N/A

Hey Vivacious! This would be my first review on YWS, so we're in the same boat.

First and foremost; I was told that the attention of the reader must be grabbed within the first paragraph, if not the first line.

Vivacious wrote:Lance Bob Nerdon isn’t a normal guy. Unless you think that a wizard geek from the land Sizilian is a normal guy. Lance Bob Nerdon is short beyond belief with a mob of straight hair that can’t be brushed no matter how hard you try. His eyes are coal black, and you would think that he’s cool because of that, but no, Lance Bob Nerdon can never connect with people.

I think you've succeeded. I notice you use a lot of sentence fragments, though (I do too, Microsoft Word has given me enough green underlines). Maybe make it even better, you could rephrase some of the shorter sentences to create something lengthier and stronger, such as, "Lance Bob Nerdon isn't a normal guy, unless you think that a wizard geek from the land Sizilian is normal."

The words "normal guy" don't need to be said twice. Not sure how having coal black eyes would make you seem cool, and the lead in to "[he] can never connect with people" doesn't quite work. I think you could move the description to where it comes into play:

Vivacious wrote:Nobody knows the real color that Lance’s hair is. All Lance does in his free time is do crazy experiments to fix his hair. But none of them ever work. They just make his hair worse and worse. They change his hair color to horrible colors and make him smell even more terrible.

No significant problems here, I really like the last sentence. Not only is it funny, but "horrible" and "terrible" are just good words to use (in my opinion).

Going back to the first paragraph (sorry, I'm a little jumpy, hang with me), I really like the sentece "Lance Bob Nerdon can never connect with people." This part here:

Vivacious wrote:Never, ever, ever. At lunch all he does is sit down alone at a table for ten. No one ever even considers sitting in the other nine spots. Not even the kinder folks in school. You know why? Because Lance Bob Nerdon stinks. He stinks like a rotten egg or a toilet that has had You-Know-What in it for 100 years. But, The smell stretches far. You have to be over 10 feet away from him to get away from that nauseating stench.

REALLY funny. I'm a little iffy on the last two sentences.

Try, "Unfortunately, the smell stretches far -- one has to be over ten feet away to escape the stench."

Using "you" can get confusing to the reader, especially because you are mostly describing Lance Bob Nerdon to us, not with us.

I'd like to know more about why he stinks, though.

I agree with yrclever in that you do repeat his full name a lot. I think at several points it's funny, but other times it gets a little tiring.

Vivacious wrote:Lance Bob Nerdon goes to Sizilian City’s Junior High of Wizarding, Witchcraft, and Royalty (Yes, they teach how to act like royalty). Everyone there hates him (big surprise) and everyone teases him.

I think this might have been more effective closer to the beginning of the story, or at least before you brought his teachers in.

Vivacious wrote:But everyone in Sizilian Junior High knows that those popularity crowns got to Galahad Orienla, and Guinevere Bobulus.

Another sentence fragment. They're very strong in some areas, but if you use too many your story will become choppy and hard to read, so I suggest caution when using them.

I'm very much looking forward to hearing more about Galahad and Guinevere.

Vivacious wrote:They both were adored deeply. Both loved by the other gender. Both envied by the same. Though Guinevere wasn't admired for accomplishments. She was admired for what she was and who she was. She was a beautiful princess, to say it briefly.

You've already stated that Galahad was well-loved; saying it again borders on repetition. I'd suggest moving the bit, "both loved by the other gender... envied by the same" after you finish describing Guinevere, it will tie the two in stronger. I also very much like your portrayal of Guinevere; it's witty. Instead of saying "to say it briefly," try, "to put it simply."

Some smaller, re-wording issues:

Vivacious wrote:And why is Lance Bob Nerdon related to all of this? You see Lance Bob Nerdon had a strange idea in his head at around the time of the big dance. As you've guessed it's probably impossible for Lance to get a date. Well, you've guessed correctly! What Lance asked Guinevere made Sizilian Junior High's hall of lame.

1. And how is Lance Bob Nerdon related to all of this?
2. You see, he got a strange idea in his head, around the time of the big dance.
3. As you've guessed, it's pretty much impossible for poor Lance to get a date.
4. "Well, you've guessed correctly!" Isn't necessary.
5. HAHAHA, I love the last sentence. Please capitalize: "Hall of Lame."

IN CONCLUSION: I really enjoyed reading it. You've got something interesting going here -- just a warning, if you're not careful enough this could fall into some obscure cliche'd category, such as "uses too many sentence fragments" or "too much repetition."

But I think you're onto something good. I do pick up a slight Harry Potter influence (with the messy black hair and school of witchcraft and wizardry, and all), but I like how it's balanced with your inclusion of Galahad and Guinevere. I'd like to see more of those characters (as stated before) and others if you can swing it, and definitely more from yourself!

Hi there Vivacious

I really like this start. I'm not sure how, but you have succeeded in amusing me with both your writing, and your tale. There are a couple of things that I feel are unnecessary, and a couple of clumsy sentence structures. To start off with, I suggest that you stop referring to Lance by his full name -- I understand that you might have intended it to add to the humor, but it doesn't and makes it difficult and annoying to read.

I would also try to cut down on the repetition. Unless its purpose is emphasis, like your describing of his stench which I think is very well done, but it's a thin line to tread between funny and annoying, like in my opinion when you redescribed him as a nerd.

I would also expand on Galahad and Guinevere, and I do like your satire on the idea of a fairytale character.

Now, one more piece of advice. I think this would be even more humorous if you sharpened your persona as the narrator, and told this with a greater sense of flow etc.

Overall, I think this is a great piece, please PM me when you get the next chapter up.

EDIT: I also don't agree with TexanWriter about showing as opposed to telling in this case. This is because, like CastlesInTheSky writes:

"Telling" can actually be useful. Yes, that's right. It can sometimes even be necessary.

I think that your story is one of these cases, as the quirky narrator makes the reader move on, and the way he does this is through his technique of humorous "telling".

Hey, Vivacious! I review things on a system of positives and negatives. Well, here goes (if I can stop laughing long enough):

Negatives:

But, The smell stretches far.

"the" should be lowercase. A small typo.

Lance Bob Nerdon is a complete nerd. You must be reminded that.

Maybe something more along the lines of "I must remind you, Lance Bob Nerdon is a complete nerd."

Lance Bob Nerdon sees the world strangely.

What do you mean by "strangely"? In weird colors? Like "Chicken Little"? As if he were an elephant? Please specify!

He was a master at slaying dragons and could save anyone anytime. Anyone, of course, except for Lance Bob Nerdon.

Why not Lance? Does he have a force field, or does the stench make birds drop dead? Or does he have a curse? Again, specify!

One more thing: YWS has a slogan (slogan? motto? or just plain writing tip?), it is "Show, don't tell". That seems very confusing, so here's where you should go: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post487083.html#487083


Positives:
I had to swallow my tongue to keep from laughing aloud! This was hilarious! Nice job describing the smell. Very much like what would happen if fantasy were real and now. I loved it! If you ever decide to write more like this, please PM me! Wonderful!