Young Writers Society

Hello again!

Alright, so just like the last part, this was rather short and for the most part uneventful. Yes, we do get the information that Jessie is moving away, to Franklin's dismay, but that's about it. The rest is just seeming like a short filler and isn't very engaging. Perhaps work on really drawing out some emotion in the narration -- as this is written in first person (more on this later) -- and then just plain setting the scene.

For describing things, we seem to be lacking a big thing on where they are. Yes, we get told what kind of place they're in, like in front of the school or in the bus, but what, specifically, do these places look like? What's happening around them? There appeared to be some kind of silence between him and Jessie, so that could have been a good moment for him to look around with his sour attitude.

Back to the emotion because it's in first person. Writing in first person is done to really get into the head of the character, and you can only do that if your narration is filled with their specific style and voice. The narration should sound like this character is talking, because they are telling the story. It needs to be filled with that emotion so that I can empathize, like someone would tell me in real life when recounting a tale.

Jessie seems all over the place. At first she's all talking about how the two can't be friends anymore (even though there is still totally the internet >.> And social media) and she'll be move away and just basically ignores him the entire bus ride. Then at the end she lunges at him to give him a farewell hug?

So, that's my way of saying that your characters don't seem consistent or they're over dramatic. Or both. So, I'd like to see more feelings from Jessie, as she's breaking the news -- even though I don't know why she'd be scared and not sad -- to Franklin and then have her words match up with her feelings. I mean, they're not breaking up. They'll still be friends, just not seeing each other. So work on making that consistency.

Other all, this was rather dull, but you could really take this and run with it, as you have a good start. Happy writings,
~Wolfare

Bonjour, Mon ami! The Chirave Canicthus is here to review your work!
Well, I saw this under the art section, and thought that I was going to get a lovely drawing to accompany this. Well, nonetheless, I will still review this without a drawing. (May I draw one for you? XD)

First off, I can't help but wonder if anyone really knows what sarcasm actually is. I'm probably going to get so much hate for this, but even good old Brian Jaques couldn't figure it out. In the words of Dr Horrible, "Sarcasm. How original." That right there is Sarcasm. Sarcasm means you're saying something that you don't mean in a scathing tone. For example, when someone says 2+2=6. "Genius." That's also sarcasm.

Well, sorry about that, I just wanted to talk about what Sarcasm really was. It's just hard to get right.

I think the pacing for this, even if it's really short, is nice.

Why do I feel that this is going to be a touchy-feely unrealistic realistic novel? Why would one wait a month before moving to California? "DUDE. Your dad is dying and you want to kindle a romantic relationship with someone? No. Just... No."

That's pretty much my thoughts on this. I almost think this is going to focus more on Franklin and Jessie more than it's going to focus on the disease. I'd really like to see more of the disease than the romance. (Then again, I'm just a really grim person.)

So, that's my thoughts on this piece. I suggest you do some really thorough research so this can still stay realistic.
Keep writing!
*The Chiravian flies away*

This is a cute intro. You seem to set up the main themes very fast in this tidbit. It's apparently a story about friendship and transformation, kind of like a YA tale. I like stories that are about character and relationship change.

Hi!

For a rough draft, this is very good. I like the chemistry between the two characters though I'm not sure if there are romantic feelings there...or indeed if they are already a couple. I enjoyed how the narrator spoke of another world, that was really interesting and intriguing. I almost felt like I was daydreaming with the narrator and the transition back into the story was sharp and immediate, which I also thought contributed to that sense of "snapping out" of a daydream.

There was the odd grammatical error but nothing major and I'm sure when you redraft this you will notice and correct them yourself. Also I felt like the story was cut off at the point I started to get into it and the whole chapter was a bit short. Again, I'm nitpicking here and I know you'll probably write loads more the more you rewrite it and! work it into your story. Just thought it was worth noting for you!

Overall, an enjoyable, easy read. Your writing flows well and you are clearly a good writer. Keep it up!