor head on exploding with enough force to propel her ship out of the field. As she celebrated ‘Game Over: Player 2 Wins’ flashed onto the screen.
“Woohoo!” Joyce celebrated in victory, punching her fist into the air “How can you spend so long playing a game, and still be so bad at it?” She directed to her friend. Cami laughed and chucked controller onto the sofa, and punched Joy in the arm.
“That wasn’t fair, you totally cheated, I don’t know how, but you did, because as we all know, I’m the resident gamer around here. Go be good at something else” Joyce and Cami continued to bicker playfully, teasing each other. They sat in the longue in their real spaceship, the Lucy Lou.
It was an impressive creation, hand built with loving care and the occasional stubbed toe by Joyce and one of her mothers, Edith. The Lucy Lou was what you would call a medium sized spacecraft. The exterior mirrored that of a WW2 spitfire nose which held the bridge of the ship, smoothing out into an oblong carrier hold with two wings gently clasping the drop ships, giving it a unique antiquated yet revitalised look. The name Lucy Lou was carved into the side in cursive writing, juxtaposing the harsh metal it was scripted upon. The embrace of the ship was divided into three floors holding everything the team would need. The top floor held the rec room, the lounge they were in, a cafeteria and each shipmates room. On the middle floor was the entrance to the ship, the bridge and the various labs and equipment that would be needed for their job. The lower level was occupied by the cargo hold, engineering and the research & development lab.
The lounge they were in had been made homely by the occupants with a comfy sofa spread in a small lowered section of the room opposite a TV. Posters were hung up, overlapping comfortably on the metal, angular walls in a mash of different flavours from recent bands to retro movies, and an Aliens poster claimed the throne proudly above the TV. (“I don’t care how old it is, it’s still my favourite movie” Joyce had protested when they rest of the shipmates insisted she took it down). The bright glare from the TV was the only light in the room, splaying the neon colours of the game over the two competitive players.
There was a passive aggressive throat clearing from the doorway, a click signalled the lights turning on above, interrupting the two children on the sofa.
“Captain, I thought you’d like to know we’re coming in.” Freya leaned against the doorway, her standard issue grey space-travel overalls were pulled over a plain white tee. Sensible and professional. A tattoo of the name ‘April’ could be seen peeking out from beneath her tee. She had a stern face, crafted from sharp angles, casting shadows across her face. Her golden red hair fell straight down either side of her face, making her look even slimmer than she already was. Joyce looked at her wristwatch
“Oh shit, we’ve been playing this for 8 hours” she laughed and rubbed her hands over her ivory skin, then pulled her tightly curled dyed blue hair into her signature high ponytail. “Thanks Freya, would you wake the others? Tell them to come to the bridge for descent.”
“Sure thing Joyce” She gave her captain a small smile as she looked into her drowsy eyes, then went to rouse the others.
Joyce meandered down the hall, stretching out her weary body and appreciating the mechanical enclosure of her ship. She padded to the bridge and settled into the pilot’s chair, smiling around at the ship she loved. It was a DIY fixer-upper, but it was her DIY fixer-upper. She breathed in the familiar metallic tang and walked into the Bridge. Joyce pulled on the baggy t-shirt she’d left on her pilot’s seat and pulled it over her vest. The scar across where her right eye had been was itching, and she lifted her eyepatch to rub it. She’d lost it so long ago, Joyce couldn’t remember what it was like to have one there. She still felt like she could move it sometimes. Like a phantom limb the body just won’t forget. Joyce replaced the eyepatch over the scar that stretched from the top of her hairline to just beside her nose. It wasn’t a part of her life she enjoyed revisiting or dwelling on, so she didn’t. For her, it was just a cool scar and a badass eyepatch. Cami had said it made her look more mysterious “Like a swashbuckling pirate or the leader of a motorcycle gang”. Joy decided to take that as a compliment.
Settling into her seat she surveyed her domain. There was a dashboard in front of her that surrounded her in a semi-circle. Muted lights flickered gently for her attention as her hands danced across the controls, running system checks and reviewing the flight path for landing. A gentle hand landed on her shoulder and she looked up into the smiling kind eyes of her fellow archaeologist on the ship.
“Hey Ace, how’d you sleep?”
“Good thanks J.”
There were two workstations either side of Joyce’s pilot seat and Ace took the left one.
“So, you think we’ll be able to find some work here?” Ace asked.
Joy sighed and spun her chair to face his. Ace was scrawny, all limbs and no control over them. But he was one of the smartest people Joy had ever met, and he was a major asset to the team. His brown hair was all ruffled from sleep and Ace’s kind eyes, blurry but just starting to adjust, stared into hers.
“Yeah, I got a tip from one of my contacts that there are some jobs going at the moment.” She smiled at him “Don’t worry, we have enough money to keep paying us for a while before we need the work, but it’s good to keep busy” Ace smiled wearily back, looking relieved without realising.
“Hey Captain J” The rest of the team shuffled into the room.
She had a small crew. Six including her. They were a team of space archaeologists, exploring the forgotten and undiscovered areas of the galaxy to uncover the stories of the universe. Her team consisted of two archaeologists, a xenology expert, an engineer, a researcher and an artificial intelligence. Artem was the one who spoke, all boundless energy and smiles. He was the Xenology Expert and space travel never seemed to bother him. Unlike Freya. Very serious and no-nonsense, she was the Lead Engineer and space travel did not agree with her. She was leaning against the door frame, her scowl which was a permanent fixture was somehow carved deeper today. There were another three seats behind the row Joy and Ace were sitting in. Freya stumbled, her razor straight red hair falling across her face, and gladly sunk into a seat before grumbling
“How bloody long til we land?” Freya growled. Joyce shared a look with Cami, hiding a smile
“ETA should only be about fifteen minutes” Cami had taken the console to Joyce’s right and began using the console.
“Everyone should take their seats then, we need to secure the ship and crew before landing.” This came from J4D3, the android onboard the Lucy Lou. Clinical but caring. Her hair was kept in a short neat bob that framed her manufactured face. Everyone on board loved her, she was no longer top of the line in android hardware, but she was built to imitate human processes and the team welcomed her as one of their own. J4D3 was known on board, only as Jade. Or Jadey Baby when Artem was drunk.
“Good shout Jade” Joyce said “Buckle up punks, we’re starting our inner planetary descent.” Joy’s hand grazed across the controls making precise adjustments to the ships course while the rest of the crew settled in for landing. As First Officer, Cami helped co-pilot and navigate next to Joy, and the team readied themselves behind.
Freya leaned over to Artem as he sat down, he had kept his buzzcut from the army days, proclaiming he had no need for hair and it was lucky it was kept that long.
“Where exactly is it that we’re landing?” Freya was the newest addition to the crew. Didn’t have much space travel experience but she was one hell of an Engineer.
“It’s the Celestial Cluster, specifically Saviour Falls. The Black Market is there, it has the most merchants, stalls and business in the known galaxy.” Freya’s face dropped and paled.
“Wait isn’t that illegal, like where they sell body parts and drugs” Freya worried. Artem laughed.
“You really don’t have space travel experience do you?” Her scowl returned, furrowing her face into lines of anger. Artem laughed, pretending not to notice. “No, it’s called the Black Market because the stands and the ground are literally black. It’s just a place for people to sell their wares and services.” Freya sat back in her chair her scowl loosening slightly, seemingly dociled by this. Artem slowly moved closer and whispered conspirationaly “But if you’re looking to buy some body parts, I know a guy.” Freya blanched, and Artem hootied with laughter.
The ship silently roared into the atmosphere of The Celestial Cluster.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey Chloe!! Happy review day! It's long past due to get this chapter out of the green room, yeah?
Cool concept here! I liked the simulation at the beginning. As I was reading it I had no idea it wasn't actually happening. This kind of reminded me of Ender's Game (it's been a minute since I read it...) and how the games he played prepared him for real life missions.
Two things that I think can help take this to the next level:
First, some of the paragraphs get really long. I think if you broke them up (especially that first paragraph!) it would be easier to read and also increase the pacing. Just that opening section alone, it's super exciting and so much is going on, but I didn't feel like I was on the edge of my seat because the paragraph was so big. For the action moments especially, short sentences and short paragraphs are your friends.
Second, slightly smaller thing is breaking up the paragraphs with dialogue. You also forgot to punctuate after some of the dialogue.
Like here:
There should be a period after the J in the first line. Then I would do a new paragraph at "there were" because that isn't related to the dialogue. I would do another new paragraph at "so you think..." because that's not related to the description line, and I would also clarify who says that line. "Joy sighed..." should also be a new paragraph because the description is separate from the dialogue.
I love your descriptions! It can be hard for me to get into SF/F but I thought this was a very rich and well thought out world so far. I love how you wove the descriptions into the prose and that you didn't info dump us or get bogged down with describing the intricacies of the ship
I'll leave things there for now. Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! I hope you keep working on this story!
Thank you so much for your feedback, it's super helpful and I'll work on those points, especially the start, I was wondering how to improve it, thank you!!
Hi there!
This is a good story! I really don't have all that much to offer, as this is really well written. The one thing I will point out is that when someone is talking, you use quotation marks.
Example: "You've got to trust me." He said. That tells you when someone is talking, and it makes it easier to read.
That was all, sorry I couldn't help more!
Thank you for your help! I will edit this!